Something I don't do enough.
I'm really pissed right now. My mom knows I've turned into a huge fat cow with no eating disorder now. I hate it. She thinks I'm all better when really I hate being this fat. I want to cry right now. Scratch that. I am crying right now. I thought I didn't have emotions and couldn't cry when I wanted to but I guess I can.
I am huge.
I see my therapist tonight...great...I'm really looking forward to this.
Thank you all who commented on my therapist post. I was expecting more so if you can I'd love for you to comment.
My mom comes in my room this morning and goes "I see you woke up last night" because I was depressed and went to bed mad early and then did wake up in the middle of the night and I go "Yeah" and in my head am thinking "crap why did she say that...did she notice the fatty did wake up and eat"
I go downstairs. We rearrange all the cars we have in the driveway. She asks to borrow some of my amazing peanut butter since we're all out of Skippys. I have Bettern' Peanut Butter and Teddies. Teddies is soo much better. I don't really like the Bettern' stuff. And shes using the peanut butter I gave her and said it's okay this will do and I do have a brownie left and turns around and gives me a smirk. And I like look at her like omg she is crazy for yelling at me and I feel so helpless and horrible. And she goes unless your father ate some you went crazy. And I said mom I had 3. And she goes oh okay thats not bad. (Ok I really had 4 but I just couldnt say 4. So I said 3) FML FML I'm a HUGE FAT ASS.
I'm going to go to the gym until I burn at least 1000 calories and sit in the sauna for ever.
I wasn't feeling yesterdays workout:
-bike for 25 mins
-treadmill walked for 20 mins
-elliptical for 10 mins
-chin assits/pull up on 50 lbs did 12
-seated leg press
20 on 150 lbs
20 on 170
20 on 190
20 on 210
-torso rotation on 70....did 15 on each side
-chin assits/pull up on 50 did 12
Saturdays workout:
-treadmill for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-I did the personal training workout I did with my personal trainer the other day....it took me like 35 mins to do the whole thing and I timed it and only allowed myself 30 sec rests (later after the first 7 workouts or so the rests got to like 30-45 sec. i was getting tired. it was hard shit) i pushed myseelf
-treadmill walked for 10 mins
-stairs for 10 mins
I AM HUGE.
I HATE MYSELF.
OFF TO THE GYM FOR ETERNITY. WELL AT LEAST UNTIL I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
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Sorry-it's long.
Oh and guys...how do I change my picture for my icon....like you know how it says "Followers" or whatever...whenever I follow people it has no picture....I can't seem to figure it out...haha...help??
Update....
I think the reason why I just get so mad at my mom about these things is because she knows I struggle with my weight. She does. I mean I'm fucking huge now. I am. Even though my therapist doesn't agree--I honestly believe he is just trying to be nice and he knows how sensitive I am and doesn't want to tell me I'm huge....but then again...we've literally talked about everything and he has told me if hes worried about someones weight and their health he will bring it up and talk to the person about it. ugh fuck. who knows. I think I'm just mad at my mom because shes just ughhh im just pissed.
I seriously should be loosing weight but I'm not because I eat sooo much!!
It's disgusting.
So my workout today....lots of cardio...probably too much cardio but whatever...Idk...all that matters to me is the # and the calories I burn...I'd probably be a lot more toned if I stopped doing cardio and lifted weights but whatever.
I ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes...ran 5.08 miles, stretched, then I walked a little...like 5-10 minutes or so, then I did the stairs for an hour and then walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I probably should of done more. Maybe I wasn't mad enough at my mom. Who knows.
Oh and Charr about this whole exercise thing...I do want to mention....I exercise probably too much...I mean maybe...but honestly I don't think I do...I really really don't....so if I stop exercising like my body is so immune to exercising that I don't even think I'm burning many calories. I don't know its weird. But my body is immune to it so if I stop...it's really bad....we'll if I stop and continuing eating how I do.
Oh and I can't see my psychologist tonight. I'll see him tomorrow though.
Thanks Rach and Charr for your lovely comments <3
It means the world to me <3
But I'm just so pissed at my mom. I haven't eaten yet today. Just sipping on some lovely sprite zero and trying to get my mood up.
Speaking of food....I did take some pictures a few days ago & yesterday of some shit I ate....
Ok-not the greatest photo--whateves.
It's a banana sliced in half with Better'n Peanut butter (which i don't particularly like as i said...but it has a lot less calories!) and on top is a container of chobani raspberry greek yogurt.
Here's my La Tortilla Factory Low Carb Tortilla (80 calories) with lots of teddies peanut butter as you can see and chia seeds and hemp seeds sprinkled on top (Thanks Rachel for talking about those hemp seeds :) they seem interesting but good...I'll have to get used to them)
Here's some food...I ate a lot more after....seriously guy I seriously eat a shit load....anyhow its my teddies peanut butter thingy thats pictured above and a rice cake with a thin layer of teddies peanut butter, whipped cream, and 15 warm blueberries.
