eating to fall asleep....hmmm...hate it!

that was last night. i convinced myself if i ate a little more i'd fall asleep...mmmmm....well after an hour or so of eating instead of ending the night on 600 calories i ended close to 2000. i updated my last post with stuff i ate but its not extremely accurate seeing as i also had arnold 12 grain bread with hummus and turkey. ughhhhh ughhh ughh. i ate a lot. well okay probably close to "normal" or what i should be eating but i don't want to be normal. i want to be better. i want to be amazing. i want to be thin.

part of me wants to be on death bed. wants to starve myself. and i know i could if i wanted to. i really could. but the other part of me is saying just work out a lot and get really lean. ugh idk its like the eating disorder voice vs. a working out voice

So my personal training session went well. I have another one next Tuesday but I'm not sure whether or not to change it to like the end of August right before I go back to school. Thoughts?? I'm like excited to do this new work out the trainer gave me so I'm just torn whether or not to do one next week or to change it to the end of August. hmmm....idk!

So we did a bodyweight workout today.
Do you know what that means???
Well so I did an entire workout just using my body hahaa yupp no machines, no weights, nothing. ok. we did use one medicine ball but at school or something i can just put books under my foot or something. doesnt have to be a medicine ball.
So yup the personal trainer basically was like when you come home for Thanksgiving break I better see you and your going to be in the best shape hahaa and he said i could do these workouts if i don't make it to the gym like just in my room or whatever and at like 10pm haha he's like your roommates might think your crazy but whatever.

We did 2 reps of everything.
-Started off with jump lunges.
-Then did these squats where you'd jump in and out.
-We then did something--i don't know the real name--i call them Dog Kickers hahaaa--your on your hands and knees and then you pick one leg up and shake it out to the side....like a dog peeing hahaaa
-single leg push off ball--bascially one leg was straight into the air the other bent on the medicine ball and i had to lift my body up....harder than it sounds! you really feel this one!
Then we move to some plank things...
-we did reach outs (soo important to keep your body firm and not move your butt side to side!!!)
-ups and downs--in a plank position then push hands up and repeat
-opposite hand opposite leg
-jump in's--these were pretty hard too....you were in a plank position then would jump in and you'd have to make sure you wouldnt let your but fall when you jumped back out and you stayed in a plank position
-push up into side plank
-fall forwards
-inverted body press--hard!

So that was my workout. And I stretched a bunch and walked on the inclined treadmill for 10 minutes.

Not a crazy crazy intense workout. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow :)

I ate shortly after I got home. I better jump in the shower soon :)

I had a chocolate protein shake and some eggs. I haven't counted the calories so I'm literally going to be doing it right now here with y'all.
Anyway.

Protein shake:
-1 scoop of Elite Whey Chocolate Protein (117)
-1 scoop of unsweetened Almond Breeze Milk (40)
-1 tsp psyllium husks (15) (UGH THIS THE FIRST TIME I ADDED IT TO MY SHAKE AND AHH SO HARD TO GET THIS STUFF DOWN!!! ITS AN ACQUIRED TASTE AND I'M STILL TRYING TO GET USED TO IT)
-1 tbsp of milled flax seeds (30)
Total: About 205 calories

Scrambled Egg:
-1 egg (70)
-1/2 cup egg whites (60)
-1 tsp psyllium husks (15)--taste so much better in my eggs :-)
I cooked all that up with some pam olive oil spray on the pan and it was nice and fluffy and then put some spinach on my plate and topped it off with the scrambled eggs and added some salt for flavor.
Total: 165 calories

So far consumed about 370 calories and quiet full from that meal. (I hope thats accurate. hmmm....thoughts??)

Oh and did i mention. I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm hoping it just wasn't accurate but my weight this morning was terribly depressing. Terribly. :(

Hmmm I sort of want to go to the beach with a friend on Friday. hmmmm.....idk I really am huge though. Idk. I wanna and I wanna get tan but I also don't know. I'm not working friday so I have the day off until about 5pm when I go to my gym class :) yayyyyyy :)

So work is a last night tonight and it's wednesday so that means pizza night. But I'm not going to eat any of that gross pizza. I like healthy food better anyway. So I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm going to go shower and get all nice and clean and try and look pretty.

5 days till I see my therapist!!! I'm jumping with joy!! :)

I'd love some sweet comments or sweet text messages sent my way <3
Hope all is well ladies <3
Seriously just thank you everyone who reads :) Makes me feel loved and cared for...even if it's not true I feel like I am.

***
Quick Update:
-I ummm was sooo hungry 2 hrs later...and i gave in to it and ate a banana and 25 green grapes and some diet coke

So now total: about 530 calories?

-15 grapes
-28 almonds (160)
-1 ballpark turkey frank (45)
-amy's spinach and feta (260)
(about 1025 cal total now..)
-5 strawberries & 1 ballpark turkey frank (45)
-small banana
-blueberry ricce cakes (250?)
-green beans (40)
-25 grapes
-2 things of special k cereal w/ almond milk
-more blueberry rice cakes (330) fml fml fml

mmm...healthy binge? hahaa ugh idk im in a pretty good mood at least. idk. blahh blahh
like 2200 calories--urgg! when are you ever going to eat like a skinny girl??? FAT ASSSSSSSS

i need some love <3 i need some care <3 i need some hope <3 i need to be skinny <3 i just want to be beautiful <3 i want to fall into a boys arms and hear "i love you" <3