I'm screaming inside

My insides are bursting.

I just want to be happy. I just remembering life before this food crazy life started. I didn't care what I put into my mouth. I didn't count calories. I didn't even think about "calories." I didn't weigh myself every day....didn't weigh myself more than once a day...correction....I don't think I even weighed myself at all!!!!! I'd run around making jokes with friends. I LOVED life. I loved everything I did. I remember always having a smile on my face and it actually being a true smile. Nowadays---I have a smile on my face...usually. But is it real? No.

I remember being in my short cheerleading uniform and loving every minute. Not caring about how much I weighed. I used to love life. I don't know where that "me" is anymore.

I miss so many things.

I wish life was different.

I realize that the more I tell myself "you are only eating 800 calories" "you cannot eat today" "you eat like a big"....the more food thoughts I have...the more i eat!!!!!!!!!!! The more I'm aware of not allowing myself food. The more I give in and crave it. Because in my "mind" I don't want to eat and don't think I'm going to so my mind freaks out and I eat a ton. Even though I hardly ever restrict anymore (in my eyes...and in other peoples too...I mean really I really don't anymore) I will eat a shit load anyway.

I had pizza tonight. FAT FAT FAT me. I ate a shit load of stuff.

WHATS NEW!?!?!?!?!!!

I just want my therapist to come back.
I just want to go on vacation.
I just want to stay in bed foreverrrrrrr.

I'm waking up early to go to a gym class. :(

I really don't want to fill out this damn health form. Thats all thats on my mind. And that I want to text my psychologist but I know I really should not!