Sad and Lonely

I hate when I get like this.
I haven't blogged recently.
I don't even know what to blog about anymore.

I won't ever be thin. I won't ever be pretty. I won't ever have control over my food.
I just want to be loved. Want somebody to swoop me up and say "I love you" and mean it. Yet-how will I know they mean it? How will I believe them if they say it and really mean it? How will I know? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll be able to sense it. But maybe I won't.
I want a mature, tall man who cares for me and loves me for me despite all my imperfections. I want somebody to not care about my flaws but just love me for the personality I have-whatever that personality may be.

Here's some photos from blueberry picking.
I added a photo of me at the end.
Me at 140 whopping pounds.
I am huge.
I know Im fat..ya don't need to lie or say otherwise.
I'm going to take the photo down in like 24 hrs but I decided I'd post it.






(pictures have been removed)

therapy therapy therapy.

still pretty pissed off at my mom. but i'm thinking a lot right now and I KNOW THIS IS THE RATIONAL SIDE OF MY BRAIN that even if i am stick thin i won't be happy. so why? why do that to myself if i won't be happy? and no one is going to like me any more, im not going to get any more guys or any more friends. hmmm....idk
Like being thinner would be amazing. But my psychologist asked me this question...if there was a guy at my school that was the EXACT same person as me....just a guy...but dealt with the same issues...would i be attracted to him?? the answer...no...because they have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, shy, loser....all that stuff.

I know that if I'm confident in my own skin and just start to love me for me and accept who I am. I'll be happy. But it's going to take some time. It's taken time for all theses rules and thoughts to be ingrained in my head too. I wasn't always unhappy with me.

my therapist is amazing and helped me think through a lot tonight
also that maybe my mom wasn't calling me a fat pig. and that she was just upset there weren't more brownies because she wanted them. she was planning on eating them. she didn't care that i ate them but she just wish there were more for her.
also-i think tonight im deciding no more posts about what i do to workout and how many calories i eat a day. because to be honest-thats only for me to know. and i don't want to encourage or discourage anyone. i really don't like the idea of pro eating disorder stuff just because if i could go back in time and change anything it would be this. this self hate for myself.
right now im going to really work at getting better. it will take a damn long time and its going to be hard because i won't have my therapist when i leave for school really soon but we'll see what happens.
idk thats all i really have for now.

I read this thing on mindfulness he gave me....
Anyone know what mindfulness is?? Anyone know what a thought is???

Well I'll start by saying a thought is just a neuro firing in the brain. It's just a thought. It's just something you created in your mind.
Mindfulness is living in the moment. It is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.

When you become mindful you realize you are not your thoughts; you become an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Mindfulness involves being with your thoughts as they are, neither grasping at them nor pushing them away.
So if you are sad, happy, guilty etc etc you need to just accept that...

Living in the moment involves a profound paradox: You can't pursue it for its benefits. That's because the expectations of reward launches a future-oriented mindset, which subverts the entire process. Instead you just have to trust that the rewards will come.

We all have pain in our lives, whether it's the ex we still long for, the jackhammer snarling across the street, or the sudden wave of anxiety when we get up to give a speech. If we let them, such irritants can distract us from the enjoyment of life. Paradoxically, the obvious response-focusing on the problem in order to combat and overcome it-often makes it worse.....
The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it-by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When we lose a love, we fight our feelings of heartbreak. As we get older, we work feverishly to recapture our youth. When we're sitting in the dentist's chair waiting for a painful root canal, we wish we were anywhere but there. But in many cases, negative feelings and situations can't be avoided-and resisting them only magnifies the pain.

The solution....acceotance. Letting the emotion be there. THat is, being open to the way things are in each moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience-without judging it, or pushing it away. The present moment can only be as it is. TRying to change it only fustrates and exhausts you. Acceptance relieves you of this needless extra suffering.
Say you just broke up with someone instead of trying to make the sadness go away...tell yourself...."I've just had a breakup. Feelings of loss are normal and natural. It's OK for me to feel this way."

You accept certain things are beyond your control.
The sadness, pain, stress or anger is there whether you like it or not. Better to embrace the feeling as it is. (again in a non-judgmental way!!)

BREATH!!!! (SOMETHING SOOO IMPORTANT. sounds soo silly but guys it sooo helps a ton!!!! if you just relax and breathe and you've probably been told it a million times by other people and feel like it doesnt help--get those thoughts out of your head and it soon will help like i have)
What's happening this instant? Think of yourself as an eternal witness and just observe the moment. What do you see, hear, smell? It doesn't matter how it feels-pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad-you roll with it because it's what's present; your not judging it. And if you notice your mind wandering, bring yourself back. Just say to youself. "Now. Now. Now"

Here;s the most fundamental paradox of all: Mindfulness isn't a goal, because goals are about the future, but you do have to set the intention of paying attention to what's happening at the present moment. As you read the words printed on this page, as your eyes distinguish the black squiggles on white/tan background (lol), as you feel gravity anchoring you to the planet, wake up. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you're aware of that feeling right now, as you're reading this, you're living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It's not a destination. This is it. You're already there.




p.s. sorry i haven't been reading blogs and commenting much
i seriously have gotten so many comments recently!! so many more than i ever ever ever thought i would and thanks for following me and all and yayy. but im just sorry i havent commented much. i work like crazy.
THANK YOU!!!!

tomorrow im going blueberry picking :) yumm and then have work really really really late.

EXERCISE. REALLY PISSED.

EXERCISE.

Something I don't do enough.

I'm really pissed right now. My mom knows I've turned into a huge fat cow with no eating disorder now. I hate it. She thinks I'm all better when really I hate being this fat. I want to cry right now. Scratch that. I am crying right now. I thought I didn't have emotions and couldn't cry when I wanted to but I guess I can.
I am huge.
I see my therapist tonight...great...I'm really looking forward to this.

Thank you all who commented on my therapist post. I was expecting more so if you can I'd love for you to comment.

My mom comes in my room this morning and goes "I see you woke up last night" because I was depressed and went to bed mad early and then did wake up in the middle of the night and I go "Yeah" and in my head am thinking "crap why did she say that...did she notice the fatty did wake up and eat"

I go downstairs. We rearrange all the cars we have in the driveway. She asks to borrow some of my amazing peanut butter since we're all out of Skippys. I have Bettern' Peanut Butter and Teddies. Teddies is soo much better. I don't really like the Bettern' stuff. And shes using the peanut butter I gave her and said it's okay this will do and I do have a brownie left and turns around and gives me a smirk. And I like look at her like omg she is crazy for yelling at me and I feel so helpless and horrible. And she goes unless your father ate some you went crazy. And I said mom I had 3. And she goes oh okay thats not bad. (Ok I really had 4 but I just couldnt say 4. So I said 3) FML FML I'm a HUGE FAT ASS.
I'm going to go to the gym until I burn at least 1000 calories and sit in the sauna for ever.

I wasn't feeling yesterdays workout:
-bike for 25 mins
-treadmill walked for 20 mins
-elliptical for 10 mins
-chin assits/pull up on 50 lbs did 12
-seated leg press
20 on 150 lbs
20 on 170
20 on 190
20 on 210
-torso rotation on 70....did 15 on each side
-chin assits/pull up on 50 did 12


Saturdays workout:
-treadmill for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-I did the personal training workout I did with my personal trainer the other day....it took me like 35 mins to do the whole thing and I timed it and only allowed myself 30 sec rests (later after the first 7 workouts or so the rests got to like 30-45 sec. i was getting tired. it was hard shit) i pushed myseelf
-treadmill walked for 10 mins
-stairs for 10 mins

I AM HUGE.
I HATE MYSELF.
OFF TO THE GYM FOR ETERNITY. WELL AT LEAST UNTIL I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.



