I can be me.

Here on this blog....
I can be me.
I feel safe.
I feel okay.
I feel like I can be honest.
I trust you guys.

I'd love to share my new blog with you guys.
I am keeping this blog.
I'm not ready to give it up.
I'd appreciate any comments though about my new blog to be on THIS blog. PLEASE.
Because I don't want anyone who reads my current blog (not that I think anyone does....) but I don't want it to trace back to this blog. so please....please...respect my wishes!!! PLEASE!!!! Unless you leave a comment with your name or something then that is okay! As long as your blog isn't attached and people can't click on your blog!
Thank you for respecting my wishes.

[removed]

I'm not going to leave that address up too long.....just as an fyi
I hope if you want to check it out you do and PLEASE tell me what you think....because I would LOVE to know!

(My about section doesn't have anything about my struggles or if you think it does and i just am unaware please let me know...i know its not good im not being totally honest but i am NOT ready to be totally honest and for people to know....i just am not..and because i am not ready i really dont want people to know or share stuff i dont want to. so i hope you respect that. and understand when im ready i will share that if i even want to.)

Things have been okay.
I see my therapist tomorrow.
Which I am thrilled.
He is always amazing and so helpful.
But I need thoughts on something...
I've been awfully depressed.
It is not good.
Worst than when I was at school. This past week its just been never ending. I've had two good days. Today was better than usual and then a day a few days ago or whatever. IDK. But I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Monday....so January 3rd....except....I would be paying for it....all $575 it cost for the initial appointment....I am not willing to talk to my mom about it and she would want me to go to someone who is covered by insurance or someone else....and I've tried to get meds from other people! They won't give it to me. I'm convinced they didn't give it to me because I don't need meds and meds won't fix my problems...but my therapist thinks its because I wasn't honest with them.....
I've called some people that are on my insurance plan....some havent called back...one of them I've been playing phone tag with but I haven't heard from him in a week or so...so I doubt I'm going to hear from him again.
So I just am so torn! The inital appt is $575 and the follow ups are around $375 (i believe he said) anyway....who knows how many times I'm going to have to go or if I'm even going to get meds out of this whole process and if meds will even help me.

I ran 22 miles last week!
Thats good I guess.
And I don't run every day. I ran like 4 days last week.

I really need a nice healthy clense though. Like just nutritious and healthy food. Eating still of course like around 1600 calories or so but I just have been bingeing so much at home and it just SUCKS. and it no fun!!! Any tips or suggestions on bingeing???? I just binge sooo much!!!!! Or I have been bingeing a lot and it sucks.....i just eat...and eat...even if im hungry...i still eat.
EATING WON'T FIX MY EMOTIONS OR PROBLEMS.
EATING DOESNT FIX ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3
Night guys.

I love God!! (I wish I loved my body the same)

First off--THANK YOU all for the lovely comments :-)
It was so nice and means the world to me!!!!! I love getting comments! Sorry I don't leave too many comments anymore. I will try to get better. Right now is also really hard because its finals week and thats CRUNCH time!!!! So that means....well I finished my first semester (TODAY!!!! YAYYY) and only have exams left and I will be home soon but lots of crazzy studying is NEEDED!!!!!!!!

anyone use twitter?

I love God.
Its hard because my food issues tear us further and further away.
But he has a special place in my heart and in my life.
And when I am just able to be with him and pray with him and talk to him...it is the most amazing feeling.
You are never alone girls!!! Even if you don't believe in him I believe that he is with you so its okay you really are never alone.
Someones always going through the same thing as you too. Even if it doesn't FEEL that way.

So a quick post...or I want to try to make it quick because it's already almost midnight and I have yet to do any work!!
But...
This week thankfully has only gotten better. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough for me.
I was just feeling really out of control.
And I hate when I get like that.
I can't think rationally.
I am a mess.
I don't accomplish anything (like school work)
And I just HATE it.
And I don't know why....why that happened....I've been eating normally.

I thank the Lord for my therapist every single day.
I obviously am biased but I believe I have the best therapist ever :-D
Okay okay...there are other VERY GOOD therapist out there too. But my therapist is the best for me. And thats what's important. You're therapist has to be the best for you. Or at least someone who you trust, respect, enjoy talking to, listens well, understands you, and wants the very best for you. The therapist should also be professional.
He is the father I never had.
He knows everything.
I get annoyed at him. I've yelled at him.
He gets annoyed at me. He's been very stern and serious with me.
But the best part about us each getting frustrated at one another is it shows how honest and open we are with one another. I've seen MANY other therapists and at times I feel like they are "higher" than me and I can't ever disagree....or I can't be like I'm mad at you....I don't know why I think that way....because I shouldn't....but I have with other therapists.

Anyways I cut and binged and just was feeling awfully fat and disgusting...ya know the whole hate relationship with the body that goes on.

But I am very happy with myself.
Because.....
lately my head gets to me when I run on the treadmill....
my head plays too many games with me....
but tonight i said to myself....your gonna go and run and....and run for YOU....run for HAPPINESS....run to FEEL BETTER...run and have alone time....time with yourself...and time with God.
And I did just that!!!
I ran about an 8:30 mile pace.
I ran 8 miles :-)
It took me 67:02 mins.

The treadmill was annoying because after 60 mins it puts you in the "cool down" mode....and it went to 4.5 mph and I had to increase it back up to my running pace and then shortly after it would go back down to 4.5 and i'd increase it again and run more...and then it'd go back down...and i'd have to increase it again....okay okay okay you get the idea!!! lol :-)
So that was annoying....but it was okay.

I am just so proud.
I am just so proud because I beat my damn negative thoughts.
I beat them and destroyed them.
I just maybe....maybe was so happy in my shower after my run that I had a few tears of joy :-)

I kept telling myself "go go gadget legs" on my run and "how great is it going to feel after this run is done"

Thats the longest run I've ever done on the treadmill

I hope this week is better and I love myself and try to love my body better.

Haven't blogged in a while

I haven't blogged in a while.

So...life...
Well I came home for thanksgiving break...I've lost some weight since the start of school...which is GOOD!! In the beginning it was probably due to restricting. I definitely restricted a lot more in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm eating an average of say 1600-2000 calories a day...sometimes more...sometimes slightly less....I am lifting weights and working out....
Okay anyway...thanksgiving wasn't that great. I ate too much. Way too much.
I SAW the weight. SAW IT!!! SAW IT CREEPING ON ME!!!! I LOOKED DISGUSTING AND BLOATED!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I need to just not have the mentality that I need to eat everything.
Luckily--all that weight I gained is slowly disappearing from just eating healthier and idk....it just has gone down i feel it and see it since I was home.

I ran that race on thanksgiving. It was a 6 mile race and I did it in 49:10 (I believe) I'm not sure of the exact time because they haven't posted it online :-( ughh!!!!

In regards to my disordered eating/food habits...
I am thinking I want to start a new blog.
A fresh one.
One that I am going to enjoy and hopefully that will be happy feelings.
I'll take more pictures of my food.
I'll still talk about my life and my struggles.
But not as much.
DEFINITELY not as much.
No way am I comfortable talking about the AWFUL AWFUL binges I've had....or the throwing up...or the extreme restricting....or the days where I burn over 1000 calories at the gym for feeling so damn guilty.
My most recent binge was an ENTIRE big bag of pretzel m&m's. UGH. LETS NOT GO THERE THO! it was awful. awful. idk why i bought it. why!?!??!!! Earlier that day I remember I binged on lots of fruit in my room too.
But see to me...bingeing on fruit may seem "healthier" but in my mind its not.
It's still a binge.
I still feel guilty, disgusting and out of control.

I still often feel fat, I often think my thighs are the most disgusting things ever are really big, I pinch my body, I pinch my fat, I compare myself to other girls. I still often get depressed too.

I still do all that.

I am in no way cured. Not yet that is. But I one day will. I will.
I think I am making this sound worse than it is....

