Haven't blogged in a while

I haven't blogged in a while.

So...life...
Well I came home for thanksgiving break...I've lost some weight since the start of school...which is GOOD!! In the beginning it was probably due to restricting. I definitely restricted a lot more in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm eating an average of say 1600-2000 calories a day...sometimes more...sometimes slightly less....I am lifting weights and working out....
Okay anyway...thanksgiving wasn't that great. I ate too much. Way too much.
I SAW the weight. SAW IT!!! SAW IT CREEPING ON ME!!!! I LOOKED DISGUSTING AND BLOATED!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I need to just not have the mentality that I need to eat everything.
Luckily--all that weight I gained is slowly disappearing from just eating healthier and idk....it just has gone down i feel it and see it since I was home.

I ran that race on thanksgiving. It was a 6 mile race and I did it in 49:10 (I believe) I'm not sure of the exact time because they haven't posted it online :-( ughh!!!!

In regards to my disordered eating/food habits...
I am thinking I want to start a new blog.
A fresh one.
One that I am going to enjoy and hopefully that will be happy feelings.
I'll take more pictures of my food.
I'll still talk about my life and my struggles.
But not as much.
DEFINITELY not as much.
No way am I comfortable talking about the AWFUL AWFUL binges I've had....or the throwing up...or the extreme restricting....or the days where I burn over 1000 calories at the gym for feeling so damn guilty.
My most recent binge was an ENTIRE big bag of pretzel m&m's. UGH. LETS NOT GO THERE THO! it was awful. awful. idk why i bought it. why!?!??!!! Earlier that day I remember I binged on lots of fruit in my room too.
But see to me...bingeing on fruit may seem "healthier" but in my mind its not.
It's still a binge.
I still feel guilty, disgusting and out of control.

I still often feel fat, I often think my thighs are the most disgusting things ever are really big, I pinch my body, I pinch my fat, I compare myself to other girls. I still often get depressed too.

I still do all that.

I am in no way cured. Not yet that is. But I one day will. I will.
I think I am making this sound worse than it is....

Really...I mean I am eating a lot more, seeing good results by lifting heavier weights (like loosing inches) and hanging out with hot boys by the weights is ALWAYS a plus :-)
Seriously.
:-)

But I am doing well. I am.
Theres hope out there girls.
Just keep beating those irrational thoughts.
It's hard. It's not easy.
But it's what we got to do.
No one deserves to be unhappy.
No one deserves to suffer like this.
Calories won't make our lives better as much as we THINK it will.
Just because we think something doesn't mean we are right.
A thought is just a neuron firing in the brain. Did you know that??
We have TONS of thoughts throughout the day. Most we don't pay attention to. We also choose what thoughts we want to listen to and which ones we don't. Did you know that??

Do you not believe me?

Do you not believe me that just because we think something doesn't mean we are right?

Well...here's an example...
You are walking down a crowded hallway in school carrying lots of books.
Someone bumps into you from behind.
You fall to the ground and your books go everywhere.
You are EXTREMELY MAD and EMBARRASSED.
You start to yell at whoever that JERK was that pushed you over.
You turn around.
And you see the person.
And you realize they are blind.
How do you feel now....??

See....our thoughts are VERY powerful.
And they can change in an instant.

Calories and food won't make any of our problems better. They won't fix anything.

Oh and I saw my therapist over break.
It was really good to see him. He seriously makes everything better.

If I start a new blog hopefully those that are interested will read it <3
I'd love that.
But if you do...I would really respect it if you honored it and didn't make comments regarding this blog that I have now....any of my past...or anything that would not be appropriate to bring up.
And I hope you'd all respect that if you are interested. If you are interested let me know and I'll inform you whenever that new blog happens.