running!?!

I ran a half marathon!!
Not amazing time but did it in exactly 2 hrs

edit: i trained for it!!! thats how i did it!!! i never in a million years thought i'd do one! but hey i did!
i didn't think i'd get picked.
i told myself if i got in...that means that my life needs to change and i should treat myself better!
i got in!!!
so slowly i tried...to treat myself better....slowly...
i still binge...trying to eat a good amount of calories and not binge though...purgeing....it sometimes still comes but rarely.....
I am mostly eating well or trying to.
BUT--the negative thoughts are still here...and my mind is OFTEN bothered.
I got a bodybugg so I know exactly how many calories i burn a day.....to help me....to eat all i need to eat and to loose weight the right way....yesterday I burned 2900 calories!!!

I can be me.

Here on this blog....
I can be me.
I feel safe.
I feel okay.
I feel like I can be honest.
I trust you guys.

I'd love to share my new blog with you guys.
I am keeping this blog.
I'm not ready to give it up.
I'd appreciate any comments though about my new blog to be on THIS blog. PLEASE.
Because I don't want anyone who reads my current blog (not that I think anyone does....) but I don't want it to trace back to this blog. so please....please...respect my wishes!!! PLEASE!!!! Unless you leave a comment with your name or something then that is okay! As long as your blog isn't attached and people can't click on your blog!
Thank you for respecting my wishes.

[removed]

I'm not going to leave that address up too long.....just as an fyi
I hope if you want to check it out you do and PLEASE tell me what you think....because I would LOVE to know!

(My about section doesn't have anything about my struggles or if you think it does and i just am unaware please let me know...i know its not good im not being totally honest but i am NOT ready to be totally honest and for people to know....i just am not..and because i am not ready i really dont want people to know or share stuff i dont want to. so i hope you respect that. and understand when im ready i will share that if i even want to.)

Things have been okay.
I see my therapist tomorrow.
Which I am thrilled.
He is always amazing and so helpful.
But I need thoughts on something...
I've been awfully depressed.
It is not good.
Worst than when I was at school. This past week its just been never ending. I've had two good days. Today was better than usual and then a day a few days ago or whatever. IDK. But I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Monday....so January 3rd....except....I would be paying for it....all $575 it cost for the initial appointment....I am not willing to talk to my mom about it and she would want me to go to someone who is covered by insurance or someone else....and I've tried to get meds from other people! They won't give it to me. I'm convinced they didn't give it to me because I don't need meds and meds won't fix my problems...but my therapist thinks its because I wasn't honest with them.....
I've called some people that are on my insurance plan....some havent called back...one of them I've been playing phone tag with but I haven't heard from him in a week or so...so I doubt I'm going to hear from him again.
So I just am so torn! The inital appt is $575 and the follow ups are around $375 (i believe he said) anyway....who knows how many times I'm going to have to go or if I'm even going to get meds out of this whole process and if meds will even help me.

I ran 22 miles last week!
Thats good I guess.
And I don't run every day. I ran like 4 days last week.

I really need a nice healthy clense though. Like just nutritious and healthy food. Eating still of course like around 1600 calories or so but I just have been bingeing so much at home and it just SUCKS. and it no fun!!! Any tips or suggestions on bingeing???? I just binge sooo much!!!!! Or I have been bingeing a lot and it sucks.....i just eat...and eat...even if im hungry...i still eat.
EATING WON'T FIX MY EMOTIONS OR PROBLEMS.
EATING DOESNT FIX ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3
Night guys.

I love God!! (I wish I loved my body the same)

First off--THANK YOU all for the lovely comments :-)
It was so nice and means the world to me!!!!! I love getting comments! Sorry I don't leave too many comments anymore. I will try to get better. Right now is also really hard because its finals week and thats CRUNCH time!!!! So that means....well I finished my first semester (TODAY!!!! YAYYY) and only have exams left and I will be home soon but lots of crazzy studying is NEEDED!!!!!!!!

anyone use twitter?