Really...I mean I am eating a lot more, seeing good results by lifting heavier weights (like loosing inches) and hanging out with hot boys by the weights is ALWAYS a plus :-)
Seriously.
:-)

But I am doing well. I am.
Theres hope out there girls.
Just keep beating those irrational thoughts.
It's hard. It's not easy.
But it's what we got to do.
No one deserves to be unhappy.
No one deserves to suffer like this.
Calories won't make our lives better as much as we THINK it will.
Just because we think something doesn't mean we are right.
A thought is just a neuron firing in the brain. Did you know that??
We have TONS of thoughts throughout the day. Most we don't pay attention to. We also choose what thoughts we want to listen to and which ones we don't. Did you know that??

Do you not believe me?

Do you not believe me that just because we think something doesn't mean we are right?

Well...here's an example...
You are walking down a crowded hallway in school carrying lots of books.
Someone bumps into you from behind.
You fall to the ground and your books go everywhere.
You are EXTREMELY MAD and EMBARRASSED.
You start to yell at whoever that JERK was that pushed you over.
You turn around.
And you see the person.
And you realize they are blind.
How do you feel now....??

See....our thoughts are VERY powerful.
And they can change in an instant.

Calories and food won't make any of our problems better. They won't fix anything.

Oh and I saw my therapist over break.
It was really good to see him. He seriously makes everything better.

If I start a new blog hopefully those that are interested will read it <3
I'd love that.
But if you do...I would really respect it if you honored it and didn't make comments regarding this blog that I have now....any of my past...or anything that would not be appropriate to bring up.
And I hope you'd all respect that if you are interested. If you are interested let me know and I'll inform you whenever that new blog happens.

Life.

So...
I currently just scrapped the peanut butter jar clean. mmm...wonderful. :(
Except I am not going to fret about it.
It was probably 2 servings worth. So yeah a lot of calories but whatever. I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at like 4am and it SUCKED staying in bed for a while doing nothing...thinking about food...whats new!!
Anyway...a friend e-mailed my therapist saying she was concerned about me and I know she probably mentioned that I threw up and was bitching about my body. I did NOT expect her to email my therapist though. I'm glad she told me she contacted my therapist rather than hearing it from my therapist. ugh.
I guess that just stresses me out. I don't want her to think I have an issue. Because yeah I did do that but I am SOOO much better than where I used to be. And my friend was just like you have a great body and don't need to worry about that. BLAHH!!! Umm sorry....have ya checked out my thighs or the rolls and rolls of my fat stomach?!? ugh I think not.

Sorry...I just NEEDED to VENT. My goodness.

So today's my day off from working out.

Sarah left a comment asking what my workouts are like. We'll....it depends...I currently am training or whatever ya wanna call it for a 6 mile race on Thanksgiving and hope I will be able to run a half marathon in March!!! That would be soo amazing. But my mind OFTEN gets to me when I run and tells me I can't do it/can't run that far etc etc...

But yesterday I worked my butt :-) woohoo I did 50 pushups (not woman ones either! :-) yayy) and Quads and Gluts and then ran a mile in 7:01 mins. I literally died after running that. I was exhausted.
I TRY to run about 11-15 miles a week. It's sometimes less. I weight train A LOT. Seriously you ladies out there--being toned is where it's at. Like my thighs I hate my inner thighs where all the fat is but my legs are pretty toned and my arms are pretty toned. My stomach...ehh not so much but it certainly has improved and gotten more toned. And when I said weight train.....I mean lift heavy...I lift heavy weights. I'll do barbell squats with 60 lbs and do lunges with a curl with 17.5 lb dumbbells and sumo squats with 60 lbs and you get the drift....But like I use 15 and 12.5 dumbbells for some things that are harder for me. Again its all whats heavy for you!!! you don't want to hurt yourself when your working out by lifting too heavy of a weight!!!

Life is blahh....so much work....literally so much work. I should get on that.
I'm just really stressed right now and I don't even know why!!

:-(

I am excited to go home soon.
I am excited to go to the gym, run my race, see my friends and hopefully go to church.
Oh and...I am speaking in a few weeks about my hearing aids....CRAP!!!! I'm so nervous!!! No one knows--not even my roommates...I'm speaking on this panel. Hopefully not too many people will go!!! lol

It's been a while....

Wow-It sure has been a while since I last posted!!
I love blogging but I'm also terrified someone I know will find this.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog--like about my life at school, work, food, fitness....and LESS about these destructive thoughts I have. But I think writing about my struggles that I don't share and about how I REALLY feel about my body is helpful.

I have no idea what I weigh. Last weighed myself almost a month ago. That terrifies me.

Sarah-you're comment the other day made my day :-)
So sweet of you. It means so much to me when people think about me--i mean i usually think about a lot of you all too and random people in life but it's just when you feel so hopeless you think otherwise.
Anyway--I think I'm going to try and blog more. It's a wonderful form of therapy.
No joke ate 5000 calories yesterday.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a WHILE.
I'll admit. I purged...twice yesterday but the second time was a struggle for me. I fear getting caught so much when I purge. I really like doing it. That sounds crazy and weird but it just helps me so much. Like I'm getting stuff out of me--everything out of me that sucks in life.
My therapist from back home is getting frustrated with me and feels helpless and is just annoyed at me. I don't blame him!! I mean I text him all the time and am "crying out for help" I mean I guess I am....I am...I am crying to him for help with my issues....but he really wants me to see someone on a daily basis and that can actually talk to me and not just text back and forth.
I really ought to stop texting him.
I guess I text him A LOT when I am lonely and feel crappy. He always knows what to say.
But I feel so bad when I text him!! I feel like such a bother and a pain. He sees so many other people--and I'm sure if I got these many issues lots of people have tons more than me.
He's just super super busy.

I've found myself getting super super depressed lately. It's NO fun!!!! I wish people took me seriously and saw how much pain I was in and that I actually could benefit from anti-depressants! But nope--everyone says I'm fine....so we'll that means I'm fine then...right...?!!!?!

I didn't work out yesterday.
I just finished an exam so that stressed me out.

I haven't TOUCHED the dessert bar at my school yet. The reason--I want to be "healthy" and I am TERRIFIED of the dessert bar. Once I go there once and break my good habit--disaster will strike!!!!

I think I'm going to make apple chips this weekend.....slice up some apples....put some lemon and cinnamon on them and then pop em in the oven! Sounds cool right!??!! lol and healthy! I guess...I mean it's just an apple!

I am trying to run a lot and work out a lot. I hope to run a half marathon in March!! Okay people--lifting weights and lifting heavy weights will seriously get you lean! I can't even tell you--like my stomach is looking amazing--except now its disgustingly bloated but l like four days ago or so my stomach was looking good. And I'm sure in a week or so after some clean eating and exercising my stomach will get back down. My legs look leaner. I could fit into these size 26 new jeans i got that I couldn't earlier this summer. Yet my other size 26 jeans I can fit into this summer. IDK!!! But I hope im not jinxing myself right now.

I have a shit ton of laundry to do today. What is everyone up to today??

How is everyone doing??? Please let me know!! I will try to check out peoples blogs and comment. It's hard. It's hard because I use this to vent and to write about my emotions and relate to people. And I offer words of care to people because I understand....and I get it...and life just sucks when the spiral keeps going down hill but I know I can only really care for myself and not really anyone else.

Any motivational quotes? Sayings? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas of a post to write??
okay well maybe I'll write again later today if not then this weekend or something =)

A nice break

It's nice being home for the long weekend.
It's a nice break.
I'm eating A LOT though.
I don't know.
I ran a 5K this morning. My time was 24:22. Ugh. I've done better/probably could have done better. My thigh/hamstring is KILLING me. I really want to go to the doctor/physical therapy for a few days while I'm home and get a massage of some sort on my leg/thigh. The pain just hurts.

I made this DELICIOUS Pumpkin Gingerbread with Buttercream Frosting.
OMG DELICIOUS.
Perfect!!
Got it off here :-)

http://ohsheglows.com/2010/10/02/pumpkin-gingerbread-with-spiced-buttercream/

Love it!!

I wish I could see my therapist while I'm here. I don't think I'm going to/can.
Whatever. :-(

I just wish I could be skinny. I'm trying to be happy and trying to work out and eat well.
It's just hard. It's a mess of a secret life.

