Anxious about the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omggggzzzzzz

Yay for actually having "followers" lol
So I got off work 3 hours early tonight!
Which was niceeee.

My grandma is not doing well :(
She doesn't have much longer.
So sad.

I hope I'm done eating for the night.
Right this very moment I have NOOOO idea how many calories I've consumed. Scary! Scary! Very scary!!

So about 4 hours after I ate my post-workout meal (I wasn't even hungry!....like idk why the hell I ate....I ate just for the heck of it!) I had lots of water before my meal. I ate this:



A low carb tortilla (50 calories) with 6 slices of oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45 calories) and 15 baby carrots (55 calories?)
So I've consumed about 580 calories so far....

Worked for another hour and a half or so....

Then had a 100 calorie pack of almonds.



Then cut up a pear and put it in the microwave and sprinkled it with cinnamon.

Hmmmm....I feel sooooo SILLYYY writing everthing I eat. Like who really careS? haha aagain tho I am just doing this for me so whateves hahaa I'm going to continue.

Then like 30 minutes later I decided I should have some "dinner" so I ate 2 cold protein pumpkin pancakes that I made a few days ago and were in the fridge. soooo yummyyy!!! That was 60 calories. Then I had 15 slices of cucumbers with some hummus (maybe 70?) and a small banana (90?) with some teddies peanut butter and flaxseeds (150?), a low carb tortilla (50) with teddies peanut butter and flaxseeds (190), 1 slice of white bread (65) with teddies and flaxseeds (130?) and a diet coke with lime (BECAUSE I NEED TO DRINK MORE FLUIDSS!!! I'm usually too busyy stuffing my face!!!!!!!!)

Omggg I love peanut butter soo much.

Hmmmmmmmmm so about 1600 calories today. Ok. I need to stop.
About.....
140 g of carbs
97 g of protein
47 g of fiber
I'm going to try and just clear my mind. Journal through some things hmmmm....idk. I hope thats accurate.

Something I've realized....my metabolism is probably getting faster....because when I used to "binge" on like 800 or 1000 calories at once and for that to be my big meal all week I'd look 9 months pregnant!!!! Seriously--I sooo would. Now....I don't usually...I mean last night I def looked pregnant but I ate way more than I should have!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to stop worrying about food. I just want to be pretty. I want to be loved. I want to be cared about. I want to actually enjoy life and just be a college student!/kid!
You know why I love kids so much?? Because they love me. No matter if I'm HUGE they still give me kisses and hug me and say "I love you" and run around with me and play with me. I want to stop being a loser. I want to feel normal. Okay seriously tho--like hearing aids. okay maybe there not as common with teenagers...especially if you can't tell from their voice that they having hearing loss....i.e. ME....you cannot tell from my voice....and I'm not just saying that because it's me....you really can't....but isn't it just like wearing glasses or contacts? You have trouble seeing--you wear glasses. And thats okay. (In general) You don't get made fun of...people don't stare at you! people wouldn't think its weird to get glasses but then hearing aids? ummm ya. i feel like a loser and hide my feelings inside. hide my life behind my hair.

<3
Quotes
<3
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind.

When You Say 'No Thank You' To Food, You say 'Yes, Please!' To Thin.

My dream bodyyyyyyyyyy





I'm so bored. Idk what I'm going to do. Maybe write to a friend or make some protein pumpkin pancakes thingyyy and put them in the fridge. hmmmm idk! lol Maybe read a book. hmmm who knows. or just spend more time on the internet.

So I was reading Rachaels blog and I think I figured out something......I get mad and annoyed pretty easily. And yeah maybe the "situation" made me upset but I think a bigger thing for me to realize and that I just realized was it's probably me getting mad at ME. I'm my worst enemy. I'm upset with me....for eating, bingeing, not throwing up, not working out etc etc so I yell or get upset at someone or am rude when in reality I'm just mad at myself and take it out on me.

Hmmm....self-talk.....we all do it!!!!!!!

You can feel calm or worried, depending on what you tell yourself. Your self-talk can influence your self-esteem, outlook, energy level, relationships with others and how you experience life. It can even affect your health, determining, for example, how you handle stressful events, or how easily you replace unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones.

Focusing only on problems: This is the essence of complaining.We dwell on the problem, instead of solutions. Instead: Assume most problems have solutions and ask "How do I want this situation to be different?"

Catastrophizing: Every bad thing that happens is a horrible disaster. Instead: learn to be more realistic.

Expecting the worst: "What if he doesn't like me?", "What if I don't pass the exam?" Expecting the worst does not encourage you to behave effectively. Expecting the worst promotes anxiety.

My therapist has told me I'm catastrophizing. Catastrophizing a problem with thoughts I'm having. Pretty common I think. Well maybe not. I know I shouldn't.

**Update:
hmmmmmmm me a failure.
I ate a mini bag of smart pop kettlecorn (100 cal) and a LUNA vanilla almond bar (190) so now I'm at like 1900 calories today. great......that number scares me....scares me like shit. I can't take it. I'm telling myself you ruined it you might as well eat more you fat cow. But I'm glad....I fought off the urge and did not eat more. It was close. I almost did. But I didn't. Typical day----tons and tons of calories. Have I told myself how awesome I am recently????? hahaha NO! because I'm not. all I am is fat and worthless :(