I can be me.

Here on this blog....
I can be me.
I feel safe.
I feel okay.
I feel like I can be honest.
I trust you guys.

I'd love to share my new blog with you guys.
I am keeping this blog.
I'm not ready to give it up.
I'd appreciate any comments though about my new blog to be on THIS blog. PLEASE.
Because I don't want anyone who reads my current blog (not that I think anyone does....) but I don't want it to trace back to this blog. so please....please...respect my wishes!!! PLEASE!!!! Unless you leave a comment with your name or something then that is okay! As long as your blog isn't attached and people can't click on your blog!
Thank you for respecting my wishes.

[removed]

I'm not going to leave that address up too long.....just as an fyi
I hope if you want to check it out you do and PLEASE tell me what you think....because I would LOVE to know!

(My about section doesn't have anything about my struggles or if you think it does and i just am unaware please let me know...i know its not good im not being totally honest but i am NOT ready to be totally honest and for people to know....i just am not..and because i am not ready i really dont want people to know or share stuff i dont want to. so i hope you respect that. and understand when im ready i will share that if i even want to.)

Things have been okay.
I see my therapist tomorrow.
Which I am thrilled.
He is always amazing and so helpful.
But I need thoughts on something...
I've been awfully depressed.
It is not good.
Worst than when I was at school. This past week its just been never ending. I've had two good days. Today was better than usual and then a day a few days ago or whatever. IDK. But I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Monday....so January 3rd....except....I would be paying for it....all $575 it cost for the initial appointment....I am not willing to talk to my mom about it and she would want me to go to someone who is covered by insurance or someone else....and I've tried to get meds from other people! They won't give it to me. I'm convinced they didn't give it to me because I don't need meds and meds won't fix my problems...but my therapist thinks its because I wasn't honest with them.....
I've called some people that are on my insurance plan....some havent called back...one of them I've been playing phone tag with but I haven't heard from him in a week or so...so I doubt I'm going to hear from him again.
So I just am so torn! The inital appt is $575 and the follow ups are around $375 (i believe he said) anyway....who knows how many times I'm going to have to go or if I'm even going to get meds out of this whole process and if meds will even help me.

I ran 22 miles last week!
Thats good I guess.
And I don't run every day. I ran like 4 days last week.

I really need a nice healthy clense though. Like just nutritious and healthy food. Eating still of course like around 1600 calories or so but I just have been bingeing so much at home and it just SUCKS. and it no fun!!! Any tips or suggestions on bingeing???? I just binge sooo much!!!!! Or I have been bingeing a lot and it sucks.....i just eat...and eat...even if im hungry...i still eat.
EATING WON'T FIX MY EMOTIONS OR PROBLEMS.
EATING DOESNT FIX ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3
Night guys.