Thoughts race through my head 24/7

It's amazing just how powerful thoughts are. Thoughts are merely just a idea you made up or created in your mind. It isn't necessarily true. Yet thoughts are so powerful because often we believe that our thoughts are the truth. Why? Why do we believe that just a mere second of something we think is the truth? Why don't we back it up with facts?

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with my psychologist that went like this....
I made some comment about how huge I was and my mom and blah blah idk and my psychologist said...

"Let's say ur right and ur huge...so what...what does that mean?

"it means a shit load of stuff. im ugly, that no boy will ever want me, dumb, not athletic, failure, people that i could maybe be friends with wouldnt want to get to know me b/c im huge and they'd judge me before they get to know me, i can't go to the beach, people make fun of me, it means the only thing i can fit into is sweatpants and if i was actually in control i'd be thin."

"That's all in ur head"

"It's all in my head. but the truths in my head.

"I disagree."

Anyway--we talked about this later and I was like okay well then where do your thoughts come from? your thoughts are in your head? they come from you?? And boy did he shut me down. hahaa. he was like I look up a lot of facts and research and do a lot of fact checking. He said something along those lines and i was like blahh okay okay okay. I get it.

Idk what made me want to write about that but I did.

Anyway.
I was late going to the gym today.
So I only go to do the sport circuit class for 35 minutes or so and we like stretched and did abs or whatever for the last 5 minutes but DAMN!!!! Okay so this woman is a BEAST!!! She's so fit. She has so much muscle. Like when she lunges you see all her muscle but when she's standing up straight she looks so thin and so toned and just amazing!!!!
And okay so she only teaches the classes on Monday's but I just found out she's not going to teach the class anymore. I'm not sure why!?!??!!! I am sort of upset. I think she might be dealing with something or idk because some of the people were talking to her about medicine and stuff after the class but I know she gets frustrated with people not being able to do the workouts and she told me in the locker room one time like Thank you for pushing yourself and doing the workout because I'm not slowing down for people. It's an intense class and if they can't handle it they shouldn't be there. She was sweet.

Seriously I'd be in such good shape if I did that class more often with HER. I mean we barly stopped for WATER. I got in a few sips here and there but after like 10 mins even 20 mins I was sweating profusely!!!!!!!

I had a REALLYYY quick workout today! :(
Oh well.

I got my massage :)
I feel so good right now!!!
He definitely said my muscles were really tight and could tell from something in my back that I run, he said my legs were really tight and i need to STRETCH A LOT MORE!!! (something i don't do too often!!!) and he said my shoulder/neck is tight from lifting weights which is good because you'd rather have it from that then poor posture. So I should tell my mom that then :) Yayy posture :) hahaa and he said I need to drink LOTS of water after a massage like that...because toxins are trying to get out of my body and if I don't I'll be really sore tomorrow apparently,

So....I tried to relax during the massage. It was an hour long massage. It was different than massages in the past where I was always covered by a sheet. When he massaged my back it was my bear back. I mean it was fine he just saw my back nothing else and maybe it was easier to see the muscles and stuff and I don't know but that for sure made me more self conscious. I tried to just keep telling myself "It's okay. He does this for a living. I'm sure he has seen bigger people than me." then a voice came in and said "No he hasn't. He sees people that are fit and muscular and he's just tossing around your fat. People that are young like you are much skinnier than you" so my mind did mess with me at times. I also got self-conscious a bunch when he massaged my legs--"I was like crap when was the last time I shaved" and then when he massaged my arms I thought "crap i don't remember the last time I shaved my arm pits I hope there not hairy" hahaa I checked them after...they weren't horrible but i probably should have shaved before I went. Oh well.

Whatever. I mean for the post part I was pretty relaxed. It was really relaxing. I tried to not let my thoughts get to me. I really tried to battle most of them and to be honest I feel like I was pretty relaxed, calm and enjoying the slow music in the background.
I hope I marry some NICE but wealthy man who will either come and get massages with me every week or treat me to massages :) hahahaaa

So all I've consumed today is water. I'm just chugging down the water. I really want this plan to work and keep my calorie intake low. Jump this whole weight loss process and then go SLOWLY back into eating more.
We'll see how long it lasts.....my guess...being me....it won't last long but I can only be hopeful.



Ok I'm leaving for work soon.
Just cooked myself 1/4 cup egg whites (30 cal) and tossed in like 1/3 cup spinach (like 5 calories?)
And added some salt to it for flavor :) Whoops!! :)
I took a picture of it. But my damn camera's not working.