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Sorry-it's long.
Oh and guys...how do I change my picture for my icon....like you know how it says "Followers" or whatever...whenever I follow people it has no picture....I can't seem to figure it out...haha...help??

Update....
I think the reason why I just get so mad at my mom about these things is because she knows I struggle with my weight. She does. I mean I'm fucking huge now. I am. Even though my therapist doesn't agree--I honestly believe he is just trying to be nice and he knows how sensitive I am and doesn't want to tell me I'm huge....but then again...we've literally talked about everything and he has told me if hes worried about someones weight and their health he will bring it up and talk to the person about it. ugh fuck. who knows. I think I'm just mad at my mom because shes just ughhh im just pissed.

I seriously should be loosing weight but I'm not because I eat sooo much!!
It's disgusting.
So my workout today....lots of cardio...probably too much cardio but whatever...Idk...all that matters to me is the # and the calories I burn...I'd probably be a lot more toned if I stopped doing cardio and lifted weights but whatever.
I ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes...ran 5.08 miles, stretched, then I walked a little...like 5-10 minutes or so, then I did the stairs for an hour and then walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I probably should of done more. Maybe I wasn't mad enough at my mom. Who knows.
Oh and Charr about this whole exercise thing...I do want to mention....I exercise probably too much...I mean maybe...but honestly I don't think I do...I really really don't....so if I stop exercising like my body is so immune to exercising that I don't even think I'm burning many calories. I don't know its weird. But my body is immune to it so if I stop...it's really bad....we'll if I stop and continuing eating how I do.

Oh and I can't see my psychologist tonight. I'll see him tomorrow though.
Thanks Rach and Charr for your lovely comments <3
It means the world to me <3

But I'm just so pissed at my mom. I haven't eaten yet today. Just sipping on some lovely sprite zero and trying to get my mood up.

Speaking of food....I did take some pictures a few days ago & yesterday of some shit I ate....

Ok-not the greatest photo--whateves.
It's a banana sliced in half with Better'n Peanut butter (which i don't particularly like as i said...but it has a lot less calories!) and on top is a container of chobani raspberry greek yogurt.


Here's my La Tortilla Factory Low Carb Tortilla (80 calories) with lots of teddies peanut butter as you can see and chia seeds and hemp seeds sprinkled on top (Thanks Rachel for talking about those hemp seeds :) they seem interesting but good...I'll have to get used to them)


Here's some food...I ate a lot more after....seriously guy I seriously eat a shit load....anyhow its my teddies peanut butter thingy thats pictured above and a rice cake with a thin layer of teddies peanut butter, whipped cream, and 15 warm blueberries.




******************
UPDATE
OHHH EMMM GEEEEE guys thank you all the comments mean the world to me!!!! i will update more later
today was good. im still pissed from what happened earlier today. all i ate today was a banana and 10 grapes.

ughh--thoughts?? love?? hate??

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I knew I'd be mad.
It's crazy. Like last night at my gym class I maybe maybe maybe thought I was semi slim.....at least I didn't feel totally obese. When I squat my legs sort of look good but ughh today I've gained like 20 lbs from what I saw in me yesterday. I seriously am obese. My problem is this.....I have something called being overweight.

It's a love hate relationship I have with my therapist.
Love because he's the only one who cares and listens to me. I have grown to trust him. He understands me. He allows me to be me and accepts me for me...when I can't even accept me for me.
Hate because he tells me what I hate to hear, what I don't believe, questions everything, makes me think, and ughh just pisses me off sometimes!!!!!!!!!
I texted him this morning telling him I'm a failure because I can't control my eating and I'm out of control.
He responds with...."Let me ask you a question...are people with eye conditions failures?"
And I gave him a shit answer with my emotions...said something like I was born to be a failure and it's just different for me and he said in response he wanted me to answer this question and to not avoid it by throwing emotions at him.
I told him eye sights different and i think stuff just applies to me.
He said "People with eye, ear, heart issues are not failures...they have real problems that they get taken care of. People with eating issues or body image problems are also not failures and need help to treat their issues." He also asked if the cutting is helping.
I responded to all that with "ok. if there not failures then what r they? n ugh why it is so hard to admit. ya i like it. and ya it helps."
He then said......"They are disorders that require treatment...no different than any medical condition."
I said...."Good thing I don't have any real disorders & am not sick enough/don't have any big enough problems or need to be treated for anything"
He said "Yeah...that's true...because cutting is such a normal behavior"
I was mad at this point. Made because I can't seem to win.
I said...."You suck. I haven't even done it that much at all. And ya it is normal. Normal for a lot of people who struggle and hate themselves and wanna feel pain and need reminders for how much pain they are in and how much eating sucks"
He said in response....."I just want you to stop lying so you can begin to address the issue."
And then I said something nice like okay I understand.

Ugh idk. I wanna hear your thoughts girls. Rachel thanks for texting me and talking to me about this. <3
I'd love to hear other thoughts. What would you say if your therapist asked you "Are people with eye conditions failures?" "How is it different"

I don't know.
Thoughts??

I feel really weird having/typing up the conversation I had with my therapist. Idk it feels weird.

Did you know I'm 9 months pregnant?

That's how I feel at least. I am so sad and just torn right now.
I try to do things right. I try to just ughh i don't even know anymore.

The invisalign is really really really helping me control my eating. I can't just stuff my face anymore with food. Probably because it's too much effort and hurts like hell to take the things out. I finally got the bottom out this morning. I called the dentisit being like "helppp" lol and i wasn't even hungry when I woke it was more just like I really NEEDED to brush my teeth!!!
I hope I continue to eat a lot less. It should help when working and stuff and in general just not shoving stuff in my mouth whenever I want. Ya know?

I was happy when I weighed myself this morning. :) Yet now I'm upset because I feel so bloated and so stuffed and I wasn't even hungry after workout today. Like I could of just not eating anything after I made myself the chocolate protein shake I usually make. And just stopped there...but not i ate...and im not sure why...but i did....because i really really wasn't that hungry.
I'm exhausted.

For breakfast I had a banana (110) and chobani raspberry greek yogurt (140)
So 250 calories total......

I was hoping to just eat that today but nahh didn't work.

I got hungry around 2pm and ate 40 grapes & 5 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (100) with waldens farm syrup (0 calories) :-)
So that brought my total intake up to like 430 calories.

Then I workedout:
warmed up--ran for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-sport circuit class for 1 hr (i really tried to push myself and do all the activities without stopping before time was up. i pushed myself more in the beginning. i def didn't make it w/o stopping. its hard shit we do!!!!!)

