That's how I feel at least. I am so sad and just torn right now.
I try to do things right. I try to just ughh i don't even know anymore.
The invisalign is really really really helping me control my eating. I can't just stuff my face anymore with food. Probably because it's too much effort and hurts like hell to take the things out. I finally got the bottom out this morning. I called the dentisit being like "helppp" lol and i wasn't even hungry when I woke it was more just like I really NEEDED to brush my teeth!!!
I hope I continue to eat a lot less. It should help when working and stuff and in general just not shoving stuff in my mouth whenever I want. Ya know?
I was happy when I weighed myself this morning. :) Yet now I'm upset because I feel so bloated and so stuffed and I wasn't even hungry after workout today. Like I could of just not eating anything after I made myself the chocolate protein shake I usually make. And just stopped there...but not i ate...and im not sure why...but i did....because i really really wasn't that hungry.
I'm exhausted.
For breakfast I had a banana (110) and chobani raspberry greek yogurt (140)
So 250 calories total......
I was hoping to just eat that today but nahh didn't work.
I got hungry around 2pm and ate 40 grapes & 5 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (100) with waldens farm syrup (0 calories) :-)
So that brought my total intake up to like 430 calories.
Then I workedout:
warmed up--ran for 5 mins on 7.5 mph
-sport circuit class for 1 hr (i really tried to push myself and do all the activities without stopping before time was up. i pushed myself more in the beginning. i def didn't make it w/o stopping. its hard shit we do!!!!!)
Then I came home and had 1 cup of almond milk (40) with 1 scoop of whey chocolate protein powder (120)
Which brought my intake up to about 590 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had some cooked broccoli with salt....about 50 calories
And then 20 minutes later I had Amy's spinach & feta thingyyy (260 calories)
Which brought my intake to 900 calories.
Which would of been awesome and yayaa and it's not amazing but I can deal with that.
But after I finished the Amy's spinach and feta thing I continued to eat.
And this would be a binge--because binge eating is defined as feeling out of control--and I felt out of control.
I had 3 mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60), about 30 kashi 7 grain crackers (240?) with a tiny tiny bit of hummus on a few of them (35?) and a large low carb tortilla (80 calories)
About 1320 calories (and on the high side 1370 calories if i didn't count the crackers right)
So ughhh i guess thats a decent amount and i should be eating like that and at least its not like 2200 calories right??) But I still feel liek SHIT and still feel just bloated. Like I ate a lot. And I wasn't even hungry. ugh ugh ugh
I want to see my therapist. But I also really really really don't.
I think I don't want to see him because I know I'm facing my fears--I'm facing myself--I'm facing the truth--he's going to beat the thoughts and question every fucking thing I say--he does it in a wonderful way but it is just hard.
I am sad.
I have no friends.
No one texts me no one wants to hang out with me no one cares for me no one gives me hugs no one gives a fuck no one loves me no boy likes me. I'm just too fat.
*Update...I was asleep then woke up with my teeth in so much pain...took off the shit and ate some more shit. ughh..intake much much higher. ugh ugh.
not looking forward to the scale tomorrow
that last little diddy. yea, I know how you feel. But its not true. You have friends. People do care about you [take us for example]. One day that right boy who makes all these hardships worth it will come along and make it all right. Even if it doesn't feel that way.
ReplyDeleteLike Peanut said, we care about you doll [: Don't beat yourself up, kay? <3 Today's intake wasn't bad at all, plus you exercised!
ReplyDeletexo
I know what you mean with the binge :(
ReplyDeleteEven when i eat just a little bit, when I never planned to, I feel like I consumed 83946 calories :(
And the friends thing: ditto. ditto, ditto, ditto.
now, on to what I really want to say:
ahwwww gash! I don't know why you're so awesome (with the amazing essay ;) comments you give) but you are! which makes me really wonder why the people in your life would ever make you feel like they don't like you! Cuz i'm finding it very hard not to! If they don't want to be your friend, i will :)
a few comments, I don't even know you much at all. but for some reason there's already this place in my heart for you, stranger!
I wish I could make you feel better, the way you can, but i'm not blessed with words, see. but i am extremely greatful that you read, and comment on my blog :) thanks a million.
1) It's not good living in a place where people think big is beautiful. i don't know why, but it's just not.
2) uhm... I hate to say it, but your therapist wins. I *Do have body insecurities... i think the whole world does :( it's sad, but the truth.