Moods.

It's crazy how moods control you.
I'm in such a crappy mood right now and hate when I get like this.
I miss my therapists.
My mind is saying negative thoughts though...like he hates me and doesn't care...etc..etc.
I am depressed/sad. I think its because I'm fat, I'm scared shit I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow its the hardest crap in the world and I'm just lonely/have no friends.

ughh life is sucking right now.

Some food from the past few days...

Okay these photos aren't great because I felt odd at times taking photos of my food. I wasn't always alone so it was awk at times trying to snap a pic!

lol

Here are some though!!!

It was all very tasty!! :-)


A close up of my almond milk and scoop of whey protein powder and peanut flour:


My oatbran with a peach and cinnamon and 4 scoops of plain chobani yogurt (delicious!!!!)


Again....


My oatbran with 2 cut up figs, flax seeds, wheat germ and 2 scoops of chobani yogurt!


All mixed up!


Okay and I wanted to eat more spaghetti squash today. That stuff is just so good.
But....I knew if I wanted to be full I should probably add some protein to it.
So...I found some protein! Or what I think is protein LOL
Went to a place where you can get food and I got myself this:



....some cut up chicken....
IDK it was the only really thing that looked semi appeptizing. I'm curious as to how many calories that has....thoughts?!?!?? Idk I used about 1/2 of it and I'm guessing half of it is like 90...Idk it's not that much at all so many thats on the high side......


And then I cooked my spaghetti squash!! YUM! and added sauce and some chicken!!!!
Here is my amazing lunch today!!!! I also had a pear with it. Ate it without a photo =)



Mixed it all up!
I know...I know...the pictures not great but it was really good!


My dinner tonight!! Post-workout! :-)
Oatbran, scoop of protein powder, wheat germ, flax seeds, hemp seeds and a banana!




That's all I have for ya!
Better get started on some homework!!

I miss taking photos of my food.

I do. I do miss taking photos of my food.
So I'm still very sad and a mess. But I know my uncle and my grandmother are in a happier place and not suffering anymore. God is taking care of both of them <3

It took forever to fall asleep last night but once I finally did I slept well.

I did laundry and changed my sheets this morning. I love clean sheets! :)

A little after 2pm I had some food.
Oatbran, banana, wheat germ, flax seed, hemp seeds and a spoonful of plain chobani yogurt




And...
I took a picture of my back....I wanted to see if it was muscular.....I feel like it's deceiving and I'm not as muscular as it appears....I mean I AM flexing in this photo. It's not like I'm not flexing. I don't know how long I'm going to keep it up but I sort of wanted to posted it. Maybe it's just me and maybe this photo doesn't look like I have much muscle at all. I don't know!!!

(photo removed)

I'm going to maybe go to the gym in a bit....try and clear my mind....try and get some work done too...

I think dinner will be spaghetti squash if I can cut it open.
No friends to go to the dining hall with so I think I'm staying here.
We'll see if I'm successful at cutting it open! LOL
I'll take photos!!



I'm back!!!
Ok--here we go....

I got out all my supplies!!



I was very worried I would not be able to break this sucker open.
So I poked it with a fork and put it in the microwave for a minute.

Hmmm....I was still thinking....I wonder if I'm going to like this thing.....
I start cutting it open.....It's easier than I thought it would be!! My little knife is working!!! :-)



And I did it!!!

It was a small one! It fit in my hand.



And I'm looking at this thing....thinkng "Okay seeds...where are ya?" And I looked around....found some....found like 8 and then was like "Well that was easy!!" ummmm...NO! hahaaha there were a ton more buried all over the place and then tiny tiny ones.
It took FOREVER to get them all out. I'd say like 20 minutes? Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know.....
But I just kept thinking.....this damn spaghetti squash better taste good....because I was very suspicious to say the least......

Finally I got them out!!
Or I thought I got them all out....

Popped it into the microwave.
It came out looking like this.



My thoughts.....hmmmm
1) I see SEEDS
2) Is that what it's supposed to look like??
3) Is it cooked??

I got a few seeds out I saw....and then decided it was cooked

I started digging in to one of them!



And went "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SOOOO COOL" hahahahahaa

I wasn't sure if I was going to like it so I started with just one half.
I cleaned it all out :-)
But this photo doesn't show how well I really cleaned it out. I cleaned it out after this photo more :-)



I added some sauce and this is what my FIRST bowl looked like.



My thoughts.....
1) It was YUMMMYYYYYYY
2) Why haven't I ever eaten this before?????
3) I am going to start eating this at home???
4) Who can I get to take out all the seeds so I can just eat it??? hahahaa

I attacked the second half!
My second bowl!!




Okay so it was good.
But I still think pasta is good from time to time. But this is definitely good. Like when I grow up I'd call it "pasta" and serve it to my kids :-) heheheehee
I don't know if I was really full after though.
I did have some veggies with it




But I gave my hungry body a rice cake, a small apple and 1 cranberry oatmeal protein cookie from the protein bakery! :-)

GOD-WHERE ARE YOU????????????????

Really??? Where are you right now??????
I had an amazing workout. I WAS excited to eat after.....then I heard the news....and my appetite collapsed.
I ran 7 miles.
But then my life was torn apart.
The second I ended my run-my sister wanted me to call her back/call her asap. And I did.
What does she tell me??
My grandmother just died.

THE PROTEIN BAKERY!

Okay--so.....I'm doing OKAY right now. Had an apple for breakfast. Shortly after I had some coffee with almond milk. Then after classes for the day....about an hour ago...I had some oatbran with peanut flour and a cut up apple. AND then I opened my box from the protein bakery!! I ordered a pkg of oatmeal cranberry cookies (2 cookies in a pkg) and a pkg of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (again 2 cookies in the pkg) and okay so that was $4.50 and then shipping.....damn shipping.....was $9.25!!!! goodness gracious. hahaaaha.
I opened my package of cookies and SURPRISE they threw in extras!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaa :-)
That was exciting!!!
Not that I need the extra calories. The stats are pretty good. Idk.......
But I ate one package....so yes....two cookies....of the pumpkin chocolate chip walnut cookie. Which was one they threw in for free.....?....which was SOOOOOOO SOOOOO SOOOO good! :-) And then they also through in this blondie.

I snapped a photo :-)



I weighed myself this morning.
I've lost weight.
But it was weight I needed to loose.
I'm not going to weigh myself until October 1st.

Hope everyones doing well.
Thanks for the comments :-)
I'm going to go pump some iron (this weekend) and run some miles in a few :-) after this food digests.

Okayy sooo.....an update....I went to the grocery store!!!!
Woohooo. I love food. I really don't want to gain weight at this damn school though. I hope I maintain control over this food!!!!!!!! I've lost like 10 lbs....who knows if its really 10 lbs though....and to be honest....I needed to loose those 10 lbs.
So I am addicted to shopping for food. I spent way to much money!!! BLAHHHH!!!!
Waiting for the bus I had a lovely LUNA-White Chocolate Macadamia Bar and 1 fig and 1 soy and flax rice corn cake thingyy.

Heres all the lovely groceries I bought..........





thoughts?? opinions?? comments???

I forget what Larabars taste like...I can't buy many granola bars.....ya know why??? They are my ENEMY!!! sorry I love 'em but I can eat an entire box. I will binge on that stuff. I got La Tortilla tortillas.......hmmm....IDK what I'm going to do with it......maybe bring it to the dining hall to have my turkey sandwich on? I mean my roommates are pretty chill with doing stuff like that I think....or I'll just get a sandwich and then take it back to my room....?? and then use a tortilla in my room and then eat the sandwich in my room....IDK!!! I got a banana because there are never bananas in that damn dining hall!!!! I also got some veggies....maybe I'll steam those up later?!?! 100 calories per a bag :-) YUMMMM and I got some spaghetti squash thanks to GiGi! She talks ALL about it with me ALL the time hahaa and I finally am going to listen and give it a try. I bought semi small ones because I hear they are a BITCH to cut open....so I'm NOT exactly sure HOW the HELL I'm going to cut those things up in this damn dorm room.