Then I came home and had 1 cup of almond milk (40) with 1 scoop of whey chocolate protein powder (120)
Which brought my intake up to about 590 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had some cooked broccoli with salt....about 50 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had Amy's spinach & feta thingyyy (260 calories)
Which brought my intake to 900 calories.
Which would of been awesome and yayaa and it's not amazing but I can deal with that.
But after I finished the Amy's spinach and feta thing I continued to eat.
And this would be a binge--because binge eating is defined as feeling out of control--and I felt out of control.
I had 3 mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60), about 30 kashi 7 grain crackers (240?) with a tiny tiny bit of hummus on a few of them (35?) and a large low carb tortilla (80 calories)
About 1320 calories (and on the high side 1370 calories if i didn't count the crackers right)
So ughhh i guess thats a decent amount and i should be eating like that and at least its not like 2200 calories right??) But I still feel liek SHIT and still feel just bloated. Like I ate a lot. And I wasn't even hungry. ugh ugh ugh

I want to see my therapist. But I also really really really don't.
I think I don't want to see him because I know I'm facing my fears--I'm facing myself--I'm facing the truth--he's going to beat the thoughts and question every fucking thing I say--he does it in a wonderful way but it is just hard.

I am sad.
I have no friends.
No one texts me no one wants to hang out with me no one cares for me no one gives me hugs no one gives a fuck no one loves me no boy likes me. I'm just too fat.

*Update...I was asleep then woke up with my teeth in so much pain...took off the shit and ate some more shit. ughh..intake much much higher. ugh ugh.
not looking forward to the scale tomorrow

Beauty. How I wish beauty was in my genes.

“Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.”

“The LORD shall judge the people: judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, and according to mine integrity that is in me.”













Anyone of those girls I would die to be.
I will update later tonight darlings <3
Hope all is well.
Thanks for all who follow me. It means the world.

DAMN INVISALIGN

It's probably a damn good thing.
I just worked out
40 mins on the bike, 40 mins on the crossramp machine (its like an elliptical) and walked for 15 mins. ehhh i really was not feeling the workout today.
I was at the dentist this morning. DAMN MY TEETH KILL and i can't get these damn things off so i can eat. hahaa i guess i won't be eating because i can't get these things off :/ all i want is like a rice cake! or something! something to fill this void :/ ughhh im so torn in life. im so torn with what i want. i have way to many insecurities.
these invisalign aren't as "invisable" as i'd hope :/ i was so embarrassed even talking to my personal trainer today. i like hardly talked to him. im so AWKWARD :/

**update. i got the top one out...couldnt get the bottom one out...ugh oh well...but i did eat with the bottom one in anyways-FUCK ME. no more. i can't eat with them in any more! will be a really really good rule for myself. i ate a rice cake (35) and a banana (110) we'll see where the rest of the day takes meeee

**another update. did really well. didn't eat anything else after that so umm like 145 calories today and water and ya that was it. my teeth hurt. i still havent been able to take these damn things out and its not like i wasn't willing to eat or didnt want to eat--i was very willing to eat i just couldnt take it out and my teeth hurt so i didnt eat anything else. oh well. these things actually might just be almost as good as adderall to keep me from eating :-)
we'll see! :-)

eating to fall asleep....hmmm...hate it!

that was last night. i convinced myself if i ate a little more i'd fall asleep...mmmmm....well after an hour or so of eating instead of ending the night on 600 calories i ended close to 2000. i updated my last post with stuff i ate but its not extremely accurate seeing as i also had arnold 12 grain bread with hummus and turkey. ughhhhh ughhh ughh. i ate a lot. well okay probably close to "normal" or what i should be eating but i don't want to be normal. i want to be better. i want to be amazing. i want to be thin.

part of me wants to be on death bed. wants to starve myself. and i know i could if i wanted to. i really could. but the other part of me is saying just work out a lot and get really lean. ugh idk its like the eating disorder voice vs. a working out voice

So my personal training session went well. I have another one next Tuesday but I'm not sure whether or not to change it to like the end of August right before I go back to school. Thoughts?? I'm like excited to do this new work out the trainer gave me so I'm just torn whether or not to do one next week or to change it to the end of August. hmmm....idk!

So we did a bodyweight workout today.
Do you know what that means???
Well so I did an entire workout just using my body hahaa yupp no machines, no weights, nothing. ok. we did use one medicine ball but at school or something i can just put books under my foot or something. doesnt have to be a medicine ball.
So yup the personal trainer basically was like when you come home for Thanksgiving break I better see you and your going to be in the best shape hahaa and he said i could do these workouts if i don't make it to the gym like just in my room or whatever and at like 10pm haha he's like your roommates might think your crazy but whatever.

We did 2 reps of everything.
-Started off with jump lunges.
-Then did these squats where you'd jump in and out.
-We then did something--i don't know the real name--i call them Dog Kickers hahaaa--your on your hands and knees and then you pick one leg up and shake it out to the side....like a dog peeing hahaaa
-single leg push off ball--bascially one leg was straight into the air the other bent on the medicine ball and i had to lift my body up....harder than it sounds! you really feel this one!
Then we move to some plank things...
-we did reach outs (soo important to keep your body firm and not move your butt side to side!!!)
-ups and downs--in a plank position then push hands up and repeat
-opposite hand opposite leg
-jump in's--these were pretty hard too....you were in a plank position then would jump in and you'd have to make sure you wouldnt let your but fall when you jumped back out and you stayed in a plank position
-push up into side plank
-fall forwards
-inverted body press--hard!

So that was my workout. And I stretched a bunch and walked on the inclined treadmill for 10 minutes.

Not a crazy crazy intense workout. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow :)

I ate shortly after I got home. I better jump in the shower soon :)

I had a chocolate protein shake and some eggs. I haven't counted the calories so I'm literally going to be doing it right now here with y'all.
Anyway.

Protein shake:
-1 scoop of Elite Whey Chocolate Protein (117)
-1 scoop of unsweetened Almond Breeze Milk (40)
-1 tsp psyllium husks (15) (UGH THIS THE FIRST TIME I ADDED IT TO MY SHAKE AND AHH SO HARD TO GET THIS STUFF DOWN!!! ITS AN ACQUIRED TASTE AND I'M STILL TRYING TO GET USED TO IT)
-1 tbsp of milled flax seeds (30)
Total: About 205 calories

Scrambled Egg:
-1 egg (70)
-1/2 cup egg whites (60)
-1 tsp psyllium husks (15)--taste so much better in my eggs :-)
I cooked all that up with some pam olive oil spray on the pan and it was nice and fluffy and then put some spinach on my plate and topped it off with the scrambled eggs and added some salt for flavor.
Total: 165 calories

So far consumed about 370 calories and quiet full from that meal. (I hope thats accurate. hmmm....thoughts??)

Oh and did i mention. I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm hoping it just wasn't accurate but my weight this morning was terribly depressing. Terribly. :(

Hmmm I sort of want to go to the beach with a friend on Friday. hmmmm.....idk I really am huge though. Idk. I wanna and I wanna get tan but I also don't know. I'm not working friday so I have the day off until about 5pm when I go to my gym class :) yayyyyyy :)

So work is a last night tonight and it's wednesday so that means pizza night. But I'm not going to eat any of that gross pizza. I like healthy food better anyway. So I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm going to go shower and get all nice and clean and try and look pretty.

5 days till I see my therapist!!! I'm jumping with joy!! :)

I'd love some sweet comments or sweet text messages sent my way <3
Hope all is well ladies <3
Seriously just thank you everyone who reads :) Makes me feel loved and cared for...even if it's not true I feel like I am.

***
Quick Update:
-I ummm was sooo hungry 2 hrs later...and i gave in to it and ate a banana and 25 green grapes and some diet coke

So now total: about 530 calories?

