I just don't know anymore.

"But when you start to look at what you really want from life, these extra mouthfuls of food are not going to meet your needs, nor will they bring you satisfaction for the rest of your life."

I was reading http://www.thinspiredblog.com/ and came across this and thought this was SOOOO true.....

"As a figure-conscious adult woman, I constantly find myself contorting my body: sucking in my stomach; tilting my hips; lifting my chin; the list goes on. The goal being to minimize the amount of space I take up at all times.

Do adult men do this? No. They sit with their legs open, slouched on a couch, taking up enough space for two people. Children are the same. They sit comfortably or run free, and the only time they worry about their size is when they wonder if they’re tall enough to ride the roller coaster."

There is a little baby photo and her butts sticking high into the air. And the baby "has no idea that sitting like that becomes of the question when you’re worried about the size of your ass. She has no clue that the rest of her adult life will be spent sitting with her legs crossed, her arms tucked in, and her neck up…trying to be as small as possible.
At what point do our inhibitions take over and we stop sitting comfortably, start sucking it in, and stop sticking out our butts?!"

I just thought this was sooo true. Like seriously looking at old photos or just thinking back being sooo comfortable in my skin. Oh how I wish I was still like that. But seriously baby's they are adorable even when they stick their butt into the air!! And seriously though women care so much more about the space they take up then men. Lara is sooo right!!

On to my day---

So I woke up. Weighed myself. Depressed. Typical. Yet I'm really going to try and eat and exercise and not get into any messy cycle. It just is not working right now anyway so I'm just going to test this and see if exercising a lot and eating like 1500-2000 calories will make me loose weight.

Who knows whats going to happen.

I woke up and decided instead of eggs I'll have some oatmeal and pumpkin. I went online after I woke up and was looking at all this yummy food of oatmeal and pumpkin.



All stirred up!!



1/2 cup of oats (150) with 1 cup of water, a little less than 1/4 cup Libbys Pumpkin Pie (45 ish) and 1/4 cup trader joes dried cranberries (about 90-100) and 2 tbsp flax seeds (60 cal)
Total calorie intake for breakfast: about 350 calories

Then of course I just stayed on the computer for a bit. Ummm...and tried to take food off my mind. It worked a little. It didn't come to my lips. I decided to make some Pumpkin Protein Pancakes. Yummm...
It did take a second for them to turn out just right so the two bad ones I ate. Whoops!!

Heres the mix:



Ingredients (I sort of just put it in and see how it looks and kept adding as I went. but heres all i ended up putting in):
1/2 cup egg whites (60 cal)
1.5 scoops of whey chocolate protein powder (180 cal)
2/3 cup Libbys Pumpkin Mix (180 cal)
Cinnamon
Cream of Tartar
Each mini pancake--about 25 calories (maybe 30? but im going for 25 cal)

And the wonderful results!!!



It made 17! (and then the two mess ups I ate make 19! hahaa)

I put them in the fridge. I'll eat them later.

So around 12:30 I ate 2 mini protein pumpkin pancakes like I already said before so that was about 60 calories, water, low carb tortilla (50) with oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45 cal)

So now I had about 505 calories...

Then not to long after...at 1:15pm I drank some more water and had 2 more mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60 cal) and a pear (about 100?)



So like now I've had about 670 calories I guess....

Then I went to work and then the gym!!!!!!

Workout went like this.....
-bike for 15 minutes burned 120 cal
-1 hour sport circuit class (pretty intense. i guess. i tried hard idk)
-treadmill walked for 30 minutes on 10 incline on 3.3 mph burned 260 cal
So.....hmmm....like 380 calories burned + 1 hr of sport circuit class......sooo im assuming I burned like 750 calories at the gym??? hmm...idk.

The personal trainer running the class came up to me and told me "your going so fucking slow today" or something very similar to that. I don't know how well I took that comment. He's a sweetheart. He really is. But maybe I was taking it too easy. I think I was. So the last round I really pushed myself. I pushed pretty hard. IDK.

Then I came home shortly after that and ate!
I wasn't hungry at first but then as I was making food I started to get hungry! I drank lots of water at the gym and continued to!
So around 8:20 I had some dinner!
Of course had to add some peanut butter to it!!



This was my dinner



So I had some broccoli, and 4 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (120 cal) with 2 tbsp of teddies peanut butter (190 cal) and put some pam on the pan and cooked up some perdue grilled chicken--had the whole thing--so that was 315 calories

So as of right now I guess I ate like 1300 calories?? WOW. I feel like I ate a lot more. hahahaa. hmmm....debating between eating more or just calling it a night! But if I ate that and exercised as much as I did.....thats like a total intake of 550 calories? idk. thats probably not accurate.

<3

*Update hahaa I was just thinking--I should probably go shower. I didn't shower at the gym today and then ate right when I got home..smelly smelly me!! Okay ya I'm gonna go relax and shower and try to get my mind off food and look forward to a yummy day tomorrow. Tomorrows my weigh in day so I'm sort of freaking out.
I'm not even hungry anyway. Plus I feel really bloated, ugly and fat. Ok I know fats not a feeling--let me fix that....I feel really disappointed and alone. I just don't feel good. Maybe tomorrow after I sleep off this "food belly" i'll feel better...?

And omg I forgot to say--BLAHHHH I called my doctors today. Because I really need to get a physical for school. This SUCKS. Sucks sooo much. I really don't want him to weigh me. I wanna hear your thoughts--should I send him an e-mail and express my concern?? (he does know i've dealt with depression--hes a really really nice doctor i just am so torn) should i suck it up and just deal with it and suffer the fact that i made myself this huge and just deal with it??? should i text my psychologist and see if he has some advice/could call my doctor??? (even though i really really want to be good and don't want to text him!!! i want him to enjoy his vacation. it is soo damn hard not texting him!!!) or should i just not go to this new school because i need a physical exam???????

so torn.