Sleeping makes everything better.

Thank you Gigi, Twigs Can Fly and Rainbow Rachel for helping me keep my head up.
I really appreciate it. All the love and support I can get right now since I don't get it from my family means the world.

Sleeping does make everything better.
Once I finally am asleep that is. I hate nights when my head is just tossing and turning and spinning and my thoughts and running my life. It is never fun--unfortunately my nights are often like that.

But this morning I woke up and felt good!!
I got up ass up to the gym.
I woke up around 8:45am...and left for the gym. I was going to a class at 9:30 and it's an intense class. If I eat anything before I'd puke. So I don't eat anything before and hey I like it that way. Word on the street is that you burn more fat not eating anything before you work out and just get up and go. Yet before things said differently and to eat a little something before working out. Blah blah whatever. I usually don't eat anything before working out.

It's crazy how much skinnier I was at this time last year!!!!! UGH I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT! It just makes me depressed.
This isn't at my skinniest but here's a picture and I guess I look pretty good....IDK but I remember feeling HUGEE and not thin at all!!!!!!!!!!!! Not positive how much I weighed here....but def had food issues then...

(picture removed)

Ugh enough about the past.

My workout today went like this:
*1 hour of sport circuit class (I really pushed myself. was sweating a lot by the end.)
*treadmill ran for 10 minutes burned 130 calories (ran on 6.7 mph so I ran 1 mile in 8:58 (slow. i know. fml. yet i just did an hour of intense stuff so whatever. fml tho. and then for the last minute I ran on 8.8 mph)
*treadmill walked burned 30 calories
*3x of 10 hip abductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip adductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip abductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip adductors on 80
*stairs for 20 minutes burned 205 calories

Total: 365 calories burned + 1 hour of sport circuit class

Right after I finished running for 10 minutes one of the personal trainers came up to me and was like "are you trying to kill yourself what are you doing" ahhaa or said something maybe he asked if "i got killed in the class" because he saw me in the class and i saw him and i like made a gun with my hand and put it up the my head because i was dying and i saw him laugh :)
He's a sweetheart. I really like most of the personal trainers at the gym and they all recognize me/know me for the most part hahaa I've been going there really since my whole body image and food issues really started (i think?) I've been going there for a little over 2 years.

So I feel like I had a pretty good work out.
My shirt was literally soaked. Good thing I was wearing a white shirt!!! I hate when I'm wearing colored shirts and it's like ughh gross sweat. And when he did come over to talk to me I was like aww he came over to talk to me....and i look a MESS!!!!! hahaa blah blah im just rambling.

Ok-so I came home....I was pretty hungry.
So I ate....
I really love feeling IN CONTROL. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT. So I need to be in control. But I also know I set myself up for failure everytime I say no no no no no eating today no no no no. I just know I do. Maybe I USED to be able to do that. But for some reason I CAN'T seem to do that anymore.
So I'm really struggling with listening to the voice inside my head saying "Alright-fine-your going to eat....but you do realize all your going to get is fat and your never going to loose weight" and the other voice is saying "Listen you have some food issues...but you work out quiet a bit. And don't want to set urself up for a binge so just eat like 1200-1500 calories a day and eat healthy and work out and you will still loose weight." And then the other voice comes back and says...."How many times have you told yourself your going to eat 1500 calories and NOT binge????????? (the answer: A LOT!)"

Anyway-this is what I ate. I know....it doesn't look that appetizing but whateverrr!!!!



It tasted good to me.
So I drank 1 cup of almond breeze milk (40 cal) with 1 scoop of whey chocolate protein (120)
2 eggs (140), 1/2 cup egg whites (60), 1 tbsp flax seeds (30), 1 tbsp wheat germ (25), 1 tsp psyllium husks (15) and sprinkled some salt on top for flavor.
So......I consumed about 430 calories (17.7-8.5 = 9.2 net g carbs and 52 g protein)

I feel pretty content and full. I'm going to try to plan out my eating for like a while so I really eat healthy and stay on track and try to just be OKAY.