-15 grapes
-28 almonds (160)
-1 ballpark turkey frank (45)
-amy's spinach and feta (260)
(about 1025 cal total now..)
-5 strawberries & 1 ballpark turkey frank (45)
-small banana
-blueberry ricce cakes (250?)
-green beans (40)
-25 grapes
-2 things of special k cereal w/ almond milk
-more blueberry rice cakes (330) fml fml fml

mmm...healthy binge? hahaa ugh idk im in a pretty good mood at least. idk. blahh blahh
like 2200 calories--urgg! when are you ever going to eat like a skinny girl??? FAT ASSSSSSSS

i need some love <3 i need some care <3 i need some hope <3 i need to be skinny <3 i just want to be beautiful <3 i want to fall into a boys arms and hear "i love you" <3

I hate my family. enough said.

I can never do anything right!!!!! UGHHHHHHHH
I'm really really frustrated. Today at the gym I gave in and decided to get this "great deal" it was 8 personal training sessions for $568. I was really planning on only getting 1 for $95 but I was convinced. I have my first one tomorrow at 9am! ahhh soo early!!

Anyhow--I came home from work and told my family and they were like you are crazy!! ughh!! made me so sad because ya even though its a shit load of money its where i wanted to spend my hard earned money! and then i asked mom for my $365 from an audiologist appt and she FLIPPED OUT and was like no not right now later...and was so mad at me. ugh i can never do anything right!!!! i suck. i suck. i suck.

I'm not even hungry I'm so mad but before this kashi dinner i made i hadn't had many calories..only around 230 calories today so i made a kashi lemongrass chicken dinner (300 calories) and added a tbsp of chia seeds. I'm only eating because I have my personal training session tomorrow morning and I'm not going to wake up early enough to have breakfast and I want to push myself hard.

I'm just frustrated.

My workout today:
-elliptical for 30 mins burned 290 cal
stopped and had to go to bathroom lol :)
-elliptical for 30 mins burned 290 cal
-stairs for 25 mins burned 255 cal (climbed 2.62 miles)

My food today:
-6 slices of oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45) & 23 string beans (about 35cal?)
-2 stalks of celery
-chobani greek yogurt (140)
-kashi coconut lemograss chicken (300) with a tbsp chia seeds (70)
Total: about 600 calories


My Waldens Farms chocolate syrup and pancake syrup came in the mail today! i hope they are good...hahaha

night darlingsss

okay so of course i couldnt sleep and right before 1am i ate....fml fml
i had 4 strawberries, 5 mini protein pumpkin pancakes (100 cal), rice cake (35), carmel rice cakes, special k cereal with almond breeze milk, rice cake (35) with about a tbsp of peanut butter (100?) and like 10 peanuts. fml i now had like 1250-1350 calories idkkk ughhh!!!!

if only i looked like a thin perfect girl & wore a size 0

So I guess I'm doing okay with my food intake. Idk probably not like super super amazing but okay i guess.

Today I worked out--the power was out at the gym!! so luckily i was smart and went on a run outside near the gym and then ran back to the gym and power was back! :-)

My workout (July 19th):
*ran outside for about 37:30 minutes...ran about 3.6 miles
*bike for 60 minutes burned 400 calories and went 9.67 miles
*3x of 6 arm curls on 50
*2x of 10 leg curls on 70
*3x of 20 hip abductor machine on 20
*3x of 10 on seated row machine on 75

What I ate today (July 19th):
*pre-workout: chobani yogurt (140) & a rice cake (35)
*28 blue diamond almonds (160)
*diet coke
*water
*about 10 cut up pieces of celery/3 long pieces & a scribbler ice pop (30)
*16 cherries
*ball park turkey frank (45 calories) & a gala apple (80-100?) & mozzarella cheese stick (80) & 1 shady brook farms turkey meatball (63 calories) & 2 lightly salted rice cakes (70)
About 790 calories today?? (so far at least!!!!)
UGHH!!!!

so of course after i posted this i ate more. but now im done. my last thing i just had was carmel rice cakes and my dad said they were fattening. ugh!

*like 20 carmel rice cakes (180) & 1/2 cup oatmeal (150) with 8 slices of banana (40?) and 35 blueberries (35cal?) and a few dried cranberries (40?) and a little bit of protein powder (20?) & a piece of 12 grain bread (110) with skippys & a banana (110) with skippys & carmel rice cakes (75?)

total now. fml fml. im getting anxious even thinking about how much that must be now!!!!

okay here i go im adding it......fml like 1800 calories.

*and 2 bowls of special k cereal with almond breeze milk. so now more like 2150 cal total....

I'm going to keep track of stuff here......

July 18th--a good day (about 600-700cal?) & no workout
July 19th--a bad day (about 2150 calories) & burned 400 cal + 3.6 mile run + a few weights
July 20th--a good day (600 calories) ummm FAIL more like 1300 calories & burned 830 calories
July 21st--
July 22nd--
July 23rd--
July 24th--
July 25th--
July 26th--

A little more of an update before I go to bed

-I'm getting Invislign on Thursday. Yeah..i know i know...im so old to be getting braces but I am. And I hope this might help my eating b/c im not allowed to eat with them in so i have to take them out everytime i want to eat!!!!!!!!

I am soo scared someone is going to find this blog I know and know it's me so I think I'm going to put my blog on private really soon.

Heres are some photos of the clothes I recently bought:

Ok this dress is upside down. whoops. oh well. i'll change it later i guess. this is the dress i dont fit into

$12 furst premium jeans i bought. size 26. don't quiet fit :(

hard to see but a $8 shirt and $12 era of chaos white boyfriend jeans

$24 black dress

$8 tank

i weigh more than i did before any food issues started

im a balloon. i am a fat pig.
im so depressed.
i did some things depressed people do. it wfelt to good. i felt accepted, needed, whatever it feels like to cry for help, i felt it all.
i wish i could just see my therapist now.
okay one more week. one more week. you can make it. i almost texted him again today. just leave him alone. you can make it one week you damn fat pig.
i'm done with eating. that's it. i'm huge.
i'm so depressed i don't even want to go to the gym.
i am huge. i'm not going to my aunts house again for a while. that house is trouble!!!! soooo much food!!!!! so much good and bad food but i usually lean towards the bad!

I saw this on a blog today and it is perfect.

I want to be "that girl"
I want to be the girl who has every quality a boy could ever want.
I want to be the girl who is not slutty, but simply too beautiful, inside and out, to resist.
I want to be the girl that others look at and think "I want to be just like her."
I want to be the girl with a confidence earned by a perfect body, as well as personality.