I love God.
Its hard because my food issues tear us further and further away.
But he has a special place in my heart and in my life.
And when I am just able to be with him and pray with him and talk to him...it is the most amazing feeling.
You are never alone girls!!! Even if you don't believe in him I believe that he is with you so its okay you really are never alone.
Someones always going through the same thing as you too. Even if it doesn't FEEL that way.

So a quick post...or I want to try to make it quick because it's already almost midnight and I have yet to do any work!!
But...
This week thankfully has only gotten better. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough for me.
I was just feeling really out of control.
And I hate when I get like that.
I can't think rationally.
I am a mess.
I don't accomplish anything (like school work)
And I just HATE it.
And I don't know why....why that happened....I've been eating normally.

I thank the Lord for my therapist every single day.
I obviously am biased but I believe I have the best therapist ever :-D
Okay okay...there are other VERY GOOD therapist out there too. But my therapist is the best for me. And thats what's important. You're therapist has to be the best for you. Or at least someone who you trust, respect, enjoy talking to, listens well, understands you, and wants the very best for you. The therapist should also be professional.
He is the father I never had.
He knows everything.
I get annoyed at him. I've yelled at him.
He gets annoyed at me. He's been very stern and serious with me.
But the best part about us each getting frustrated at one another is it shows how honest and open we are with one another. I've seen MANY other therapists and at times I feel like they are "higher" than me and I can't ever disagree....or I can't be like I'm mad at you....I don't know why I think that way....because I shouldn't....but I have with other therapists.

Anyways I cut and binged and just was feeling awfully fat and disgusting...ya know the whole hate relationship with the body that goes on.

But I am very happy with myself.
Because.....
lately my head gets to me when I run on the treadmill....
my head plays too many games with me....
but tonight i said to myself....your gonna go and run and....and run for YOU....run for HAPPINESS....run to FEEL BETTER...run and have alone time....time with yourself...and time with God.
And I did just that!!!
I ran about an 8:30 mile pace.
I ran 8 miles :-)
It took me 67:02 mins.

The treadmill was annoying because after 60 mins it puts you in the "cool down" mode....and it went to 4.5 mph and I had to increase it back up to my running pace and then shortly after it would go back down to 4.5 and i'd increase it again and run more...and then it'd go back down...and i'd have to increase it again....okay okay okay you get the idea!!! lol :-)
So that was annoying....but it was okay.

I am just so proud.
I am just so proud because I beat my damn negative thoughts.
I beat them and destroyed them.
I just maybe....maybe was so happy in my shower after my run that I had a few tears of joy :-)

I kept telling myself "go go gadget legs" on my run and "how great is it going to feel after this run is done"

Thats the longest run I've ever done on the treadmill

I hope this week is better and I love myself and try to love my body better.

Haven't blogged in a while

I haven't blogged in a while.

So...life...
Well I came home for thanksgiving break...I've lost some weight since the start of school...which is GOOD!! In the beginning it was probably due to restricting. I definitely restricted a lot more in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm eating an average of say 1600-2000 calories a day...sometimes more...sometimes slightly less....I am lifting weights and working out....
Okay anyway...thanksgiving wasn't that great. I ate too much. Way too much.
I SAW the weight. SAW IT!!! SAW IT CREEPING ON ME!!!! I LOOKED DISGUSTING AND BLOATED!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I need to just not have the mentality that I need to eat everything.
Luckily--all that weight I gained is slowly disappearing from just eating healthier and idk....it just has gone down i feel it and see it since I was home.

I ran that race on thanksgiving. It was a 6 mile race and I did it in 49:10 (I believe) I'm not sure of the exact time because they haven't posted it online :-( ughh!!!!

