I didn't weigh myself this morning. I knew I'd be mad.
It's crazy. Like last night at my gym class I maybe maybe maybe thought I was semi slim.....at least I didn't feel totally obese. When I squat my legs sort of look good but ughh today I've gained like 20 lbs from what I saw in me yesterday. I seriously am obese. My problem is this.....I have something called being overweight.
It's a love hate relationship I have with my therapist.
Love because he's the only one who cares and listens to me. I have grown to trust him. He understands me. He allows me to be me and accepts me for me...when I can't even accept me for me.
Hate because he tells me what I hate to hear, what I don't believe, questions everything, makes me think, and ughh just pisses me off sometimes!!!!!!!!!
I texted him this morning telling him I'm a failure because I can't control my eating and I'm out of control.
He responds with...."Let me ask you a question...are people with eye conditions failures?"
And I gave him a shit answer with my emotions...said something like I was born to be a failure and it's just different for me and he said in response he wanted me to answer this question and to not avoid it by throwing emotions at him.
I told him eye sights different and i think stuff just applies to me.
He said "People with eye, ear, heart issues are not failures...they have real problems that they get taken care of. People with eating issues or body image problems are also not failures and need help to treat their issues." He also asked if the cutting is helping.
I responded to all that with "ok. if there not failures then what r they? n ugh why it is so hard to admit. ya i like it. and ya it helps."
He then said......"They are disorders that require treatment...no different than any medical condition."
I said...."Good thing I don't have any real disorders & am not sick enough/don't have any big enough problems or need to be treated for anything"
He said "Yeah...that's true...because cutting is such a normal behavior"
I was mad at this point. Made because I can't seem to win.
I said...."You suck. I haven't even done it that much at all. And ya it is normal. Normal for a lot of people who struggle and hate themselves and wanna feel pain and need reminders for how much pain they are in and how much eating sucks"
He said in response....."I just want you to stop lying so you can begin to address the issue."
And then I said something nice like okay I understand.
Ugh idk. I wanna hear your thoughts girls. Rachel thanks for texting me and talking to me about this. <3
I'd love to hear other thoughts. What would you say if your therapist asked you "Are people with eye conditions failures?" "How is it different"
I don't know.
Thoughts??
I feel really weird having/typing up the conversation I had with my therapist. Idk it feels weird.
Don't feel weird, we aren't judging you <3
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I wouldn't say they're failures, but at the same time I don't like his analogy much because I think the two things are very different, I don't know. I hope you feel better [:
xoxo
Hey,
ReplyDeletethanks for commenting on my blog! <3
First of all, I'm not tall, I'm 5ft6, so my BMI right now is 19.0, not what I'd call skinny!
Anyway, I'm vegetarian (no meat nor fish). I try to stay away from carbs, and the only real meal I allow myself is lunch. If I can't avoid eating, at night I'll have fruits or soup. All in all, I try to stay within 700kcals during the week, and I allow myself more over the weekend.
I train at least 3 times between Monday and Friday, possibly 4, early in the morning, burning at least 400kcals each time. Then on Saturday and Sunday I do A LOT of sports (i.e. I often burn over 2000kcals a day).
As for your therapist, my answer is:
"I don't hate myself for having EDNOS. I hate myself for being fat!"
lol, probably not what he'd like to hear!
Xoxo
Hey girlie:
ReplyDeleteReading your blog now, i understand the full content of the conversation, which i didnt quite get over text this weekend.
i think i would have agree that you are not a failure. The way you think about yourself isn't a result of failing to do or be anything. Its a result of what WE believe to be true about ourselves. Just becuase we think its true, doesn't mean that it is. I mean there are other obvious reasons, those things get triggered in us through expierences: but it all come down to our own thoughts.
I am glad that you are seeing him. I think he will really be able to help you but only if you want it and only if you let him. I guess it all depends on what you want right? But whatever it is that you want you are special, beautiful and valued regaurdless of how you feel. We are here for you, and so in your therapist.
I am sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear from me: but like i said before i think your therapist has some great wisdom and you should hear him out on what he has to say about you!
...maybe you aren't as bad as you think:)
Im cheering for ya hunnie! i want you to be HAPPY and HEALTHY! Confident in your skin, whatever that looks like. You are gonna make it! I know it! Don't give up
all my love
xxo.
Rach
Hey.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I don't think weighing a certain amount is failure. Unless of course you weigh 500 lbs and can't really move much and follow your dreams - then there's an issue.
I'm going to assume that by eye conditions he means people who can't see well? Or people who are blind? I'm not sure. Either way, since you can't fix being blind and it affects your entire life, that's a lot worse. Blindness or poor eyesight can definitely stop you from achieving a lot in life, and living life to the fullest.
Being chubby on the other hand doesn't stop you from achieving the things you want to do in your life. So what are you waiting for? Go follow your dreams and ambitions, live your life and experience great things.
When you're a grandmother, talking to your children about your memories of your life, do you think they're going to care how much you weighed? No! They're going to want to hear about all the amazing adventures you had in your life, because THAT is what counts.
Also, cutting isn't normal. It is a coping method and it can help some people deal with feelings, like it helped me, but there are much better coping methods that work JUST the same, without the pain and scars. I will admit, I still cut myself once in a while, but only at my very very worst. I've personally found better coping methods, especially through art, which is also rewarding!! You have to find other ways to deal with feelings. It's all about training your own mind.
Sorry for the long post.
Hi! Thank you for your comment :)
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question, I am 148cm (about 4'10").
I wish I could go to a therapist. Maybe I will one day when I can afford it without my parents' knowing. I see his point about ED and self-harm being issues that need treatment, but I wouldn't compare it to something like heart disease or bad eye-sight. A mental illness is a lot harder to accept in my opinion. We feel like we're to blame for the mess we are in, which just makes us hate ourselves even more. An endless cycle.
But like he said, it is fixable. If we are ready for the fixing :)
I hope you are doing better today, hang in there.