Oh and I'm doing well purging wise....binging is sometimes hard...but I've been okay.....no purging though....I don't even remember the last time I did....maybe sometime before I left for school..maybe begg. of august/mid august. It's hard with hall bathrooms. Harder than you'd think. People are constantly in there and I have no where to hide or whatever. Idk I have no urge. And because I haven't purged a lot since March/June/whenever I really stopped....I think it was around then....there have been only a FEW times where I have thrown up---obviously thought I was really upset and felt really guilty the times I have since then....and they haven't been many times...but...because of me stopping and no longer doing it---it means I don't have an "eating disorder" anymore. Right...????!!!! I mean I don't think I've ever had an "eating disorder" but a bunch of psychologists and a doctor told me I did...maybe I heard them wrong ;)

Oh ANDD I love my therapist from back home. He is amazing. So good to me. Understands me and ATTACKS my thinking. And does it in a nice and caring way. Yet just aways challenges me!! And its good because it is helpful for all those irrational thoughts I have. I called the counseling center here today at my school and I think I'm going to go meet with someone in like 2 weeks or so....I'll probably write about it if I do go. I'm not planning on telling them I've had previous counseling...because you know what happens then....they ask why you had counseling etc etc....I am planning on discussing my trouble with shyness and homsickness and ya. Thats really it. We'll see......

Hmm...thats it for now. I'm gonna go work up a sweat. Or try to.....
:-)
See ya!

Life? Happy? Sad? Content? I don't even know.

I love eating healthy.
I'm a health nut.
I love exercising.
I love being healthy.

I also am VERY VERY scared of food. Food scared me.
I love it. But am very very scared of it at the same time.
My roommates are all going away this weekend. Which means I have the room to myself.
Yay relaxation but scared shit I will go crazy and binge.
I need to remind myself to BREATE, RELAX, GO DO SOMETHING AKA GET MY MIND OFF FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! AND JUST BE MINDFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sort of feeling homesick.
Sort of just want a friend here besides my roommates...if I even call them friends...they are very sweet...but I feel like I sort of have jumped into their lives by transferring and getting placed into their room. I miss my therapist. I am exercising a lot...I think?? I am trying to lift heavy and lift more weights! I think its working/will work....we'll seee...I'll try to read some blogs this weekend!
Hope all you sweeties are doing well <3
Update me on your lifes!!!!

I'm surviving like a hermit crab.

I'm surviving. But like a hermit crab. I hide in my shell when I want to. I find it difficult to meet people. I make too many judgments about myself all the time....and have too many racing negative thoughts...about people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me, people seeing how ugly i am, people not smiling, people not talking to me more than a quick conversation.......I don't really have friends yet. I don't. Okay--listen though--this blog is just helpful for me to speak my mind! to write about life! and thats really it--so please don't feel like you have to say anything. It is okay. And remember it is okay to feel sad and feel depressed and feel anxious. It is okay!!! It's just what we do with those feelings and how we act which depends on a lot of things. But feeling sad it okay! Too many times in this world we try to push negative feelings away

I am enjoying my classes though. Still not wearing my hearing aids really. At all. Whatever. I am praying to God he will give me the strength to do it and glorify me when I get the strength to do it.

I hope everyones doing well! I love the comments!!! LOVE EM!!! I try to read the blogs from time to time. It's hard. Because then I'm just on the computer....procrastinating....and not getting any school work done. and i really really want to focus on the work.

It's hard because I SHOULDNT but I compare myself all the time to people here. I have been doing okay. I really don't know how much I weigh. I did sort of have a bad weekend with eating. But I'm trying to not dwell on it....and to move on...if I keep dwelling on it it will only get worse and make me feel more crappy!!!!
I went to the farmers market today and got 3 peaches and 2 plums! I don't like keeping tons of food in my room-I have the dining hall anyway!! So thats enough fruit for me. They have bananas and apples in the dining hall which I sometimes bring back to the room but usually that only leads to binges to I am going to try to eat a piece of fruit in the dining hall or only take back one. All depends on the mood and stuff. Usually its good for me to eat a banana or something in the AM and then go right to class....that avoids binges...when I ahve somewhere to go like class....usually less apt to binge. But thats like only if theres very minimal time before I sat eating...okay I'm making no sense. hahaa sorry. but im trying to only eat my meals and not like eat meals and snack. and just be satisfied with the meals.

I am really praying a lot. I need the lord. I need him back into my life. I don't need boys. I need him. And through him all is possible. It's what I really believe. Through him I'll start to have friends at school, through him I'll feel okay about wearing my hearing aids, through him I'll find a boy that loves me for me, through him I'll succeed in school and work, through him I will feel beautiful, through him he'll give me the will to do all he created me to do! It wont come right away but it is possible. I just have to believe in him and love him. I have this girl--she helped me when I first started struggling with my body image and all. She was the only one I told and trusted and who still was my friend and listented to me. She is GORGEOUS and is very thin might i add and i just look up to her in everything--she is so inspirational. she loves the lord. loves him and just told me how beautiful i am and how great of a friend i am and it just meant so much to me. and i was feeling SOOO CRAPPPY this night. this was this weekend--i was feeling really crappy after feeling so out of control from eating so much. so she made me feel a ton better and renewed and just hopeful that things will be okay. and it just made me happy to talk to her.
<3


I have lots of work I should be doing so I am going to go but I am doing okay. I of course miss my therapist!! I actually deleted all my texts with him and his contact info from my phone. Oh well hahaa. Idk why I did. I mean I have his number memorized. So it doesnt really matter. I just part of me always feels like a bother and i just wanted to try and separate myself from him and relax and just idk. Its not like I'm seeing him anyway right now he's 3 hrs or so away so ya. He has lots of other patients he's dealing with and doesn't need me to add onto that list.

College!

So I had my first day of classes. My roommates are awesome--they are super pretty and go out and stuff. I love it.
I do miss my therapist a lot though.
Sorry I haven't written much or been commenting and shit. I've been super busy and don't know how much blogging I'll be able to do. :(
I've been eating very little. Idk I just haven't had much of an appetite. Last Wednesday I weighed 140.5 lbs and then last thursday I weighed 142 lbs. Thursday I left for college.....and I don't have a scale....but my roommate does and I just couldn't resist....I weighed myself after dinner/after eating all day and shit and I just don't think it was accurate. It told me I was 130.5
I really hate numbers but I just don't see how that is possible.
I mean I def do want to loose weight.
This cafeteria food is a lot healthier.
I'm working out though and I am eating.
I am taking really good classes too.
Idk what else to write :/

Vacation!!

I'm leaving tomorrow AM and going to spend the weekend...or well until Monday AM with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I'm excited. They are renting a gorgeous house on the beach.
Not excited to wear my bathing suit. We'll see how that goes.
Sorry I haven't commented.
Life has been sooo busy. Just go go go go all day. When I get some down time I promise I will read and comment....I really care about you guys and thanks so much for leaving comments. It means A LOT!!!!!!!

And GUESSS WHAT!!!!! I'm soooo happy :)
My therapist was like so when do you leave for school. I go next Thursday. He goes so am I seeing you Monday? I go as of right now no. He goes we'll why not? And blah blahh and added me to his schedule :) yayyayyy
That makes me so happy I get to see him again.
He is amazing.
I could not imagine life without him. He is my savior. Well God's my savior. But he's my second savior. :-)
He is amazing. Amazing. The best psychologist in the worlddddd!!! haha granted I am biased but I mean hes just awesome :)

I have a demonologist appt monday and he was like so how do they do that? is it a lazar? I go "I don't know" and then he asked another question and I go "I don't know" and then maybe he asked something else too and I said "I don't know" LOL and he goes...."I don't know why I keep doing that you already told me you don't know. When my wife does that to me and I say 'I don't know' to her and she keeps asking me and I say 'I don't know' then I go 'I don't know would you like me to change my answer?'"
HAHHAA I love him. He's like then she gets annoyed. lolzzzz
:-)
And he just gets me and is chill and just is amazing at listening and doesn't judge me or criticize me for the destructive behaviors I do--all he does is question my thoughts, question my beliefs and constantly beat down on me--in a nice way tho--sometimes I don't even realize he is doing.