In regards to my disordered eating/food habits...
I am thinking I want to start a new blog.
A fresh one.
One that I am going to enjoy and hopefully that will be happy feelings.
I'll take more pictures of my food.
I'll still talk about my life and my struggles.
But not as much.
DEFINITELY not as much.
No way am I comfortable talking about the AWFUL AWFUL binges I've had....or the throwing up...or the extreme restricting....or the days where I burn over 1000 calories at the gym for feeling so damn guilty.
My most recent binge was an ENTIRE big bag of pretzel m&m's. UGH. LETS NOT GO THERE THO! it was awful. awful. idk why i bought it. why!?!??!!! Earlier that day I remember I binged on lots of fruit in my room too.
But see to me...bingeing on fruit may seem "healthier" but in my mind its not.
It's still a binge.
I still feel guilty, disgusting and out of control.

I still often feel fat, I often think my thighs are the most disgusting things ever are really big, I pinch my body, I pinch my fat, I compare myself to other girls. I still often get depressed too.

I still do all that.

I am in no way cured. Not yet that is. But I one day will. I will.
I think I am making this sound worse than it is....

Really...I mean I am eating a lot more, seeing good results by lifting heavier weights (like loosing inches) and hanging out with hot boys by the weights is ALWAYS a plus :-)
Seriously.
:-)

But I am doing well. I am.
Theres hope out there girls.
Just keep beating those irrational thoughts.
It's hard. It's not easy.
But it's what we got to do.
No one deserves to be unhappy.
No one deserves to suffer like this.
Calories won't make our lives better as much as we THINK it will.
Just because we think something doesn't mean we are right.
A thought is just a neuron firing in the brain. Did you know that??
We have TONS of thoughts throughout the day. Most we don't pay attention to. We also choose what thoughts we want to listen to and which ones we don't. Did you know that??

Do you not believe me?

Do you not believe me that just because we think something doesn't mean we are right?

Well...here's an example...
You are walking down a crowded hallway in school carrying lots of books.
Someone bumps into you from behind.
You fall to the ground and your books go everywhere.
You are EXTREMELY MAD and EMBARRASSED.
You start to yell at whoever that JERK was that pushed you over.
You turn around.
And you see the person.
And you realize they are blind.
How do you feel now....??

See....our thoughts are VERY powerful.
And they can change in an instant.

Calories and food won't make any of our problems better. They won't fix anything.

Oh and I saw my therapist over break.
It was really good to see him. He seriously makes everything better.

If I start a new blog hopefully those that are interested will read it <3
I'd love that.
But if you do...I would really respect it if you honored it and didn't make comments regarding this blog that I have now....any of my past...or anything that would not be appropriate to bring up.
And I hope you'd all respect that if you are interested. If you are interested let me know and I'll inform you whenever that new blog happens.

Life.

So...
I currently just scrapped the peanut butter jar clean. mmm...wonderful. :(
Except I am not going to fret about it.
It was probably 2 servings worth. So yeah a lot of calories but whatever. I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at like 4am and it SUCKED staying in bed for a while doing nothing...thinking about food...whats new!!
Anyway...a friend e-mailed my therapist saying she was concerned about me and I know she probably mentioned that I threw up and was bitching about my body. I did NOT expect her to email my therapist though. I'm glad she told me she contacted my therapist rather than hearing it from my therapist. ugh.
I guess that just stresses me out. I don't want her to think I have an issue. Because yeah I did do that but I am SOOO much better than where I used to be. And my friend was just like you have a great body and don't need to worry about that. BLAHH!!! Umm sorry....have ya checked out my thighs or the rolls and rolls of my fat stomach?!? ugh I think not.

Sorry...I just NEEDED to VENT. My goodness.

So today's my day off from working out.

Sarah left a comment asking what my workouts are like. We'll....it depends...I currently am training or whatever ya wanna call it for a 6 mile race on Thanksgiving and hope I will be able to run a half marathon in March!!! That would be soo amazing. But my mind OFTEN gets to me when I run and tells me I can't do it/can't run that far etc etc...

