I'm surviving like a hermit crab.

I'm surviving. But like a hermit crab. I hide in my shell when I want to. I find it difficult to meet people. I make too many judgments about myself all the time....and have too many racing negative thoughts...about people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me, people seeing how ugly i am, people not smiling, people not talking to me more than a quick conversation.......I don't really have friends yet. I don't. Okay--listen though--this blog is just helpful for me to speak my mind! to write about life! and thats really it--so please don't feel like you have to say anything. It is okay. And remember it is okay to feel sad and feel depressed and feel anxious. It is okay!!! It's just what we do with those feelings and how we act which depends on a lot of things. But feeling sad it okay! Too many times in this world we try to push negative feelings away

I am enjoying my classes though. Still not wearing my hearing aids really. At all. Whatever. I am praying to God he will give me the strength to do it and glorify me when I get the strength to do it.

I hope everyones doing well! I love the comments!!! LOVE EM!!! I try to read the blogs from time to time. It's hard. Because then I'm just on the computer....procrastinating....and not getting any school work done. and i really really want to focus on the work.

It's hard because I SHOULDNT but I compare myself all the time to people here. I have been doing okay. I really don't know how much I weigh. I did sort of have a bad weekend with eating. But I'm trying to not dwell on it....and to move on...if I keep dwelling on it it will only get worse and make me feel more crappy!!!!
I went to the farmers market today and got 3 peaches and 2 plums! I don't like keeping tons of food in my room-I have the dining hall anyway!! So thats enough fruit for me. They have bananas and apples in the dining hall which I sometimes bring back to the room but usually that only leads to binges to I am going to try to eat a piece of fruit in the dining hall or only take back one. All depends on the mood and stuff. Usually its good for me to eat a banana or something in the AM and then go right to class....that avoids binges...when I ahve somewhere to go like class....usually less apt to binge. But thats like only if theres very minimal time before I sat eating...okay I'm making no sense. hahaa sorry. but im trying to only eat my meals and not like eat meals and snack. and just be satisfied with the meals.

I am really praying a lot. I need the lord. I need him back into my life. I don't need boys. I need him. And through him all is possible. It's what I really believe. Through him I'll start to have friends at school, through him I'll feel okay about wearing my hearing aids, through him I'll find a boy that loves me for me, through him I'll succeed in school and work, through him I will feel beautiful, through him he'll give me the will to do all he created me to do! It wont come right away but it is possible. I just have to believe in him and love him. I have this girl--she helped me when I first started struggling with my body image and all. She was the only one I told and trusted and who still was my friend and listented to me. She is GORGEOUS and is very thin might i add and i just look up to her in everything--she is so inspirational. she loves the lord. loves him and just told me how beautiful i am and how great of a friend i am and it just meant so much to me. and i was feeling SOOO CRAPPPY this night. this was this weekend--i was feeling really crappy after feeling so out of control from eating so much. so she made me feel a ton better and renewed and just hopeful that things will be okay. and it just made me happy to talk to her.
<3


I have lots of work I should be doing so I am going to go but I am doing okay. I of course miss my therapist!! I actually deleted all my texts with him and his contact info from my phone. Oh well hahaa. Idk why I did. I mean I have his number memorized. So it doesnt really matter. I just part of me always feels like a bother and i just wanted to try and separate myself from him and relax and just idk. Its not like I'm seeing him anyway right now he's 3 hrs or so away so ya. He has lots of other patients he's dealing with and doesn't need me to add onto that list.