I love watching kids. They make me sooo happy and today was soooo nice I just chilled at this club in town and tanned and read a book and got paid. Literally...didn't watch the kids hahaaha and then it rained so when I was supposed to watch them in the pool I didn't have to because they weren't allowed in.
So I got a SHIT load of money today :)
On the other hand I didn't eat so well.
I'm seriously FREAKINGGGG OUT about having to go to the doctors thursday and just waiting for "OMG YOU ARE SO FAT YOU NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT"
I'm gonna break the scale I'm so fat.
So I took pictures on my cell today of the food I ate. Heres some photos from today of course I ate a shit load more. felt really out of control :( no fun and no good. also felt like my mom was judging me a ton. she saw mostly all that i ate. i hate that feeling. i wish i'd think and tell myself to stop eating--like i should when she judges me. shes telling me how fat im getting. and i just dont need her to tell me. i already know it.
This was my lovely salad at the club.
It had grilled chicken, sliced apples, broccoli, cucumbers, and egg with italian dressing. the dressing didn't seem heavy which was good.
Salad again
And a few hours later i had some pretzels (120 cal) and hummus. This whole thing of hummus was 250 calories but i only used the amount pictured for the amount of pretzels I had.
Spinach, egg and egg whites, cheese and flaxseeds
YUM! which i had a bigger portion. maybe then I wouldn't have eaten all the crackers, bread, peanut butter and CRAPPP
im huge.
i want to look good in a bikini
i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
but i have one problem--i love eating. which makes me really want to go back to purging. because i just can't see myself not eating. i can't. as much as i restrict and don't eat. i can't see myself not eating and loving food as much as i do. i can't see myself restricting for a LONG time :( ughhh IDK IDK IDK
i worked out a little today too i wasn't that motivated
i did:
40 minutes on the bike (that only burned 250 calories)
20 minutes on the stairs (that only burned 170 calories)
and walked on the treadmill on an incline for 10 minutes.
ugh im gonna need an intense workout tomorrow. idk if i'll get one in. depends when i wake up.
i have a speech appt tomorrow a little after noon so we'll see.
<3
i wish i was thin
<3
yum! that food looked awesome!
ReplyDeletei know that it probably seems like alot of food but in reality , compared to EVERY NORMAL PERSON, its not. and lets face it, that is the most healthy food ive seen in a long time on blogger lol. hell i had a mustard and potato chip sandwich for dinner and i would have much rather eat taht stuff you ate than the crap i jsut shoved into my gullet. keep your head up. your doing great!
meg
thanks. but umm thats like 1/4 of the amount of food that i actually ate!!! hahaa when i binge i usually don't take pictures of the food i eat. so ya thanks but i had lots of crackers, bread and peanut butter, granola bars ya so not soo much :/
ReplyDeleteYour food always looks good and i get a lot of ideas from your page! You should be proud of youself! As for the bingeing yeah, i feel you it messes all of everything up. what helps me when i want to ruin my sucessful day with an epic binge, is whenever i feel the urge to, i make some green tea or drink a low cal/ zero cal drink. and lots of it. It helps fill you up and get you through till the next meal.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear things are going so well with you job!!
Remember try and keep your eyes focused on the postive things and you will feel much better. Even if its only ONE thing.
Your on the right track hun keep your head up:)
SMILE!!
xxo.
Rach<3
My mother is the same way. And she thinks that by calling me fat and giving me dirty looks when I eat she'll motivate me. Yeah, crap. The only things she does is making me feel like I should be ashamed of eating.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels when you just can't stop eating. I hope you get back on track soon.
Take care.