Healthy? Binge? Purge? Restrict? Exercise?

Ugh idk.
I drove to the airport this morning. My grandmas not doing well. But omg soo many people were out biking! They all looked so fit! I was like omg is this like a normal routine for all these people! I bet it was. They looked so good!

I ate a shit load. Ugh. So mad. Like 2500 calories. (actually...probably more...more like 2700 or so...) I hate myself. THAT IS SOOO EMBARRASSING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!And I could throw up if I wanted to. I could. No one is home and no one is coming here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. Part of me wants to especially because I want to go work out and I can't work out with all this food in me!!! But I don't think I'm going to. Idk why. My throat is just killing me and I know it will hurt 100x more if I puke. Idk whats wrong with my throat it hurts a ton.

Yeah--so yesterday I didn't stop at 1300 calories. I went to "bed" but didn't fall asleep/couldn't fall asleep and my throat killed. I got up and had 2 chobani yogurts, a pear, low carb tortilla with teddies. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHH!!!!!!!

Anyway- I think I'm gonna go lay down and then work out. I'm sad.

16 days till I see my therapist. Could it get here any slower??? :(
I feel so alone.
If anyone wants a texting buddy I'd be more than willing to text. Seeing as I have no friends and no one texts me. I need to not give into cravings so easily. I emotionally eat like it's my job :(

***********************
Hey-it's me again. I didn't throw up.
To be honest I have NOOOO idea how I stopped. No idea. Like seriously no idea. Maybe it was the fear of getting caught thats stopped me. I fear that sooooo soooo much. I have no idea how I used to do it sooo often and not get caught.
I sulked in my bed for some time.
And wanted to stay there all night but I told my fat ass self to get up and go work out so I did.

My workout should of included weights but it didnt....
-elliptical for 45 minutes burned 385 calories
-bike for 30 minutes burned 170 calories
-walked on this inclined treadmill for 15 mins on 19 incline on 2.7 mph burned 160 calories
total burned: 715 calories?

That was my first time walking on the 30 degree inclined treadmill they have at my gym. It was quiet cool and fun!!!! I'm glad I tried it lol

Idk what tonight has in store for me. I'm really not that hungry. I know you should eat after you work out to restore muscles blah blah blahh but I'm not right now. I'm not even hungry thanks to all I ate earlier!!!!
I think in my mind I still fear from the times I was really bad and didn't eat my mind still fears that I'm going to go back to that so I eat a lot now all the time. Hmmmm idk just a thought.


Another update:
SO I think friends are coming over??? idk.
I just baked these yummyy thingsss



And for dinner I ate 6 whole grain perdue nuggets (240 cal) with honey and 7 pieces of broccoli and 12 slices of cucumbers

I hate being this fat
I HATE NOT LOOSING WEIGHT!!!!!!!