But yesterday I worked my butt :-) woohoo I did 50 pushups (not woman ones either! :-) yayy) and Quads and Gluts and then ran a mile in 7:01 mins. I literally died after running that. I was exhausted.
I TRY to run about 11-15 miles a week. It's sometimes less. I weight train A LOT. Seriously you ladies out there--being toned is where it's at. Like my thighs I hate my inner thighs where all the fat is but my legs are pretty toned and my arms are pretty toned. My stomach...ehh not so much but it certainly has improved and gotten more toned. And when I said weight train.....I mean lift heavy...I lift heavy weights. I'll do barbell squats with 60 lbs and do lunges with a curl with 17.5 lb dumbbells and sumo squats with 60 lbs and you get the drift....But like I use 15 and 12.5 dumbbells for some things that are harder for me. Again its all whats heavy for you!!! you don't want to hurt yourself when your working out by lifting too heavy of a weight!!!

Life is blahh....so much work....literally so much work. I should get on that.
I'm just really stressed right now and I don't even know why!!

:-(

I am excited to go home soon.
I am excited to go to the gym, run my race, see my friends and hopefully go to church.
Oh and...I am speaking in a few weeks about my hearing aids....CRAP!!!! I'm so nervous!!! No one knows--not even my roommates...I'm speaking on this panel. Hopefully not too many people will go!!! lol

It's been a while....

Wow-It sure has been a while since I last posted!!
I love blogging but I'm also terrified someone I know will find this.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog--like about my life at school, work, food, fitness....and LESS about these destructive thoughts I have. But I think writing about my struggles that I don't share and about how I REALLY feel about my body is helpful.

I have no idea what I weigh. Last weighed myself almost a month ago. That terrifies me.

Sarah-you're comment the other day made my day :-)
So sweet of you. It means so much to me when people think about me--i mean i usually think about a lot of you all too and random people in life but it's just when you feel so hopeless you think otherwise.
Anyway--I think I'm going to try and blog more. It's a wonderful form of therapy.
No joke ate 5000 calories yesterday.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a WHILE.
I'll admit. I purged...twice yesterday but the second time was a struggle for me. I fear getting caught so much when I purge. I really like doing it. That sounds crazy and weird but it just helps me so much. Like I'm getting stuff out of me--everything out of me that sucks in life.
My therapist from back home is getting frustrated with me and feels helpless and is just annoyed at me. I don't blame him!! I mean I text him all the time and am "crying out for help" I mean I guess I am....I am...I am crying to him for help with my issues....but he really wants me to see someone on a daily basis and that can actually talk to me and not just text back and forth.
I really ought to stop texting him.
I guess I text him A LOT when I am lonely and feel crappy. He always knows what to say.
But I feel so bad when I text him!! I feel like such a bother and a pain. He sees so many other people--and I'm sure if I got these many issues lots of people have tons more than me.
He's just super super busy.

I've found myself getting super super depressed lately. It's NO fun!!!! I wish people took me seriously and saw how much pain I was in and that I actually could benefit from anti-depressants! But nope--everyone says I'm fine....so we'll that means I'm fine then...right...?!!!?!

I didn't work out yesterday.
I just finished an exam so that stressed me out.

I haven't TOUCHED the dessert bar at my school yet. The reason--I want to be "healthy" and I am TERRIFIED of the dessert bar. Once I go there once and break my good habit--disaster will strike!!!!

I think I'm going to make apple chips this weekend.....slice up some apples....put some lemon and cinnamon on them and then pop em in the oven! Sounds cool right!??!! lol and healthy! I guess...I mean it's just an apple!

I am trying to run a lot and work out a lot. I hope to run a half marathon in March!! Okay people--lifting weights and lifting heavy weights will seriously get you lean! I can't even tell you--like my stomach is looking amazing--except now its disgustingly bloated but l like four days ago or so my stomach was looking good. And I'm sure in a week or so after some clean eating and exercising my stomach will get back down. My legs look leaner. I could fit into these size 26 new jeans i got that I couldn't earlier this summer. Yet my other size 26 jeans I can fit into this summer. IDK!!! But I hope im not jinxing myself right now.

I have a shit ton of laundry to do today. What is everyone up to today??