**Update on today
So seriously when I woke up today I was still STUFFED from last night...all i ate.
I had a diet coke with lime.
I ate about 4 pumpkin protein pancakes (about 100 calories)
I ate some multigrain blueberry rice cakes over the course of the day. I ate the whole bag (330 cal)

I ate a red delicious apple w/o the skin and sprinkled cinnamon on top and popped it into the microwave
I ate one lightly salted rice cake (35)
Okay so today was a unique day--i actually had a good day....well so far....and i havent had one in a really really really long timeee!!!!
I probably consumed like 560-600 calories??
-i did also have....
10 strawberries
10 baby carrots with hummus

thin is pure. starving is the cure.

depressed. depressed. depressed.

workout today was the following:
(my right ankles hurting me.....anyway....here's the workout....)
treadmill for 15 mins (ran 5 mins on 5.5 mph, 5 mins on 6 mph, 5 mins on 6.5 mph) went 1.5 miles
2x of 12 shoulder presses (each side on 40)
3x of 8 chest presses on 70
elliptical for 30 mins

then I had to go to my aunts house for my 4 and 6 year old cousins birthday party. omg so much food. i ate a ton....A TON...enough to feed Africa.
i eat so much food.
thats me.
but im not going to sulk and be all depressing on how much food i ate. because one its disgusting and i don't want to get more depressed than i am.

i gave in and texted my therapist today. he was so sweet to me and so nice. i feel horrible i bothered him on vacation. he was very helpful and just always knows what to say. ALWAYS. even when i think to myself "okay i got him stumped now. how the hell is he going to respond to this" or whatever he always comes up with something amazing to say.

hes the only one that cares about me.

good night.

shopppingggggg

yes yes thats right i went shopping today.
got amazingggg dealssssss :)
got shirts for $8 originally $58-89 dollars
got 2 pairs of jeans each for $12 originally like $144-160
and got 2 dresses that were really expensive too and were only $24 :) yayyyy
BUT-
the lines for the dressing room were too long and i was going to work after so i didn't trry ANYTHING on.
bottom line. after work and after eating a shit load i tried them on.
the black dress i got that i did NOT think was going to fit...actually fit...its pretty stretchy.
the romper i got i thought would fit. it didnt even get up my thighs :(
the shirts fit.
the jeans did not fit. they are sorta there. it sucks tho. i used to fit into a size 26 or at least i have a pair of seven for all mankind and they are size 26 and it used to fit. i haven't tried them on in a while. but these size 26 didn't fit.
the other white boyfriend jeans i got were size 27 they looked HUGE. again i repeat HUGE but they seemed to fit! which is good they fit. but i figured they would but im mad b/c they looked HUGE and they seemed to be just right. fuck.

i need to loose weight to fit into that romper.

my mom of course wanted to see the clothes i bought. i only showed her two things.
then she was like wheres that dress that you said you got?
and i said here it is but it didn't fit.
she asked me if i was going to give it to my sister then? (my twin sister) and i said no mom im going to loose weight and fit into it.
damn it. damn it.
:( makes me soo mad. ohhh well are you going to give it to your sister then since your a fucking 143 pounds?? and can't fit into any fucking thing? yeah yeah. okay.

thats it. im starving myself. i need it. i need the control bad. i want to kill myself. i want to die a slow skinny death. im never going to get there by eating. so fuck it. im done.
theres no food in the fucking house anyway really. or well im running out of the food that i bought. im running out of MY food.
im seriously done.
im just done with this whole eating thing.
its going to take a few weeks to die down the intakes of shit but i have to. im going to limit my intake from anywhere from 0 or 300 calories - 800 calories max.

i need peoples help/opinion
okay so i work and babysit if you didn't know. i usually start work around 2:30pm. and i wake up really whenever i want sometimes 8 if im going to the gym for a class or else around 10 or 11 or 9 haha it varys....anyway....at work i totally can avoid eating. i've been babysitting for this family FOREVER and i usually never eat or at least they never see me eat. if i eat it's when they aren't there. so i can avoid eating--they dont care if i don't eat and won't force me too. but i usually bring some snacks/healthy shit from home when babysitting.
sometimes i don't
but then when i get home from work around 10pm every night---i should just go to bed. but instead i eat. i come home and eat whatever we have. but my parents don't question me on whether or not i've eaten. my mom doesn't make dinner anymore. so like i can just screw it and go to bed or just not eat when i get home and i should do that. but ughhh idk why. i need help. i need to break the habit of coming home and eating. coming in the door and going striaght for the food.
ideas? thoughts? helppppppp??
i need to loose weight. its July 16th I wan't to loose 20-25 lbs in one month. possible? ehhh idk. most likely NOT.

Still can't believe how much I weigh.

I still can't believe how much I weigh.
Oh myyy goodness.

I know restricting and not eating many calories isn't good. But I need to loose a bit of weight first. And then i'll eat more. Yet I really need to take ONE day at a time....or else I just am a MESSSSS. And I don't even think I can restrict that much. I'm not that strong.

I'm still sorta sad.
I don't know if I can go to my gym class tomorrow at 5:30 because I think I'm working so I'm sorta sad. I love my 5:30 gym class with that personal trainer who pushes me hard!!! loveee it! and love all the people in the class! it's basically the same people every week :)

What I ate today:
-a red delicious apple with sprinkled cinnamon (popped it into the microwave!)
-diet coke with lime
-a little less than 1/2 cup blueberries (35-40cal?)
-an orange (70?)
-28 almonds (160)
-small baggy of chex mix (like 3/4 cup?? idk like 120-150cal??) (WAS MAD I ATE THIS!! it was the kid's food too that i babysit for arrrggggg!!!!)
-chobani raspberry greek yogurt (140)
-3 protein pumpkin pancakes
-15 baby carrots with a small amt of hummus

(about 830-870 calories??)
What do ya think? do ya think thats accurate??

This was the chex mix I ate:
took it on my phone so again....not great quality :(
I tried to spread it out....



Here's the apple I ate too....my dunkin donuts coffee on the side...



UPDATEEEEEEE
I suck.
did i mention......i suck?? and that im really fat??? yeah im a fucking cow.
Yeah....so after I posted this at 11pm i GAVE IN!!! UGHHHHH
-luna bar nuts and cranberry (170)
-kettlecorn (100) with 2 tiny bits of teddies peanut butter
-english muffin (120) with a tiny bit of teddies peanut butter (finished the jar. wasn't much there. fuck me)
-luna bar nuts and cranberry (170)
-chobani yogurt (140)
about 1580-1720???
fuck!!!

"You need to loose weight" me=depressed

I did get a small workout in before my dr's appt.
I was a little late but I went for like 45 minutes of the sport circuit class...we did a bunch of shit....i don't remember it all but like 50 burt bees, 50 push ups, 50 dips, 50 side to side with a 15 lb kettleball swing on each side and idk some arm curls and other shit.
Then i hopped onto the crossramp for about 30 minutes or so....
Can someone please just tell me I'm fat. I want someone to tell me it on their own terms not because I'm begging to hear it.
I weighed in an awful number. HUGE.
I don't want o put it out there. But know it's big and my bmi is really close to being overweight. My blood pressure was good 111/79 and my pulse wasn't bad.
But omg seriously. I ALMOST gave in and texted my therapist telling him my stats and my bmi and telling him that I'm just FAT and other people see it.
When I stepped on the scale today I said "holy cow" and then a little while later the nurse said "what?" and i said "its a huge number"
Thanks to Stick Thin's blog spot I'm going to start today. Today's going to mark the change. I got my physical exam. I'm at my highest weight EVER. even before this whole food issues started a few years ago and I need to loose the pounds.
Dr. Oz had a pretty good show on today about weight loss.
Okay I'm sorry I'm just so depressed right now--sorry I'm not going to read any blogs at the moment or anything--it's just going to make me feel horrible to see how little people are eating and then oh the big elephant me. So I think I'm going to take a break. At least for a few hours. We'll see--thank you all who read this pointless shit of mine and I love reading yours and i love getting comments! Love it!! So thanks guys. It's really sweet <3

Wednesday = Pizza Day!