But I'm doing well. I mean I guess. Not really. I am eating and working out. Like I'm not loosing weight but its not like I like my body. So in my opinion it doesnt matter--I'm still not doing well because I'm not happy.

Thanks for the comments :-) it makes my day :-)

Done with work for the summer....?? What!?! :)

So yes-I am done working for the summer. Well okay I'm working for maybe 3 hours today but its not for the regular family I work for. So it's different. Yesterday was my first day off. I went to target and a mall. Got all sorts of fun goodies :) Spent way to much money might I add but had fun. I went by myself and wore my hearing aids. A "homework" assignment from my therapist. Oh idk why I listen to him!??!?? And do what he says. Maybe it's because he's the only one that listens and cares about me. I mean yall listen to me too :) and hear all my crap which is great and awesome but you know what I mean? I think.

By the way--thank you ALL for the amazing thoughts on hearing aids. I seriously never would of imagined some of the comments. Part of my mind is of course saying--oh they are just saying that, oh they are making that up, oh they are being nice...etc...etc....but part of me really wants to believe that I can be semi-normal and have friends and have a boyfriend with them. Thats my dream. But to be honest--I just don't see why any boy would want a girl with hearing aids.
And thanks for the text this morning lulu :)

So yesterday--oh my gosh! Such an INTENSE workout. My shirt was soaked...SOAKED in sweat. hahaa literally. not kidding. I needed it though.

I'm off to go see the podiatrist because I'm tired of getting shin splits and I'm going to see if he thinks I should get orthotics. We'll see what he says. Then off to babysit for a bit. Then might come home or just go straight to therapy. Then after therapy I'm going to the gym. So then I'd be home around 8. And then shower and eat.

I've been eating a lot lately. My weights not changing.
My life is going to be completely different in exactly ONE WEEK. I will be moving into my dorm room....next Thursday am.

But ummm....kashi oatmeal chocolate cookies---ummm just bought them yesterday and damn are they good.
My breakfast today was 2 of those and an egg. I gave in to the urge/craving. I know all urges go away and cravings sometimes too. But I just decided to listen to it. Sometimes I just have too. Usually I end up eating more crap later when I avoid my cravings.

So it's my last time seeing my therapist :(
I'm going to miss him. ummm...A LOT. like A LOT. he is the most amazing person I've ever met.
On monday we talked about choices and decisions. And we have the power to make choices and decisions in life. And he was bascially talking to me about this situations with a friend and her view on hearing aids and then my view. And how much of a freak I think I am when I wear them...and he said you have data...you have two sides to choose from/to believe and you tend to gravitate towards the negative...Idk if yall really want to know what we talk about I can maybe write more. Sometimes its too personal and thats the beauty of therapy.
But on monday he seriously helped me out a ton. He beat down on my thoughts. And questioned lots of my irrational thoughts and we just talked and it was just amazing.
Oh I am going to miss him.
Who knows if I'll see him again. Well as a patient of his that is. I'm sure I'd see him around but Idk how much longer I'm going to see him. Going off to school and stuff sometimes makes shit confusing.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I will comment soon/I'll try to ladies!!

Thoughts are so powerful!!!

Quick post---going to go to bed

Thanks for the comments--I will respond later!! SORRYYY!!!
Love you guys tho!!!

So tonight I saw some friends. I really wanted to go to the gym for an hour after my therpy session....I havn't been since LAST FRIDAY so its going to be 6 days of no gym! I am going tomorrow no matter what!!! Long story for why I couldnt/decided not to go. But I walked a bit and didnt eat anything today so whatever.

But thoughts are so powerful and I'm so glad I saw my therapist tonight.
He is amazing. Hes so easy to talk to. He's making me wear my hearing aids with my hair pulled back/in a pony tail to see him. I'm going to be coming from work on monday so he isn't making me wear them to babysitting but to see him he really wants me to.
My last time with him is on Monday.
:(
I didn't want to see my therapist but I'm so glad I saw him tonight.
LOVE IT!!!
<3

I promise I'll read blogs when I get home!!

I've been so bad--sorry.
Yesterday woke up early then knowing me and my family didnt leave till 9am. we were planning on like 7am and then drove...and drove...and stopped for gas...and drove...and drove...stopped to go to bathroom...and drove etc etc unti midnight.
Finally home.

Anyway-after my long journey I'm home.
About to go to work right after my shower and then seeing my psychologist later tonight.
Blahhhhh

But I was like FOR SURE I gained weight. I did not exercise. I hung out with my friends. Ate all day. And ate crap. And do you know what pralines are?? Praline cookies that is?? Ya lets just say I ate at least 4 BIG ones of those yesterday :(
SO sweet--sooo UNHEALTHY!!!!!
I saw changes in my body. I feel FAT. I feel HUGE. The number didn't change. I was shocked.

Thats all.
I have to run. I'm dreading therapy tho. I dont know why. Probably because I feel huge and dont want to leave this bed.

Healthy?

First off--thank you everyone for leaving such wonderful comments. It means a lot to me. Not everyone thinks like you guys do. So thanks. It made me really happy to hear all of that. I hope to one day feel fully comfortable. I think the hardest part is like friends, family and people that have known me all my life have never known I have hearing loss or imagined I'd ever have hearing aids in my opinion....so its just hard...I guess I'm having trouble with my old friends--people in the past--people that new me before I got the hearing aids--do i just wear my hair up and let them see it? do i talk to them about it? do i just ate like its no big deal and just relax? i dont want it to be a big deal. i dont!!! i dont want them to notice. i dont want it to be a big issue--but im just really insecure.

I'm eating well. Haven't been exercising lately. Right now I'm in this place where I'm not happy with myself at all, not happy with my body etc etc but I eat. And eat a shit load. Its just hard. Like am I healthy because of the food I eat/number of calories I eat??? But I don't feel healthy because to me healthy is loving yourself and being good to yourself and just happy.

Its nice saying by to my college friends from last year. Its good to see them. I'm happy I'm here but its also sad and hard. I'm torn. I hope I'm making the right decision by transferring.
I don't know what else to blog or write about.
My therapist is awesome.
It's crazy how I can be so happy and love my friends but then just be really unhappy and sad and not want to see anyone and hate my therapist.

I got lunch today with a gorgeousss gorgeousss friend whos hearing impaired. Much more than I am.
We got lunch and frozen yogurt too!!
It was yummy!!
Heres a picture of the frozen yogurt and my left over panini is underneath.



Oh and I went out to dinner with my mom last night! Had an amazing raspberry pear salad!! It was soo good! With a raspberry vinaigrette. It was one of my friends birthdays so we got a little silly/drunk :) I wasn't really drunk though and then the cops came and busted this party we were at. No fun :(
They had an ice luge, jungle juice, beer, shots, lots of shit and crazy people.

Haven't posted in over a week!!

Wow-It's been a while since my last post and a lots happened.
I'm really not restricting. I'm exercising till quiet a bit. My weights not changing. I'm still not happy with myself though.
I FINALLY talked to my therapist about my hearing aids.
It needed to be done.
I wasn't wearing them. He has never seen them on me. It took me a year to talk to him about my hearing aids. I got them last August. So it took a year. Wow. Shows how insecure I am about them.

ITS POURINGGG OUT!!!!!!
STREETS FLOODED!! so much for going on a run outside today :( oh well
typical day. hahaa.


Something called radical acceptance. Something I need to work on. Accepting my family life for how it is, accepting my body for how it is, accepting my friends for how they are, accepting me for me. Doesn't mean things won't change, but it just means that I will accept things for how they are right NOW and in the MOMENT.

Another thing my therapist has helped me realize--that i make fun of myself too often in front of my friends...and that i need to STOP doing that!!!!!!

I'm so torn with like wanting to see my psychologist and hating him. Wanting me to talk to someone and then being like blahh I'm not worth it. Why does he see me. How do I compare to the other people he sees? Does he like them better? Is the smiles and laughter and seriousness in our sessions real or is it just fake? Does he really enjoy listening to me?

