therapy therapy therapy.

still pretty pissed off at my mom. but i'm thinking a lot right now and I KNOW THIS IS THE RATIONAL SIDE OF MY BRAIN that even if i am stick thin i won't be happy. so why? why do that to myself if i won't be happy? and no one is going to like me any more, im not going to get any more guys or any more friends. hmmm....idk
Like being thinner would be amazing. But my psychologist asked me this question...if there was a guy at my school that was the EXACT same person as me....just a guy...but dealt with the same issues...would i be attracted to him?? the answer...no...because they have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, shy, loser....all that stuff.

I know that if I'm confident in my own skin and just start to love me for me and accept who I am. I'll be happy. But it's going to take some time. It's taken time for all theses rules and thoughts to be ingrained in my head too. I wasn't always unhappy with me.

my therapist is amazing and helped me think through a lot tonight
also that maybe my mom wasn't calling me a fat pig. and that she was just upset there weren't more brownies because she wanted them. she was planning on eating them. she didn't care that i ate them but she just wish there were more for her.
also-i think tonight im deciding no more posts about what i do to workout and how many calories i eat a day. because to be honest-thats only for me to know. and i don't want to encourage or discourage anyone. i really don't like the idea of pro eating disorder stuff just because if i could go back in time and change anything it would be this. this self hate for myself.
right now im going to really work at getting better. it will take a damn long time and its going to be hard because i won't have my therapist when i leave for school really soon but we'll see what happens.
idk thats all i really have for now.

I read this thing on mindfulness he gave me....
Anyone know what mindfulness is?? Anyone know what a thought is???

Well I'll start by saying a thought is just a neuro firing in the brain. It's just a thought. It's just something you created in your mind.
Mindfulness is living in the moment. It is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present.

When you become mindful you realize you are not your thoughts; you become an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Mindfulness involves being with your thoughts as they are, neither grasping at them nor pushing them away.
So if you are sad, happy, guilty etc etc you need to just accept that...

Living in the moment involves a profound paradox: You can't pursue it for its benefits. That's because the expectations of reward launches a future-oriented mindset, which subverts the entire process. Instead you just have to trust that the rewards will come.

We all have pain in our lives, whether it's the ex we still long for, the jackhammer snarling across the street, or the sudden wave of anxiety when we get up to give a speech. If we let them, such irritants can distract us from the enjoyment of life. Paradoxically, the obvious response-focusing on the problem in order to combat and overcome it-often makes it worse.....
The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it-by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When we lose a love, we fight our feelings of heartbreak. As we get older, we work feverishly to recapture our youth. When we're sitting in the dentist's chair waiting for a painful root canal, we wish we were anywhere but there. But in many cases, negative feelings and situations can't be avoided-and resisting them only magnifies the pain.

The solution....acceotance. Letting the emotion be there. THat is, being open to the way things are in each moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience-without judging it, or pushing it away. The present moment can only be as it is. TRying to change it only fustrates and exhausts you. Acceptance relieves you of this needless extra suffering.
Say you just broke up with someone instead of trying to make the sadness go away...tell yourself...."I've just had a breakup. Feelings of loss are normal and natural. It's OK for me to feel this way."

You accept certain things are beyond your control.
The sadness, pain, stress or anger is there whether you like it or not. Better to embrace the feeling as it is. (again in a non-judgmental way!!)

BREATH!!!! (SOMETHING SOOO IMPORTANT. sounds soo silly but guys it sooo helps a ton!!!! if you just relax and breathe and you've probably been told it a million times by other people and feel like it doesnt help--get those thoughts out of your head and it soon will help like i have)
What's happening this instant? Think of yourself as an eternal witness and just observe the moment. What do you see, hear, smell? It doesn't matter how it feels-pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad-you roll with it because it's what's present; your not judging it. And if you notice your mind wandering, bring yourself back. Just say to youself. "Now. Now. Now"

Here;s the most fundamental paradox of all: Mindfulness isn't a goal, because goals are about the future, but you do have to set the intention of paying attention to what's happening at the present moment. As you read the words printed on this page, as your eyes distinguish the black squiggles on white/tan background (lol), as you feel gravity anchoring you to the planet, wake up. Become aware of being alive. And breathe. As you draw your next breath, focus on the rise of your abdomen on the in-breath, the stream of heat through your nostrils on the out-breath. If you're aware of that feeling right now, as you're reading this, you're living in the moment. Nothing happens next. It's not a destination. This is it. You're already there.




p.s. sorry i haven't been reading blogs and commenting much
i seriously have gotten so many comments recently!! so many more than i ever ever ever thought i would and thanks for following me and all and yayy. but im just sorry i havent commented much. i work like crazy.
THANK YOU!!!!

tomorrow im going blueberry picking :) yumm and then have work really really really late.