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UPDATE
OHHH EMMM GEEEEE guys thank you all the comments mean the world to me!!!! i will update more later
today was good. im still pissed from what happened earlier today. all i ate today was a banana and 10 grapes.
*hugs and love*
ReplyDelete...im really sorry you feel so depressed hun. i hope tonight with your therapist really helps you get things into perspective
hang in the: one day at a time!
xox
Rach
Dear, honestly, please try not to be so hard on yourself. I completely understand where you're coming from and how awful it is to feel so huge > < but seriously, you're doing a great job with all your exercise. I fricking HARDLY exercise, and then there's you, our busting your butt every day on the treadmill and everything. You're very inspiring. Don't worry too much about your weight right now, okay? Focus on trying to be happy, because I promise you, you're going to lose weight. It might seem really slow, but you definitely will because you have a great workout plan and motivation. Don't beat yourself up today, and try to enjoy the week okay? :) Love you.
ReplyDeletexo
Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI hope your doing ok
X
Thank you for your kind words. I don't want to become "normal" I don't think, "this" has a huge place in my heart, and I don't think I want to give it up just yet.
ReplyDeleteX
Have you heard of PB2?? It's so good and tastes just like PB and only 45 calories for 2 TBS.
ReplyDeleteI use it in my protein shakes, sprinkle it on pudding, ect.
I have added the link below so you can check it out. It's only like $3.50 per container.
http://www.bellplantation.com/
I hope you feel better soon. I think being able to taste foods is a big gift in life. Can you imagine not being able to taste things?
ReplyDeleteLife is short. You should eat whatever you want, and enjoy it. Personally, I love food so much. Sooo much. I'm always eating. Although I have a fast metabolism, I'm unhealthy because of all the junk food I eat.
Although, we're still young. We should eat all we want and be happy about it! I know when I'm older I won't be able to eat all the things I want.
Also, I noticed on the right you wrote:
"113--can now be part of society, hopefully get a boyfriend, go off to college"
It's funny, but your weight has nothing to do with all three of those things.
Every human being can be part of society, fat thin, brown, white, purple, tall, short, disabled or not.
Have you ever known an overweight person who has a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife? Yes, you have, because weight doesn't stop anyone from falling in love! It's all about who a person is, what they do, what they believe, their personalities, etc.
And the college thing I don't get at all. Why do you need to be a certain weight to go to college?
Just curious.
ps. Shelby.
ReplyDeleteYes my parents are very aware of mia. There isn't a whole lot in my life that my parents dont know actually. When i was in hospital's ED clinic, i told my parents everything. They know all my dirty little secrets: you can't hide your shit when you are in places like that. it all comes out. My relationship with my parents has grown a lot because of all of this. It is hard espcially because i am an adult living in their house, not their kid, so the rules are more complicated. But yes i do get along with my parents and i try and be as open as i can be with my struggles. They are an amazing support and would do anything for me: they have helped me out so much and have stuck by me through thick and thin. It has been a rouch learning and growing expierence though. when my ed first started off it was so bad, i never thought i would ever have a normal relationship with them again. i thought they hated me and were against me and were out to get me essentially. But i learned, they it was quite the opposite. They Love me more than i could ever even know and want the best for me. I do want to be healthy, and whole loving each day and living it fully. They help me do that, when i let them in... as painful as it is sometimes.
But yeah:) its really twisted up all this stuff isnt it? But family is all we have when it comes down to it: so i decied i was gonna work at making it better!
Sorry i went on a bit there: i just thought id share a bit more about me with you there
have a good one darling
xxo.
rach
you exercise a hell of a lot more then i do! I deffinatly need to re join the gym! Keep strong lovely xx
ReplyDeleteHeyy, (@your comment.) I know this(ED) is a big part of my life too, but it has brought so much misery that I can't do it anymore, I want to have control in a 'good' or 'healthy' way.
ReplyDeleteAnd you've probably lost the extra brownie'weight' and don't you think it's annoying when people watch you eat and when you eat less then what they do, you're 'starving' yourself (theysay.) and when you eat more, they say you shouldn't eat that. At least that happens to me so many times, too annoying lol.
I hope you'll be happy soon and hope therapy helps.
Loves.
I noticed that Peanut Butter was one of your favs, so i thought it would be a disservice to not tell you! I really can't tell the difference...in my shakes, It's so good. It kinda has the dryness of reeses pb (you know how the pb in reeses is a little drier than gooey pb?) reeses are my fav and I finally found an alternative! Here's a recipe for you:
ReplyDelete1 scoop protein powder (90 Cal)
1 cup light soy milk (50 cal) or Almond (60cal)
Milk(or whatever your preference)
1 Tbs Sugar Free Jello(25 cal)
(from the box, not prepared)
-it gives it a better consistency
2 TBS of PBS (45 Calories)
5 Ice CUbes
and blend....
It totally tastes like a reeses shake!