Yup every wednesday at babysitting it's pizza night! i usually order pizza :) yuummm it looks sooo good always. usually i resist. there have been two occasions where i've given in to the wonderful delicious messs. tonight i didn't tho. i probably should have. i was doing sooo well today. ate about 1000 calories. went to the movies with 2 boyssssss. went to such a boyyy movie. we saw predators. anyone seen it or heard of it? it was SOO last minute and spontaneous but whatever :) i brought 100cal kettlecorn popped and diet soda.

im loving writing right now. it's distracting me from bingeing more than i already have

I'm DREADDDINGGGGGGGGGG going to the doctors tomorrow to get my shit in so i can go to school. DREADINGGG it. im just sooo ready and going to force it out of my doctor and those bitch nurses in there to just tell me how fat i am and just be like see ya i do need to loose weight don't i?? yeah yeah. i really hope they tell me that. b/c i need some REAL person to tell me that other than my fucked up psychologist who says im not fat. yet okay im not fat fat fat but i could loose weight. im not skinny!!!!! i don't even want to see my psychologist anymore. my appts in about a week and a half. maybe i'll cancel. im too fat anyway!! im too fat to be seeing a therapist!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and my workout today. fail. i ran for a little over 30 minutes and had to stop because my nose started bleeding!!! FML!!!
i get nose bleeds all the time. whenever the air is dry i get them.
so i ran the first 1.5 miles on 6.7 mph then still running but ran the next 1.5 miles on 6.5 mph (so did a total of 3 miles in 27:17mins...i know know SLOW...and then continued running till my nose started bleeding on 5.5 mph)

Here's what I ate before work....an egg with spinach and then some green beans and almonds....total: about 280 calories



My huge tummy still wasn't satisfied so I ate some oscar mayer turkey (45 calories)




Food from the other day.......spinach and egg whites....a peach......turkey sandwich on low carb tortilla with spinach and 12 cucumbers





Later I had some almonds, 7 grapes, 4 mini pumpkin protein pancakes, 1/2 cup blueberries, a banana, chocolate chip clif bar, an orange and kettlecorn.

but then....after the movies....i should of gone to bed...instead ate 3 luna bars, bread and peanut butter, some chips, carrots and peanut butter....NEED I GO ON....??? I THINK NOTTTT!!!!!!! I'm soo embarrassed and ashamed!

Anyway-today was bad. I'm wondering if I should get up for an early gym class tomorrow.
I hate feeling like I need food.
I hate bingeing.....hiding food...not being skinny....getting judged....I HATE MY BODY....I HATE HIDING MY FLAWS...I HATE THE FACT THAT I WEAR HEARING AIDS....i hate being a horrible friend...being HUGEEEE....i just want to be loved, liked, cared for, accepted, and i hate everything revolving around foodddddddd

I hate my unsmooth legs. I hate cellulite. I hate dimples. I hate stretch-marks. I hate it all. Theres not one good thing on my body. Everything....EVERYTHING....needs to improve. Should I say again how much i hate my unsmooth legs.

I love music. I love driving. I'm in love with the song Love The Way You Lie
Idk what else I wanted to say.
I'm EXHAUSTEDDDDDD


<3 thanks for reading. if anyone even reads any of this shit shit shit i write <3

Work = Amazing

I love my job. I love it.
I love watching kids. They make me sooo happy and today was soooo nice I just chilled at this club in town and tanned and read a book and got paid. Literally...didn't watch the kids hahaaha and then it rained so when I was supposed to watch them in the pool I didn't have to because they weren't allowed in.
So I got a SHIT load of money today :)

On the other hand I didn't eat so well.
I'm seriously FREAKINGGGG OUT about having to go to the doctors thursday and just waiting for "OMG YOU ARE SO FAT YOU NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT"

I'm gonna break the scale I'm so fat.

So I took pictures on my cell today of the food I ate. Heres some photos from today of course I ate a shit load more. felt really out of control :( no fun and no good. also felt like my mom was judging me a ton. she saw mostly all that i ate. i hate that feeling. i wish i'd think and tell myself to stop eating--like i should when she judges me. shes telling me how fat im getting. and i just dont need her to tell me. i already know it.

This was my lovely salad at the club.
It had grilled chicken, sliced apples, broccoli, cucumbers, and egg with italian dressing. the dressing didn't seem heavy which was good.



Salad again



And a few hours later i had some pretzels (120 cal) and hummus. This whole thing of hummus was 250 calories but i only used the amount pictured for the amount of pretzels I had.



Spinach, egg and egg whites, cheese and flaxseeds
YUM! which i had a bigger portion. maybe then I wouldn't have eaten all the crackers, bread, peanut butter and CRAPPP


im huge.
i want to look good in a bikini
i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
but i have one problem--i love eating. which makes me really want to go back to purging. because i just can't see myself not eating. i can't. as much as i restrict and don't eat. i can't see myself not eating and loving food as much as i do. i can't see myself restricting for a LONG time :( ughhh IDK IDK IDK
i worked out a little today too i wasn't that motivated
i did:
40 minutes on the bike (that only burned 250 calories)
20 minutes on the stairs (that only burned 170 calories)
and walked on the treadmill on an incline for 10 minutes.

ugh im gonna need an intense workout tomorrow. idk if i'll get one in. depends when i wake up.
i have a speech appt tomorrow a little after noon so we'll see.
<3
i wish i was thin
<3

4:45am

I wish I could sleep.
OMG I should have taken nyquil right after work. FUCK MY LIFE.
I have this extremely sharp pain in my throat. It occurred the other night too. I'm in soo much pain and can't sleep I'm about to cry.
I'm sucking on some ice. OMG I'm in so much pain.

I suck.

I'm a failure.
I'm never going to be skinny.
I miss my therapist.
I think I have something called eat everything in site get fat syndrome.
FML FML FML

Thoughts race through my head 24/7

It's amazing just how powerful thoughts are. Thoughts are merely just a idea you made up or created in your mind. It isn't necessarily true. Yet thoughts are so powerful because often we believe that our thoughts are the truth. Why? Why do we believe that just a mere second of something we think is the truth? Why don't we back it up with facts?

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with my psychologist that went like this....
I made some comment about how huge I was and my mom and blah blah idk and my psychologist said...

"Let's say ur right and ur huge...so what...what does that mean?

"it means a shit load of stuff. im ugly, that no boy will ever want me, dumb, not athletic, failure, people that i could maybe be friends with wouldnt want to get to know me b/c im huge and they'd judge me before they get to know me, i can't go to the beach, people make fun of me, it means the only thing i can fit into is sweatpants and if i was actually in control i'd be thin."

"That's all in ur head"

"It's all in my head. but the truths in my head.

"I disagree."

Anyway--we talked about this later and I was like okay well then where do your thoughts come from? your thoughts are in your head? they come from you?? And boy did he shut me down. hahaa. he was like I look up a lot of facts and research and do a lot of fact checking. He said something along those lines and i was like blahh okay okay okay. I get it.

Idk what made me want to write about that but I did.