3)thanks for the encouragement, but I can't make it back :( I try, but mentally, it's like a war in my head. between the voice that tries to tell me it's okay, and the voice that wants to hurt me for eating... :(
:) im glad to cyberly know you. I hope your intake doesn't make a difference on the scale number.
xX
And that's my essay to you X)
Hey love!
ReplyDeleteSorry i didnt respond yesterday, i wasnt around my phone all day, it had died. I am sorry about the binge. BAH i binged this morning after a great weekend. And it wasnt a good "oh i fed my body binge". it was an unneccessary went out and purposefully bought shitty food to work so i can eat it all at once binge. *feels sick* so your not alone, and you definitely have people that care about you. It may not seem that way to you but its the truth.
im happy to have met you, you are so special. I hope you feel better today. Cut yourself a bit of slack and remember your work outs burn calories off your intake for the day too:)
Im sorry your mouth is in so much pain:( thats really rough, although like you said at least it helps you control your eating.
Keep your chin up girl, don't believe the lie that you arent beautiful and that no one cares. You are LOVED. you are BEAUTIFUL. you are worth it so dont give up now.
xxo.
Rach
Oh my goodness, this post makes me so sad. I wish I could just give you a big hug right now.
ReplyDeletePLEASE don't think no one cares about you. That's just not true! Obviously all these people following you care about you (even though it's on the internet, and that sometimes doesn't feel like the same thing), and I'm sure your family cares about you (even if they don't show it).
I've only read through the first page of your blog, and I already want to help you get through all this!
I think it's awesome that you've already been able to confront some of the things you're dealing with by going to see a therapist. From what I've read on your blog, you have a difficult relationship with going to see him, but please recognize that he is going to help you. You're so right in what you said about how he's making you face your fears, and that can be a really scary and difficult thing, but it needs to be done, or those fears and problems will take over your life.
Also, (and this is the most important), please please PLEASE cut yourself some slack!!!!! Even on the days that you think are bad days, I think you're doing an great job with your diet and workout. Please don't be so hard on yourself! Really. It's so difficult to give yourself a break, and the hardest person to love is yourself. Some of these people leaving comments have great things to say, just please realize that you are loved and beautiful, and you won't be happy, even if you're a super skinny supermodel-size, until you can love yourself. As someone who really struggled a lot with body image, I can tell you this is SO true. Even the skinny girls (in fact, a LOT of them) are still really unhappy with the way they look. You really need to start with loving yourself. Why is being bigger, or rounder, such a bad thing? It certainly doesn't mean you're a failure! Or that you won't fit into society, or never get a boyfriend, or never have friends, because those things JUST AREN'T TRUE. If you're having a hard time right now making friends, it is NOT BECAUSE YOU AREN'T SKINNY ENOUGH. Please believe me when I say that.
(second part of my post because it was too long to put in one! ;) )
ReplyDeleteI think you might be getting "bingeing" confused with just feeling hungry and NEEDING to eat something. Girl, if you ate a banana and a yogurt for lunch, and then didn't eat anything until 2pm, it's completely understandable that you'd be hungry! I'd certainly be hungry! And you are exercising a LOT, so just be patient and hang in there. If you're trying to lose weight, it's really important to eat to keep your metabolism going. If you don't eat enough, it throws your metabolism really out of whack, and that makes it much more difficult to regulate your weight, and even harder to LOSE weight. It's great that you're keeping an eye on what you eat, but please don't obsess over it, and let your diet take over your life.
And 1370 calories in one day if you're trying to lose weight sounds really good to me, maybe not even enough. I probably get around 1700-2000 a day. It just makes me really sad to see you feeling so bad and regretful about things you eat, because you're still so young, and I know you've probably heard this a million times, but food really is an awesome thing and makes life so much better. I mean everyone loves to eat, right? Just, again, cut yourself some slack.
I know I've already written a book, and this is the last thing I'll say -- a certain weight isn't going to make you perfectly happy. It is true that when people are in shape, they generally feel better about themselves, but there isn't a magical weight that will make you automatically have friends, a boyfriend, and a wonderful life. Those things can only come from loving yourself, being happy with your body the way it is and accepting it, and enjoying your life.
I really hope what I've said makes sense, and wasn't offensive in any way, and I really hope your days start being better. :]
If you ever want to email me, here's my address - chandeliersky@gmail.com
<3 Laura