im loving writing right now. it's distracting me from bingeing more than i already have
I'm DREADDDINGGGGGGGGGG going to the doctors tomorrow to get my shit in so i can go to school. DREADINGGG it. im just sooo ready and going to force it out of my doctor and those bitch nurses in there to just tell me how fat i am and just be like see ya i do need to loose weight don't i?? yeah yeah. i really hope they tell me that. b/c i need some REAL person to tell me that other than my fucked up psychologist who says im not fat. yet okay im not fat fat fat but i could loose weight. im not skinny!!!!! i don't even want to see my psychologist anymore. my appts in about a week and a half. maybe i'll cancel. im too fat anyway!! im too fat to be seeing a therapist!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and my workout today. fail. i ran for a little over 30 minutes and had to stop because my nose started bleeding!!! FML!!!
i get nose bleeds all the time. whenever the air is dry i get them.
so i ran the first 1.5 miles on 6.7 mph then still running but ran the next 1.5 miles on 6.5 mph (so did a total of 3 miles in 27:17mins...i know know SLOW...and then continued running till my nose started bleeding on 5.5 mph)
Here's what I ate before work....an egg with spinach and then some green beans and almonds....total: about 280 calories
My huge tummy still wasn't satisfied so I ate some oscar mayer turkey (45 calories)
Food from the other day.......spinach and egg whites....a peach......turkey sandwich on low carb tortilla with spinach and 12 cucumbers
Later I had some almonds, 7 grapes, 4 mini pumpkin protein pancakes, 1/2 cup blueberries, a banana, chocolate chip clif bar, an orange and kettlecorn.
but then....after the movies....i should of gone to bed...instead ate 3 luna bars, bread and peanut butter, some chips, carrots and peanut butter....NEED I GO ON....??? I THINK NOTTTT!!!!!!! I'm soo embarrassed and ashamed!
Anyway-today was bad. I'm wondering if I should get up for an early gym class tomorrow.
I hate feeling like I need food.
I hate bingeing.....hiding food...not being skinny....getting judged....I HATE MY BODY....I HATE HIDING MY FLAWS...I HATE THE FACT THAT I WEAR HEARING AIDS....i hate being a horrible friend...being HUGEEEE....i just want to be loved, liked, cared for, accepted, and i hate everything revolving around foodddddddd
I hate my unsmooth legs. I hate cellulite. I hate dimples. I hate stretch-marks. I hate it all. Theres not one good thing on my body. Everything....EVERYTHING....needs to improve. Should I say again how much i hate my unsmooth legs.
I love music. I love driving. I'm in love with the song Love The Way You Lie
Idk what else I wanted to say.
I'm EXHAUSTEDDDDDD
<3 thanks for reading. if anyone even reads any of this shit shit shit i write <3
Awww sweetie, you need to be a lil' bit easier on youself:) maybe you aren't where you want to be, but you will get there. i hate the feeling of needing food...BUT we do need it! Its the binging part that sucks. Night times are always the most tempting time to binge, i totally understand that. But don't give up yet, today is a new day. Once you get a few days of no binging under your belt you will feel more confident. Its the initial trying to break the cycle that sucks. As always your food looks amazing! At least you eat mostly healthy food: even on your binges. You need to give yourself a little more credit sometimes dear. Predators... how was it? i heard about it haha NOT my kind of movie, from what i seen on the previews.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, and i hope you can recieve that, if not now, one day. Keep smiling, and keep your eyes on the beauty in life: it will carry you through these down times when feel so down.
xxo.
Rach<3
You have no idea how much i have been freaking out about my legs lately!!! ahh! I read this post and couldn't believe you were saying that - I was sitting on my bathroom counter last night as boy took a shower and I started just looking down at my legs and wanted to DIE. Or like slice half of them off!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Thank you Thank you for being here. <3 you, breathe, we can do this, we have to, right?
xxoo
Frick man, I hate my legs sooo much too! I only really started noticing how bad they are like this month, but god they're all I see anymore x.x
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely good things about your body-- don't even say that dear. We're always here for you, no matter what, kay? :)
xoxo