Anyway.
I was late going to the gym today.
So I only go to do the sport circuit class for 35 minutes or so and we like stretched and did abs or whatever for the last 5 minutes but DAMN!!!! Okay so this woman is a BEAST!!! She's so fit. She has so much muscle. Like when she lunges you see all her muscle but when she's standing up straight she looks so thin and so toned and just amazing!!!!
And okay so she only teaches the classes on Monday's but I just found out she's not going to teach the class anymore. I'm not sure why!?!??!!! I am sort of upset. I think she might be dealing with something or idk because some of the people were talking to her about medicine and stuff after the class but I know she gets frustrated with people not being able to do the workouts and she told me in the locker room one time like Thank you for pushing yourself and doing the workout because I'm not slowing down for people. It's an intense class and if they can't handle it they shouldn't be there. She was sweet.

Seriously I'd be in such good shape if I did that class more often with HER. I mean we barly stopped for WATER. I got in a few sips here and there but after like 10 mins even 20 mins I was sweating profusely!!!!!!!

I had a REALLYYY quick workout today! :(
Oh well.

I got my massage :)
I feel so good right now!!!
He definitely said my muscles were really tight and could tell from something in my back that I run, he said my legs were really tight and i need to STRETCH A LOT MORE!!! (something i don't do too often!!!) and he said my shoulder/neck is tight from lifting weights which is good because you'd rather have it from that then poor posture. So I should tell my mom that then :) Yayy posture :) hahaa and he said I need to drink LOTS of water after a massage like that...because toxins are trying to get out of my body and if I don't I'll be really sore tomorrow apparently,

So....I tried to relax during the massage. It was an hour long massage. It was different than massages in the past where I was always covered by a sheet. When he massaged my back it was my bear back. I mean it was fine he just saw my back nothing else and maybe it was easier to see the muscles and stuff and I don't know but that for sure made me more self conscious. I tried to just keep telling myself "It's okay. He does this for a living. I'm sure he has seen bigger people than me." then a voice came in and said "No he hasn't. He sees people that are fit and muscular and he's just tossing around your fat. People that are young like you are much skinnier than you" so my mind did mess with me at times. I also got self-conscious a bunch when he massaged my legs--"I was like crap when was the last time I shaved" and then when he massaged my arms I thought "crap i don't remember the last time I shaved my arm pits I hope there not hairy" hahaa I checked them after...they weren't horrible but i probably should have shaved before I went. Oh well.

Whatever. I mean for the post part I was pretty relaxed. It was really relaxing. I tried to not let my thoughts get to me. I really tried to battle most of them and to be honest I feel like I was pretty relaxed, calm and enjoying the slow music in the background.
I hope I marry some NICE but wealthy man who will either come and get massages with me every week or treat me to massages :) hahahaaa

So all I've consumed today is water. I'm just chugging down the water. I really want this plan to work and keep my calorie intake low. Jump this whole weight loss process and then go SLOWLY back into eating more.
We'll see how long it lasts.....my guess...being me....it won't last long but I can only be hopeful.



Ok I'm leaving for work soon.
Just cooked myself 1/4 cup egg whites (30 cal) and tossed in like 1/3 cup spinach (like 5 calories?)
And added some salt to it for flavor :) Whoops!! :)
I took a picture of it. But my damn camera's not working.

I LOVE MY THUNDER THIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really??? you love your thunder thighs??? well....thats certaintly not me. i certainly don't like my thunder thighs. i had to put something catchy though. something shocking. something totally not true as a title.

I think I'm obsessed with shopping. With food shopping that is.
I bought 2 pints of bluberries, a 6oz container of raspberries, a bag of spinach, 1 bag of food should taste good sweet potato chips (b/c well it was on sale AND i had a $1.50 coupon off. silly me!!! i should not have) and the coupon entitled you to buy two which i didn't realize until i was checking out so of course i had to get 1 bag of food should taste good multigrain chips, OJ was really cheap so i bought a thing of that and lean cuisines were on sale so i got 3 lean cuisines.
And then yesterday I bought 2 containers of oscar mayer turkey and 2 containers of blue diamond almonds, bananas, 3 peaches and 2 kashi frozen dinners.
I think I'm addicted to food and buying food.

My workout today:
1 hour of pilates
20 minutes on the elliptical
and walked the dogs for like 40 mins
and played soccer with 2 young boys for 30 mins (i was sweating a lot!!)

I've eaten A LOT tho. I sort of wasn't feeling the workout. I guess I was sort of tired and not in the mood to work out.
I am going to work later. I hope it's fun.
Ohh and I forgot to say--so I've been pretty sore, stiff and stressed so I'm getting a massage tomorrow. I'm really going to try and NOT think about the person giving me a massage how much fat and how fat I am and just try to relax. It's going to be hard but I want to because I just wanna relax.

And I want my nose pierced so I'm thinking once I reach 125 again I'll get it pierced :)

And most importantly--I've been trying to work out (well I do every day so it's nothing different) but eat well and space it out as much as I can although I have not been doing a good job with that today and this morning when I weighed myself I've gained like 2.5 lbs and thats A LOT! considering how huge I am already. FML FML FML :(


*******************

Here are some photos.

So after I ate some Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato chips on the car ride home from the grocery store and gym I came home and OIAJ!!! I've never heard of it till being addicted to reading healthy blogs and all and it looked cool so I tried it!!!

Almost empty jar of peanut butter!!!! (so put some oats in it!!!!)


Had a little accident in the microwave!!! DAMN IT!!! LOL



All better!! And yummyy!!!




2 slices of Jilian Bakery 1 net carb bread with teddies peanut butter (I OPENED A NEW JAR! DAMN ME!!! I COULDNT RESIST!!! FAILUREEE!!!! and a banana)



Had tons of crap today.
Feel like shit.
Going to bed.
Gym and massage in the morning tomorrow then work later in the afternoon.

For the rest of this month I'm sorry--I have to loose weight---I'll eventually try the healthy way but it just doesnt work for me. Doesn't work for my body. I can't handle it. And since I am not puking anymore well then I need to do something about it...either start puking again which I don't want to do because I'd always get super anxious about when I could and shit and hiding food and it was just no good. So I am just gonna stop eating and really start restricting. 400 calories a day for the rest of this month. And thats all. No more than that.

I'll need all the support and luck I can get. I'm going to rely on this blog for keeping me in check.

Healthy? Binge? Purge? Restrict? Exercise?

Ugh idk.
I drove to the airport this morning. My grandmas not doing well. But omg soo many people were out biking! They all looked so fit! I was like omg is this like a normal routine for all these people! I bet it was. They looked so good!

I ate a shit load. Ugh. So mad. Like 2500 calories. (actually...probably more...more like 2700 or so...) I hate myself. THAT IS SOOO EMBARRASSING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!And I could throw up if I wanted to. I could. No one is home and no one is coming here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. Part of me wants to especially because I want to go work out and I can't work out with all this food in me!!! But I don't think I'm going to. Idk why. My throat is just killing me and I know it will hurt 100x more if I puke. Idk whats wrong with my throat it hurts a ton.

Yeah--so yesterday I didn't stop at 1300 calories. I went to "bed" but didn't fall asleep/couldn't fall asleep and my throat killed. I got up and had 2 chobani yogurts, a pear, low carb tortilla with teddies. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHH!!!!!!!

Anyway- I think I'm gonna go lay down and then work out. I'm sad.

