I'm really not restricting. I'm exercising till quiet a bit. My weights not changing. I'm still not happy with myself though.
I FINALLY talked to my therapist about my hearing aids.
It needed to be done.
I wasn't wearing them. He has never seen them on me. It took me a year to talk to him about my hearing aids. I got them last August. So it took a year. Wow. Shows how insecure I am about them.
ITS POURINGGG OUT!!!!!!
STREETS FLOODED!! so much for going on a run outside today :( oh well
typical day. hahaa.
Something called radical acceptance. Something I need to work on. Accepting my family life for how it is, accepting my body for how it is, accepting my friends for how they are, accepting me for me. Doesn't mean things won't change, but it just means that I will accept things for how they are right NOW and in the MOMENT.
Another thing my therapist has helped me realize--that i make fun of myself too often in front of my friends...and that i need to STOP doing that!!!!!!
I'm so torn with like wanting to see my psychologist and hating him. Wanting me to talk to someone and then being like blahh I'm not worth it. Why does he see me. How do I compare to the other people he sees? Does he like them better? Is the smiles and laughter and seriousness in our sessions real or is it just fake? Does he really enjoy listening to me?
I saw him 3 days ago and I just didn't want to face my fears. I didnt want to face my therapist. He is soo amazing to me. He is wonderful. I love him very much. He's like the dad I never had. But he knows me too well....he knows me soo well and because I hate myself...I hate facing my fears....I didnt want to face him...I didnt want to see him. I sat in my car...ten minutes after I was supposed to be up in his office...he texts me asking if im on my way....i tell him im trying to get out of the car...he tells me to get up to his office now and after 3-5 minutes i slowly get out of the car. As im walking out he texts me telling me hes coming down to get me. I lean against the wall. Am very unresponsive when I see him and am cold. And walk up the stairs to his office. Very quiet and not responsive. By the end...I'm happy and very glad we talked. Even though I wasted 20 mins of our session doing nothing.....ughhhh idkkkkkkkkkk
What is wrong with meee. I don't even know what mental disorders I'm classified as having right NOW. Maybe I'm suspicious of what I have but it hasn't been discussed in a long time.
Something my therapist told me....one day...a boy is going to love you and love your body. And he won't understand you and will want you to love your body. You won't get him and you will think he is lying and thinks your fat when he really loves your body.
Hmmmm doubt that day will EVER come. Doubt a boy will EVER find me attractive. It hasn't happened once in my 19 years so why would it happen now...?
Question--if you were going off to college or went to a new high school and there was a girl there with hearing aids and she wasn't cool but wasn't a total loser....would you be friends with her? would you judge her because of her hearing aids? would you look at hearing aids as you look at glasses? would you talk to her?
I'm transferring colleges.
I want people to be HONEST. please. I don't care what you say. I have my opinions on knowing i'd be judged and can't accept me because of my insecurities and my problems so seriously idc if you say you wouldnt talk to the girl/wouldnt be her friend. i've realized that most of the time thats the case.
just please be honest if you answer the question.
I think the reason why this issue/my hearing aids are so hard for me because I don't know how to be social/talk to friends about it. I just got them a year ago. Don't wear them that often. Usually only wear them when my hair is down and when I'm in difficult situations/where I know its going to be hard to hear. And so I guess I don't know how to approach it. My friends I've grown up with all my life have no idea. They don't know. My college friends from the school I went to last year have no idea. My aunts and uncles and cousins have no idea. So do I just suddenly wear my hair up and wear my hearing aids and just let it all out??? They won't wonder what they are?? or stare at my ear??? or judge me??? hmmm....all those questions i respond with....no you don't just let it all out, they will wonder what they are, they will stare at your ears and they will judge you.
Idk what else to talk about.
I see my therapist two more times before I go off to school.
I'll miss him.
I also hope though that I find some amazing friends and amazing guy friends so I won't miss my therapist too much and won't fall into a complete hole of depression.
Someday I hope to accept who I am.
I hope to not define myself by my weight and the little things. I hope people can try and get to know my personality before judging me on how I look. I hope I can stop defining myself by others satisfaction of me and not define my worthiness by my friends or people texting me back/talking to me.
My therapist did tell me I'm doing very good things and hes very proud of me.
I'm going to be 100% honest
ReplyDeleteYES I WOULD BE FRIENDS WITH A GIRL WITH A HEARING AID. who cares that she has a hearing aid?????? It doesn't change your personality . truly. you obviously have a great one. stay strong and don't let that get in the way of your self esteem.
I give you props for not falling apart about leaving your therapist...i have no idea what I would do if I were to leave mine.
Going off to school is always a huge lifechanging event and it'll be for the best. You'll be able to get through it and have lots of fun! :)
stay strong!
I dated a guy for a year that wore hearing aids. It didn't bother me at all and I don't think it would bother most people.
ReplyDeleteLearning to love yourself is a lifelong journey, but it becomes easier the further we go down the path. The more you accept yourself for the person you are, the more other people will be attracted to you. It just seems to work that way.
Just from reading your blog for a few minutes its clear to me that you are intelligent, sensitive, interesting and honest.
Who cares if you wear hearing aids? It's not strange at all, it isn't even bad-looking. I would go with someone with hearing aids. I think everyone has their problems (glasses, orthodontics, problems with their feet or back, etc) so why would someone be upset by your hearing aid? Don't worry about that, and if someone asks, answer and smile. Don't take it as an insult, maybe they're just curious.
ReplyDeleteI'm following you for now on :) you seem to be an interesting girl.
Keep strong, okay? ^^
I would definitely be friends with someone who has hearing aids, that's not even an issue! Don't be so rough on yourself doll, everyone has flaws and hearing isn't something that's going to hold you back from meeting people at all! :)
ReplyDeleteYou will love yourself eventually. You're such a caring person, and so sweet; I know that one day you'll learn to be kind to yourself as well. You're only 19, you have a long ways to go in life and I promise you you'll find that guy eventually. They say never to marry someone if you have even just one problem with them-- which might be a bit of an exaggeration but my point is that you're a sweet girl, you're going to have a lot of guys come along in your life and don't let him in to your heart to much if he doesn't feel right, because your Mr. Right could be right around the corner.
Thanks so much for your comment <3 It meant a lot to me. You're so sweet! =] I love you doll, I hope you're having a great day today so far. Don't beat yourself up so much, you aren't mental. You're just going through a rough patch in life right now, try to keep your chin up. Message me anytime! [:
xoxo
I actually have a friend that has hearing aids. She's a great person and I never even think twice about it! It's not something that DEFINES a person....a person's charachter and the kind of person they are and how they treat people is what defines them. I never think of my friend as "my friend with hearing aids" I think of her as the kind and generous person that she is.
ReplyDeleteJust enjoy yourself and have fun with your new school.... and that will radiate amongst your peers!
Good luck with your new school year!!
i'm not sure how the people around u are, but speaking for myself, the absolute truth...
ReplyDeletehearing aids - coonversation starter :)
As long as you're open about it and don't care about it yourself, you could even start a few good relationships from that. I wouldn't judge you or treat you any different if you had something in your ear. Peope have earrings in their ears!! ;)
Okay, but more seriously, i'd be more irritated with a person who kept asking me to repeat what I've said just because they can't hear me. Don't be stupid about it, if you need it, THEN USE IT!!!
Only stupid people judge people, although I am struggling to find any reason that anyone would have to judge a person for having a hearing aid...
Stay strong, Love
xX