I saw him 3 days ago and I just didn't want to face my fears. I didnt want to face my therapist. He is soo amazing to me. He is wonderful. I love him very much. He's like the dad I never had. But he knows me too well....he knows me soo well and because I hate myself...I hate facing my fears....I didnt want to face him...I didnt want to see him. I sat in my car...ten minutes after I was supposed to be up in his office...he texts me asking if im on my way....i tell him im trying to get out of the car...he tells me to get up to his office now and after 3-5 minutes i slowly get out of the car. As im walking out he texts me telling me hes coming down to get me. I lean against the wall. Am very unresponsive when I see him and am cold. And walk up the stairs to his office. Very quiet and not responsive. By the end...I'm happy and very glad we talked. Even though I wasted 20 mins of our session doing nothing.....ughhhh idkkkkkkkkkk
What is wrong with meee. I don't even know what mental disorders I'm classified as having right NOW. Maybe I'm suspicious of what I have but it hasn't been discussed in a long time.

Something my therapist told me....one day...a boy is going to love you and love your body. And he won't understand you and will want you to love your body. You won't get him and you will think he is lying and thinks your fat when he really loves your body.
Hmmmm doubt that day will EVER come. Doubt a boy will EVER find me attractive. It hasn't happened once in my 19 years so why would it happen now...?

Question--if you were going off to college or went to a new high school and there was a girl there with hearing aids and she wasn't cool but wasn't a total loser....would you be friends with her? would you judge her because of her hearing aids? would you look at hearing aids as you look at glasses? would you talk to her?
I'm transferring colleges.
I want people to be HONEST. please. I don't care what you say. I have my opinions on knowing i'd be judged and can't accept me because of my insecurities and my problems so seriously idc if you say you wouldnt talk to the girl/wouldnt be her friend. i've realized that most of the time thats the case.
just please be honest if you answer the question.

I think the reason why this issue/my hearing aids are so hard for me because I don't know how to be social/talk to friends about it. I just got them a year ago. Don't wear them that often. Usually only wear them when my hair is down and when I'm in difficult situations/where I know its going to be hard to hear. And so I guess I don't know how to approach it. My friends I've grown up with all my life have no idea. They don't know. My college friends from the school I went to last year have no idea. My aunts and uncles and cousins have no idea. So do I just suddenly wear my hair up and wear my hearing aids and just let it all out??? They won't wonder what they are?? or stare at my ear??? or judge me??? hmmm....all those questions i respond with....no you don't just let it all out, they will wonder what they are, they will stare at your ears and they will judge you.

Idk what else to talk about.
I see my therapist two more times before I go off to school.
I'll miss him.
I also hope though that I find some amazing friends and amazing guy friends so I won't miss my therapist too much and won't fall into a complete hole of depression.
Someday I hope to accept who I am.
I hope to not define myself by my weight and the little things. I hope people can try and get to know my personality before judging me on how I look. I hope I can stop defining myself by others satisfaction of me and not define my worthiness by my friends or people texting me back/talking to me.



My therapist did tell me I'm doing very good things and hes very proud of me.

My Therapist Has Real Emotions Too!!! And that is awesome because it shows not everyones perfect!!!!!

So we didn't do much in therapy last night. I wasn't in the mood. Didn't feel like talking.
I need to bring up stuff on monday and we really need to get talking--I need to take advantage of seeing him. And love it because I'm not going to have him when I go to college which is VERY soon.

I found out where I'm living next year...and my roommates....I don't think they are transfer students....I think they are all close friends and I'm scared. I'm scared...they won't like me, I won't fit in....etc...etc.

We talked a bit about my weight last night. My therapist didn't believe me when I said I was close to 150 lbs. I said I am close! And I said "don't you dare say you think close to 150 lbs is one or two lbs" I told him I weighed 140 lbs. He said no you don't. I don't believe you. So I said fine-let's go find a scale--I'll prove it to you. We went down the hall to another empty office and there was a scale in there and I stepped on. Boooyooo therapist. Then he stepped on and go really pissed because the scale at home he has and the one we both stepped on didn't say the same. Like his scale at home must be like 10 lbs off he said. So he seemed pissed and depressed. Probably wasn't a good idea to step on the scale on the beginning of our session because he did seem very happy and in a very good mood to see me when I first came in. So it just showed me he has real emotions which is important. And I don't think he should hide those emotions from me. Some might argue he should. Hes my therapist and he should. But just like I shouldnt hide emotions from him he shouldnt from me. Were real people. We have bad days. We have days where we feel like crap. I think he also was upset because he was planning on going to the gym yesterday morning and woke up at like 5am to work on a report for this parent and he then realized he had hours of work ahead of him to do....so he missed the gym...met with the parent and she didnt even take the report so he was pissed. He wish he had gone to the gym he told me.

I'm doing okay. Last night I really didnt want to hang out with friends. My therapist said I needed to and I need to stop isolating myself. So he told me to go see them. Of course I listened to him. Ugh I wish I hadn't and just gone to bed. Whatever. We didn't do much but I guess it was good I saw them. My mood was a little down last night.
I tend to make fun of myself in front of my friends which gives them permission to make fun of me...I guess....and I didn't realize how much I did that until last night and taking to my therapist and realizing I do that. He told me I need to stop doing that. I agree,

My fun gym class tonight!! I'm excited!! :)

quick post!

i have to run to work! i slept late and just blahhhhh whatevesss

anyway i know i said i didnt want to write my workout and count calories on here anymore. i really dont want to. i want to stop comparing myself to others and others comparing themselves to me. its a hard thing to not do!!!!! so im trying to not give in to that and not be an advocate for that sort of stuff

anyways i had some lovely oatmeal today with hemp seeds, wheat germ, flax seeds and grape nuts and some blueberries as well. it was very filling and delicious.

im taking a day off from the gym today. im quiet sore. and i also have work until 10pm. so seeing as i slept late i didnt have much time and anyway i could use a day off. rest is just as important as working out. says my trainer :) hahaa since he sees me at the gym all the time.

xoxo
id love some lovely texts or comments to keep me smiling :)
xoxo

therapy tomorrow!! wooohooo hahaha im such a loser :)

ohh and guess what monday i ate a little over 2000 calories. i know i said no number but i just really wanted to say that and when i weighed myself tuesday morning i maintained!!! i was soo surprised!!!!

I love therapy!! I love personal training!!

I had a wonderful personal training session today. He whipped my butt. We did hard ass stuff. Dumbell stuff and used bands.....like one leg squats, dumbell row, arm curls, push ups....just really hard stuff and very minimal rest! I loved it!!!
I got a really good workout.

Of course I still have a lot of trouble with my body image and one homework assignment my psychologist gave me was to keep track of how many negative thoughts I have about my body and about me and stuff and I did....and it ranged from like 40-59 times. So I don't know my therapist thought that was pretty high....it's like 3-4 negative thoughts an hour. And if I dwelled on a thought for a while I only put one tally mark. If I started thinking about something else for a few minutes and then went back to a negative thought I put another tally mark.

Blah..

So I didn't have a therapy time scheduled today but I asked my therapist if I could please please see him monday (today) and he hadn't heard from one person and then idk we were texting and then i heard they hadn't shown up yet so I got off work early and drove up and saw him for 30 mins. It was short but nice. I'll see him again Thursday.

I love therapy I love being listened to.

Part of me wants to just get stick thin and another part of me (probably a big part dealing with my hot trainer :) wants me to get in kick ass shape and just work out a ton and get more toned and shit) I'm just so torn.

And I'm not going to give any numbers--I'm really trying to stay away from that.
But I didn't have much today and then I just gave in a little while and gave into my noisy tummy. I'm still not satisfied. Theres still some empty whole....craving more food but I just think it hasn't registered yet. Who knows.

I'm working a lot this week...sort of.
I saw friends tonight...we watched The Bachelorette it was nice to just hang out with friends!!!!!
I've missed seeing my friends!!! I just have been busy/haven't hung out with the much.

<3
I don't know.

I leave soon to go visit some college friends and probably going to be on the beach a lot.. Blahh Blahh.