How is everyone doing??? Please let me know!! I will try to check out peoples blogs and comment. It's hard. It's hard because I use this to vent and to write about my emotions and relate to people. And I offer words of care to people because I understand....and I get it...and life just sucks when the spiral keeps going down hill but I know I can only really care for myself and not really anyone else.

Any motivational quotes? Sayings? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas of a post to write??
okay well maybe I'll write again later today if not then this weekend or something =)

A nice break

It's nice being home for the long weekend.
It's a nice break.
I'm eating A LOT though.
I don't know.
I ran a 5K this morning. My time was 24:22. Ugh. I've done better/probably could have done better. My thigh/hamstring is KILLING me. I really want to go to the doctor/physical therapy for a few days while I'm home and get a massage of some sort on my leg/thigh. The pain just hurts.

I made this DELICIOUS Pumpkin Gingerbread with Buttercream Frosting.
OMG DELICIOUS.
Perfect!!
Got it off here :-)

http://ohsheglows.com/2010/10/02/pumpkin-gingerbread-with-spiced-buttercream/

Love it!!

I wish I could see my therapist while I'm here. I don't think I'm going to/can.
Whatever. :-(

I just wish I could be skinny. I'm trying to be happy and trying to work out and eat well.
It's just hard. It's a mess of a secret life.

Moods.

It's crazy how moods control you.
I'm in such a crappy mood right now and hate when I get like this.
I miss my therapists.
My mind is saying negative thoughts though...like he hates me and doesn't care...etc..etc.
I am depressed/sad. I think its because I'm fat, I'm scared shit I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow its the hardest crap in the world and I'm just lonely/have no friends.

ughh life is sucking right now.

Some food from the past few days...

Okay these photos aren't great because I felt odd at times taking photos of my food. I wasn't always alone so it was awk at times trying to snap a pic!

lol

Here are some though!!!

It was all very tasty!! :-)


A close up of my almond milk and scoop of whey protein powder and peanut flour:


My oatbran with a peach and cinnamon and 4 scoops of plain chobani yogurt (delicious!!!!)


Again....


My oatbran with 2 cut up figs, flax seeds, wheat germ and 2 scoops of chobani yogurt!


All mixed up!


Okay and I wanted to eat more spaghetti squash today. That stuff is just so good.
But....I knew if I wanted to be full I should probably add some protein to it.
So...I found some protein! Or what I think is protein LOL
Went to a place where you can get food and I got myself this:



....some cut up chicken....
IDK it was the only really thing that looked semi appeptizing. I'm curious as to how many calories that has....thoughts?!?!?? Idk I used about 1/2 of it and I'm guessing half of it is like 90...Idk it's not that much at all so many thats on the high side......


And then I cooked my spaghetti squash!! YUM! and added sauce and some chicken!!!!
Here is my amazing lunch today!!!! I also had a pear with it. Ate it without a photo =)



Mixed it all up!
I know...I know...the pictures not great but it was really good!


My dinner tonight!! Post-workout! :-)
Oatbran, scoop of protein powder, wheat germ, flax seeds, hemp seeds and a banana!




That's all I have for ya!
Better get started on some homework!!

I miss taking photos of my food.

I do. I do miss taking photos of my food.
So I'm still very sad and a mess. But I know my uncle and my grandmother are in a happier place and not suffering anymore. God is taking care of both of them <3

It took forever to fall asleep last night but once I finally did I slept well.

I did laundry and changed my sheets this morning. I love clean sheets! :)

A little after 2pm I had some food.
Oatbran, banana, wheat germ, flax seed, hemp seeds and a spoonful of plain chobani yogurt




And...
I took a picture of my back....I wanted to see if it was muscular.....I feel like it's deceiving and I'm not as muscular as it appears....I mean I AM flexing in this photo. It's not like I'm not flexing. I don't know how long I'm going to keep it up but I sort of wanted to posted it. Maybe it's just me and maybe this photo doesn't look like I have much muscle at all. I don't know!!!

