It's been a while....

Wow-It sure has been a while since I last posted!!
I love blogging but I'm also terrified someone I know will find this.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog--like about my life at school, work, food, fitness....and LESS about these destructive thoughts I have. But I think writing about my struggles that I don't share and about how I REALLY feel about my body is helpful.

I have no idea what I weigh. Last weighed myself almost a month ago. That terrifies me.

Sarah-you're comment the other day made my day :-)
So sweet of you. It means so much to me when people think about me--i mean i usually think about a lot of you all too and random people in life but it's just when you feel so hopeless you think otherwise.
Anyway--I think I'm going to try and blog more. It's a wonderful form of therapy.
No joke ate 5000 calories yesterday.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a WHILE.
I'll admit. I purged...twice yesterday but the second time was a struggle for me. I fear getting caught so much when I purge. I really like doing it. That sounds crazy and weird but it just helps me so much. Like I'm getting stuff out of me--everything out of me that sucks in life.
My therapist from back home is getting frustrated with me and feels helpless and is just annoyed at me. I don't blame him!! I mean I text him all the time and am "crying out for help" I mean I guess I am....I am...I am crying to him for help with my issues....but he really wants me to see someone on a daily basis and that can actually talk to me and not just text back and forth.
I really ought to stop texting him.
I guess I text him A LOT when I am lonely and feel crappy. He always knows what to say.
But I feel so bad when I text him!! I feel like such a bother and a pain. He sees so many other people--and I'm sure if I got these many issues lots of people have tons more than me.
He's just super super busy.

I've found myself getting super super depressed lately. It's NO fun!!!! I wish people took me seriously and saw how much pain I was in and that I actually could benefit from anti-depressants! But nope--everyone says I'm fine....so we'll that means I'm fine then...right...?!!!?!

I didn't work out yesterday.
I just finished an exam so that stressed me out.

I haven't TOUCHED the dessert bar at my school yet. The reason--I want to be "healthy" and I am TERRIFIED of the dessert bar. Once I go there once and break my good habit--disaster will strike!!!!

I think I'm going to make apple chips this weekend.....slice up some apples....put some lemon and cinnamon on them and then pop em in the oven! Sounds cool right!??!! lol and healthy! I guess...I mean it's just an apple!

I am trying to run a lot and work out a lot. I hope to run a half marathon in March!! Okay people--lifting weights and lifting heavy weights will seriously get you lean! I can't even tell you--like my stomach is looking amazing--except now its disgustingly bloated but l like four days ago or so my stomach was looking good. And I'm sure in a week or so after some clean eating and exercising my stomach will get back down. My legs look leaner. I could fit into these size 26 new jeans i got that I couldn't earlier this summer. Yet my other size 26 jeans I can fit into this summer. IDK!!! But I hope im not jinxing myself right now.

I have a shit ton of laundry to do today. What is everyone up to today??

How is everyone doing??? Please let me know!! I will try to check out peoples blogs and comment. It's hard. It's hard because I use this to vent and to write about my emotions and relate to people. And I offer words of care to people because I understand....and I get it...and life just sucks when the spiral keeps going down hill but I know I can only really care for myself and not really anyone else.

Any motivational quotes? Sayings? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas of a post to write??
okay well maybe I'll write again later today if not then this weekend or something =)