I really need to get more comfortable with the invisalign and my hearing aids.
The invisalign really helps though not just eating on auto pilot!!

<3
I absolutely LOVEEE the song "Just the way you are" by Bruno Mars. I wish some guy was singing that song to me.

Thanks for all the comments on the photos I posted guys. Sorry I haven't been commenting much.

Sad and Lonely

I hate when I get like this.
I haven't blogged recently.
I don't even know what to blog about anymore.

I won't ever be thin. I won't ever be pretty. I won't ever have control over my food.
I just want to be loved. Want somebody to swoop me up and say "I love you" and mean it. Yet-how will I know they mean it? How will I believe them if they say it and really mean it? How will I know? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll be able to sense it. But maybe I won't.
I want a mature, tall man who cares for me and loves me for me despite all my imperfections. I want somebody to not care about my flaws but just love me for the personality I have-whatever that personality may be.

Here's some photos from blueberry picking.
I added a photo of me at the end.
Me at 140 whopping pounds.
I am huge.
I know Im fat..ya don't need to lie or say otherwise.
I'm going to take the photo down in like 24 hrs but I decided I'd post it.






(pictures have been removed)

therapy therapy therapy.

still pretty pissed off at my mom. but i'm thinking a lot right now and I KNOW THIS IS THE RATIONAL SIDE OF MY BRAIN that even if i am stick thin i won't be happy. so why? why do that to myself if i won't be happy? and no one is going to like me any more, im not going to get any more guys or any more friends. hmmm....idk
Like being thinner would be amazing. But my psychologist asked me this question...if there was a guy at my school that was the EXACT same person as me....just a guy...but dealt with the same issues...would i be attracted to him?? the answer...no...because they have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, shy, loser....all that stuff.

I know that if I'm confident in my own skin and just start to love me for me and accept who I am. I'll be happy. But it's going to take some time. It's taken time for all theses rules and thoughts to be ingrained in my head too. I wasn't always unhappy with me.

my therapist is amazing and helped me think through a lot tonight
also that maybe my mom wasn't calling me a fat pig. and that she was just upset there weren't more brownies because she wanted them. she was planning on eating them. she didn't care that i ate them but she just wish there were more for her.
also-i think tonight im deciding no more posts about what i do to workout and how many calories i eat a day. because to be honest-thats only for me to know. and i don't want to encourage or discourage anyone. i really don't like the idea of pro eating disorder stuff just because if i could go back in time and change anything it would be this. this self hate for myself.
right now im going to really work at getting better. it will take a damn long time and its going to be hard because i won't have my therapist when i leave for school really soon but we'll see what happens.
idk thats all i really have for now.

I read this thing on mindfulness he gave me....
Anyone know what mindfulness is?? Anyone know what a thought is???

Well I'll start by saying a thought is just a neuro firing in the brain. It's just a thought. It's just something you created in your mind.
Mindfulness is living in the moment. It is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.

When you become mindful you realize you are not your thoughts; you become an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Mindfulness involves being with your thoughts as they are, neither grasping at them nor pushing them away.
So if you are sad, happy, guilty etc etc you need to just accept that...

Living in the moment involves a profound paradox: You can't pursue it for its benefits. That's because the expectations of reward launches a future-oriented mindset, which subverts the entire process. Instead you just have to trust that the rewards will come.

We all have pain in our lives, whether it's the ex we still long for, the jackhammer snarling across the street, or the sudden wave of anxiety when we get up to give a speech. If we let them, such irritants can distract us from the enjoyment of life. Paradoxically, the obvious response-focusing on the problem in order to combat and overcome it-often makes it worse.....
The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it-by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When we lose a love, we fight our feelings of heartbreak. As we get older, we work feverishly to recapture our youth. When we're sitting in the dentist's chair waiting for a painful root canal, we wish we were anywhere but there. But in many cases, negative feelings and situations can't be avoided-and resisting them only magnifies the pain.

The solution....acceotance. Letting the emotion be there. THat is, being open to the way things are in each moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience-without judging it, or pushing it away. The present moment can only be as it is. TRying to change it only fustrates and exhausts you. Acceptance relieves you of this needless extra suffering.
Say you just broke up with someone instead of trying to make the sadness go away...tell yourself...."I've just had a breakup. Feelings of loss are normal and natural. It's OK for me to feel this way."

You accept certain things are beyond your control.
The sadness, pain, stress or anger is there whether you like it or not. Better to embrace the feeling as it is. (again in a non-judgmental way!!)

BREATH!!!! (SOMETHING SOOO IMPORTANT. sounds soo silly but guys it sooo helps a ton!!!! if you just relax and breathe and you've probably been told it a million times by other people and feel like it doesnt help--get those thoughts out of your head and it soon will help like i have)
What's happening this instant? Think of yourself as an eternal witness and just observe the moment. What do you see, hear, smell? It doesn't matter how it feels-pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad-you roll with it because it's what's present; your not judging it. And if you notice your mind wandering, bring yourself back. Just say to youself. "Now. Now. Now"

Here;s the most fundamental paradox of all: Mindfulness isn't a goal, because goals are about the future, but you do have to set the intention of paying attention to what's happening at the present moment. As you read the words printed on this page, as your eyes distinguish the black squiggles on white/tan background (lol), as you feel gravity anchoring you to the planet, wake up. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you're aware of that feeling right now, as you're reading this, you're living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It's not a destination. This is it. You're already there.




p.s. sorry i haven't been reading blogs and commenting much
i seriously have gotten so many comments recently!! so many more than i ever ever ever thought i would and thanks for following me and all and yayy. but im just sorry i havent commented much. i work like crazy.
THANK YOU!!!!

tomorrow im going blueberry picking :) yumm and then have work really really really late.

EXERCISE. REALLY PISSED.

EXERCISE.

Something I don't do enough.

I'm really pissed right now. My mom knows I've turned into a huge fat cow with no eating disorder now. I hate it. She thinks I'm all better when really I hate being this fat. I want to cry right now. Scratch that. I am crying right now. I thought I didn't have emotions and couldn't cry when I wanted to but I guess I can.
I am huge.
I see my therapist tonight...great...I'm really looking forward to this.

Thank you all who commented on my therapist post. I was expecting more so if you can I'd love for you to comment.

My mom comes in my room this morning and goes "I see you woke up last night" because I was depressed and went to bed mad early and then did wake up in the middle of the night and I go "Yeah" and in my head am thinking "crap why did she say that...did she notice the fatty did wake up and eat"

I go downstairs. We rearrange all the cars we have in the driveway. She asks to borrow some of my amazing peanut butter since we're all out of Skippys. I have Bettern' Peanut Butter and Teddies. Teddies is soo much better. I don't really like the Bettern' stuff. And shes using the peanut butter I gave her and said it's okay this will do and I do have a brownie left and turns around and gives me a smirk. And I like look at her like omg she is crazy for yelling at me and I feel so helpless and horrible. And she goes unless your father ate some you went crazy. And I said mom I had 3. And she goes oh okay thats not bad. (Ok I really had 4 but I just couldnt say 4. So I said 3) FML FML I'm a HUGE FAT ASS.
I'm going to go to the gym until I burn at least 1000 calories and sit in the sauna for ever.

I wasn't feeling yesterdays workout:
-bike for 25 mins
-treadmill walked for 20 mins
-elliptical for 10 mins
-chin assits/pull up on 50 lbs did 12
-seated leg press
20 on 150 lbs
20 on 170
20 on 190
20 on 210
-torso rotation on 70....did 15 on each side
-chin assits/pull up on 50 did 12


Saturdays workout:
-treadmill for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-I did the personal training workout I did with my personal trainer the other day....it took me like 35 mins to do the whole thing and I timed it and only allowed myself 30 sec rests (later after the first 7 workouts or so the rests got to like 30-45 sec. i was getting tired. it was hard shit) i pushed myseelf
-treadmill walked for 10 mins
-stairs for 10 mins

I AM HUGE.
I HATE MYSELF.
OFF TO THE GYM FOR ETERNITY. WELL AT LEAST UNTIL I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.