16 days till I see my therapist. Could it get here any slower??? :(
I feel so alone.
If anyone wants a texting buddy I'd be more than willing to text. Seeing as I have no friends and no one texts me. I need to not give into cravings so easily. I emotionally eat like it's my job :(

***********************
Hey-it's me again. I didn't throw up.
To be honest I have NOOOO idea how I stopped. No idea. Like seriously no idea. Maybe it was the fear of getting caught thats stopped me. I fear that sooooo soooo much. I have no idea how I used to do it sooo often and not get caught.
I sulked in my bed for some time.
And wanted to stay there all night but I told my fat ass self to get up and go work out so I did.

My workout should of included weights but it didnt....
-elliptical for 45 minutes burned 385 calories
-bike for 30 minutes burned 170 calories
-walked on this inclined treadmill for 15 mins on 19 incline on 2.7 mph burned 160 calories
total burned: 715 calories?

That was my first time walking on the 30 degree inclined treadmill they have at my gym. It was quiet cool and fun!!!! I'm glad I tried it lol

Idk what tonight has in store for me. I'm really not that hungry. I know you should eat after you work out to restore muscles blah blah blahh but I'm not right now. I'm not even hungry thanks to all I ate earlier!!!!
I think in my mind I still fear from the times I was really bad and didn't eat my mind still fears that I'm going to go back to that so I eat a lot now all the time. Hmmmm idk just a thought.


Another update:
SO I think friends are coming over??? idk.
I just baked these yummyy thingsss



And for dinner I ate 6 whole grain perdue nuggets (240 cal) with honey and 7 pieces of broccoli and 12 slices of cucumbers

I hate being this fat
I HATE NOT LOOSING WEIGHT!!!!!!!

I just don't know anymore.

"But when you start to look at what you really want from life, these extra mouthfuls of food are not going to meet your needs, nor will they bring you satisfaction for the rest of your life."

I was reading http://www.thinspiredblog.com/ and came across this and thought this was SOOOO true.....

"As a figure-conscious adult woman, I constantly find myself contorting my body: sucking in my stomach; tilting my hips; lifting my chin; the list goes on. The goal being to minimize the amount of space I take up at all times.

Do adult men do this? No. They sit with their legs open, slouched on a couch, taking up enough space for two people. Children are the same. They sit comfortably or run free, and the only time they worry about their size is when they wonder if they’re tall enough to ride the roller coaster."

There is a little baby photo and her butts sticking high into the air. And the baby "has no idea that sitting like that becomes of the question when you’re worried about the size of your ass. She has no clue that the rest of her adult life will be spent sitting with her legs crossed, her arms tucked in, and her neck up…trying to be as small as possible.
At what point do our inhibitions take over and we stop sitting comfortably, start sucking it in, and stop sticking out our butts?!"

I just thought this was sooo true. Like seriously looking at old photos or just thinking back being sooo comfortable in my skin. Oh how I wish I was still like that. But seriously baby's they are adorable even when they stick their butt into the air!! And seriously though women care so much more about the space they take up then men. Lara is sooo right!!

On to my day---

So I woke up. Weighed myself. Depressed. Typical. Yet I'm really going to try and eat and exercise and not get into any messy cycle. It just is not working right now anyway so I'm just going to test this and see if exercising a lot and eating like 1500-2000 calories will make me loose weight.

Who knows whats going to happen.

I woke up and decided instead of eggs I'll have some oatmeal and pumpkin. I went online after I woke up and was looking at all this yummy food of oatmeal and pumpkin.



All stirred up!!



1/2 cup of oats (150) with 1 cup of water, a little less than 1/4 cup Libbys Pumpkin Pie (45 ish) and 1/4 cup trader joes dried cranberries (about 90-100) and 2 tbsp flax seeds (60 cal)
Total calorie intake for breakfast: about 350 calories

Then of course I just stayed on the computer for a bit. Ummm...and tried to take food off my mind. It worked a little. It didn't come to my lips. I decided to make some Pumpkin Protein Pancakes. Yummm...
It did take a second for them to turn out just right so the two bad ones I ate. Whoops!!

Heres the mix:



Ingredients (I sort of just put it in and see how it looks and kept adding as I went. but heres all i ended up putting in):
1/2 cup egg whites (60 cal)
1.5 scoops of whey chocolate protein powder (180 cal)
2/3 cup Libbys Pumpkin Mix (180 cal)
Cinnamon
Cream of Tartar
Each mini pancake--about 25 calories (maybe 30? but im going for 25 cal)

And the wonderful results!!!



It made 17! (and then the two mess ups I ate make 19! hahaa)

I put them in the fridge. I'll eat them later.

So around 12:30 I ate 2 mini protein pumpkin pancakes like I already said before so that was about 60 calories, water, low carb tortilla (50) with oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45 cal)

So now I had about 505 calories...

Then not to long after...at 1:15pm I drank some more water and had 2 more mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60 cal) and a pear (about 100?)



So like now I've had about 670 calories I guess....

Then I went to work and then the gym!!!!!!

Workout went like this.....
-bike for 15 minutes burned 120 cal
-1 hour sport circuit class (pretty intense. i guess. i tried hard idk)
-treadmill walked for 30 minutes on 10 incline on 3.3 mph burned 260 cal
So.....hmmm....like 380 calories burned + 1 hr of sport circuit class......sooo im assuming I burned like 750 calories at the gym??? hmm...idk.

The personal trainer running the class came up to me and told me "your going so fucking slow today" or something very similar to that. I don't know how well I took that comment. He's a sweetheart. He really is. But maybe I was taking it too easy. I think I was. So the last round I really pushed myself. I pushed pretty hard. IDK.

Then I came home shortly after that and ate!
I wasn't hungry at first but then as I was making food I started to get hungry! I drank lots of water at the gym and continued to!
So around 8:20 I had some dinner!
Of course had to add some peanut butter to it!!



This was my dinner



So I had some broccoli, and 4 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (120 cal) with 2 tbsp of teddies peanut butter (190 cal) and put some pam on the pan and cooked up some perdue grilled chicken--had the whole thing--so that was 315 calories

So as of right now I guess I ate like 1300 calories?? WOW. I feel like I ate a lot more. hahahaa. hmmm....debating between eating more or just calling it a night! But if I ate that and exercised as much as I did.....thats like a total intake of 550 calories? idk. thats probably not accurate.

<3

*Update hahaa I was just thinking--I should probably go shower. I didn't shower at the gym today and then ate right when I got home..smelly smelly me!! Okay ya I'm gonna go relax and shower and try to get my mind off food and look forward to a yummy day tomorrow. Tomorrows my weigh in day so I'm sort of freaking out.
I'm not even hungry anyway. Plus I feel really bloated, ugly and fat. Ok I know fats not a feeling--let me fix that....I feel really disappointed and alone. I just don't feel good. Maybe tomorrow after I sleep off this "food belly" i'll feel better...?

And omg I forgot to say--BLAHHHH I called my doctors today. Because I really need to get a physical for school. This SUCKS. Sucks sooo much. I really don't want him to weigh me. I wanna hear your thoughts--should I send him an e-mail and express my concern?? (he does know i've dealt with depression--hes a really really nice doctor i just am so torn) should i suck it up and just deal with it and suffer the fact that i made myself this huge and just deal with it??? should i text my psychologist and see if he has some advice/could call my doctor??? (even though i really really want to be good and don't want to text him!!! i want him to enjoy his vacation. it is soo damn hard not texting him!!!) or should i just not go to this new school because i need a physical exam???????

so torn.