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Sorry-it's long.
Oh and guys...how do I change my picture for my icon....like you know how it says "Followers" or whatever...whenever I follow people it has no picture....I can't seem to figure it out...haha...help??

Update....
I think the reason why I just get so mad at my mom about these things is because she knows I struggle with my weight. She does. I mean I'm fucking huge now. I am. Even though my therapist doesn't agree--I honestly believe he is just trying to be nice and he knows how sensitive I am and doesn't want to tell me I'm huge....but then again...we've literally talked about everything and he has told me if hes worried about someones weight and their health he will bring it up and talk to the person about it. ugh fuck. who knows. I think I'm just mad at my mom because shes just ughhh im just pissed.

I seriously should be loosing weight but I'm not because I eat sooo much!!
It's disgusting.
So my workout today....lots of cardio...probably too much cardio but whatever...Idk...all that matters to me is the # and the calories I burn...I'd probably be a lot more toned if I stopped doing cardio and lifted weights but whatever.
I ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes...ran 5.08 miles, stretched, then I walked a little...like 5-10 minutes or so, then I did the stairs for an hour and then walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I probably should of done more. Maybe I wasn't mad enough at my mom. Who knows.
Oh and Charr about this whole exercise thing...I do want to mention....I exercise probably too much...I mean maybe...but honestly I don't think I do...I really really don't....so if I stop exercising like my body is so immune to exercising that I don't even think I'm burning many calories. I don't know its weird. But my body is immune to it so if I stop...it's really bad....we'll if I stop and continuing eating how I do.

Oh and I can't see my psychologist tonight. I'll see him tomorrow though.
Thanks Rach and Charr for your lovely comments <3
It means the world to me <3

But I'm just so pissed at my mom. I haven't eaten yet today. Just sipping on some lovely sprite zero and trying to get my mood up.

Speaking of food....I did take some pictures a few days ago & yesterday of some shit I ate....

Ok-not the greatest photo--whateves.
It's a banana sliced in half with Better'n Peanut butter (which i don't particularly like as i said...but it has a lot less calories!) and on top is a container of chobani raspberry greek yogurt.


Here's my La Tortilla Factory Low Carb Tortilla (80 calories) with lots of teddies peanut butter as you can see and chia seeds and hemp seeds sprinkled on top (Thanks Rachel for talking about those hemp seeds :) they seem interesting but good...I'll have to get used to them)


Here's some food...I ate a lot more after....seriously guy I seriously eat a shit load....anyhow its my teddies peanut butter thingy thats pictured above and a rice cake with a thin layer of teddies peanut butter, whipped cream, and 15 warm blueberries.




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UPDATE
OHHH EMMM GEEEEE guys thank you all the comments mean the world to me!!!! i will update more later
today was good. im still pissed from what happened earlier today. all i ate today was a banana and 10 grapes.

ughh--thoughts?? love?? hate??

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I knew I'd be mad.
It's crazy. Like last night at my gym class I maybe maybe maybe thought I was semi slim.....at least I didn't feel totally obese. When I squat my legs sort of look good but ughh today I've gained like 20 lbs from what I saw in me yesterday. I seriously am obese. My problem is this.....I have something called being overweight.

It's a love hate relationship I have with my therapist.
Love because he's the only one who cares and listens to me. I have grown to trust him. He understands me. He allows me to be me and accepts me for me...when I can't even accept me for me.
Hate because he tells me what I hate to hear, what I don't believe, questions everything, makes me think, and ughh just pisses me off sometimes!!!!!!!!!
I texted him this morning telling him I'm a failure because I can't control my eating and I'm out of control.
He responds with...."Let me ask you a question...are people with eye conditions failures?"
And I gave him a shit answer with my emotions...said something like I was born to be a failure and it's just different for me and he said in response he wanted me to answer this question and to not avoid it by throwing emotions at him.
I told him eye sights different and i think stuff just applies to me.
He said "People with eye, ear, heart issues are not failures...they have real problems that they get taken care of. People with eating issues or body image problems are also not failures and need help to treat their issues." He also asked if the cutting is helping.
I responded to all that with "ok. if there not failures then what r they? n ugh why it is so hard to admit. ya i like it. and ya it helps."
He then said......"They are disorders that require treatment...no different than any medical condition."
I said...."Good thing I don't have any real disorders & am not sick enough/don't have any big enough problems or need to be treated for anything"
He said "Yeah...that's true...because cutting is such a normal behavior"
I was mad at this point. Made because I can't seem to win.
I said...."You suck. I haven't even done it that much at all. And ya it is normal. Normal for a lot of people who struggle and hate themselves and wanna feel pain and need reminders for how much pain they are in and how much eating sucks"
He said in response....."I just want you to stop lying so you can begin to address the issue."
And then I said something nice like okay I understand.

Ugh idk. I wanna hear your thoughts girls. Rachel thanks for texting me and talking to me about this. <3
I'd love to hear other thoughts. What would you say if your therapist asked you "Are people with eye conditions failures?" "How is it different"

I don't know.
Thoughts??

I feel really weird having/typing up the conversation I had with my therapist. Idk it feels weird.

Did you know I'm 9 months pregnant?

That's how I feel at least. I am so sad and just torn right now.
I try to do things right. I try to just ughh i don't even know anymore.

The invisalign is really really really helping me control my eating. I can't just stuff my face anymore with food. Probably because it's too much effort and hurts like hell to take the things out. I finally got the bottom out this morning. I called the dentisit being like "helppp" lol and i wasn't even hungry when I woke it was more just like I really NEEDED to brush my teeth!!!
I hope I continue to eat a lot less. It should help when working and stuff and in general just not shoving stuff in my mouth whenever I want. Ya know?

I was happy when I weighed myself this morning. :) Yet now I'm upset because I feel so bloated and so stuffed and I wasn't even hungry after workout today. Like I could of just not eating anything after I made myself the chocolate protein shake I usually make. And just stopped there...but not i ate...and im not sure why...but i did....because i really really wasn't that hungry.
I'm exhausted.

For breakfast I had a banana (110) and chobani raspberry greek yogurt (140)
So 250 calories total......

I was hoping to just eat that today but nahh didn't work.

I got hungry around 2pm and ate 40 grapes & 5 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (100) with waldens farm syrup (0 calories) :-)
So that brought my total intake up to like 430 calories.

Then I workedout:
warmed up--ran for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-sport circuit class for 1 hr (i really tried to push myself and do all the activities without stopping before time was up. i pushed myself more in the beginning. i def didn't make it w/o stopping. its hard shit we do!!!!!)

Then I came home and had 1 cup of almond milk (40) with 1 scoop of whey chocolate protein powder (120)
Which brought my intake up to about 590 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had some cooked broccoli with salt....about 50 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had Amy's spinach & feta thingyyy (260 calories)
Which brought my intake to 900 calories.
Which would of been awesome and yayaa and it's not amazing but I can deal with that.
But after I finished the Amy's spinach and feta thing I continued to eat.
And this would be a binge--because binge eating is defined as feeling out of control--and I felt out of control.
I had 3 mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60), about 30 kashi 7 grain crackers (240?) with a tiny tiny bit of hummus on a few of them (35?) and a large low carb tortilla (80 calories)
About 1320 calories (and on the high side 1370 calories if i didn't count the crackers right)
So ughhh i guess thats a decent amount and i should be eating like that and at least its not like 2200 calories right??) But I still feel liek SHIT and still feel just bloated. Like I ate a lot. And I wasn't even hungry. ugh ugh ugh

I want to see my therapist. But I also really really really don't.
I think I don't want to see him because I know I'm facing my fears--I'm facing myself--I'm facing the truth--he's going to beat the thoughts and question every fucking thing I say--he does it in a wonderful way but it is just hard.

I am sad.
I have no friends.
No one texts me no one wants to hang out with me no one cares for me no one gives me hugs no one gives a fuck no one loves me no boy likes me. I'm just too fat.

*Update...I was asleep then woke up with my teeth in so much pain...took off the shit and ate some more shit. ughh..intake much much higher. ugh ugh.
not looking forward to the scale tomorrow