(photo removed)

I'm going to maybe go to the gym in a bit....try and clear my mind....try and get some work done too...

I think dinner will be spaghetti squash if I can cut it open.
No friends to go to the dining hall with so I think I'm staying here.
We'll see if I'm successful at cutting it open! LOL
I'll take photos!!



I'm back!!!
Ok--here we go....

I got out all my supplies!!



I was very worried I would not be able to break this sucker open.
So I poked it with a fork and put it in the microwave for a minute.

Hmmm....I was still thinking....I wonder if I'm going to like this thing.....
I start cutting it open.....It's easier than I thought it would be!! My little knife is working!!! :-)



And I did it!!!

It was a small one! It fit in my hand.



And I'm looking at this thing....thinkng "Okay seeds...where are ya?" And I looked around....found some....found like 8 and then was like "Well that was easy!!" ummmm...NO! hahaaha there were a ton more buried all over the place and then tiny tiny ones.
It took FOREVER to get them all out. I'd say like 20 minutes? Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know.....
But I just kept thinking.....this damn spaghetti squash better taste good....because I was very suspicious to say the least......

Finally I got them out!!
Or I thought I got them all out....

Popped it into the microwave.
It came out looking like this.



My thoughts.....hmmmm
1) I see SEEDS
2) Is that what it's supposed to look like??
3) Is it cooked??

I got a few seeds out I saw....and then decided it was cooked

I started digging in to one of them!



And went "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SOOOO COOL" hahahahahaa

I wasn't sure if I was going to like it so I started with just one half.
I cleaned it all out :-)
But this photo doesn't show how well I really cleaned it out. I cleaned it out after this photo more :-)



I added some sauce and this is what my FIRST bowl looked like.



My thoughts.....
1) It was YUMMMYYYYYYY
2) Why haven't I ever eaten this before?????
3) I am going to start eating this at home???
4) Who can I get to take out all the seeds so I can just eat it??? hahahaa

I attacked the second half!
My second bowl!!




Okay so it was good.
But I still think pasta is good from time to time. But this is definitely good. Like when I grow up I'd call it "pasta" and serve it to my kids :-) heheheehee
I don't know if I was really full after though.
I did have some veggies with it




But I gave my hungry body a rice cake, a small apple and 1 cranberry oatmeal protein cookie from the protein bakery! :-)

GOD-WHERE ARE YOU????????????????

Really??? Where are you right now??????
I had an amazing workout. I WAS excited to eat after.....then I heard the news....and my appetite collapsed.
I ran 7 miles.
But then my life was torn apart.
The second I ended my run-my sister wanted me to call her back/call her asap. And I did.
What does she tell me??
My grandmother just died.

THE PROTEIN BAKERY!

Okay--so.....I'm doing OKAY right now. Had an apple for breakfast. Shortly after I had some coffee with almond milk. Then after classes for the day....about an hour ago...I had some oatbran with peanut flour and a cut up apple. AND then I opened my box from the protein bakery!! I ordered a pkg of oatmeal cranberry cookies (2 cookies in a pkg) and a pkg of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (again 2 cookies in the pkg) and okay so that was $4.50 and then shipping.....damn shipping.....was $9.25!!!! goodness gracious. hahaaaha.
I opened my package of cookies and SURPRISE they threw in extras!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaa :-)
That was exciting!!!
Not that I need the extra calories. The stats are pretty good. Idk.......
But I ate one package....so yes....two cookies....of the pumpkin chocolate chip walnut cookie. Which was one they threw in for free.....?....which was SOOOOOOO SOOOOO SOOOO good! :-) And then they also through in this blondie.

I snapped a photo :-)



I weighed myself this morning.
I've lost weight.
But it was weight I needed to loose.
I'm not going to weigh myself until October 1st.

Hope everyones doing well.
Thanks for the comments :-)
I'm going to go pump some iron (this weekend) and run some miles in a few :-) after this food digests.

Okayy sooo.....an update....I went to the grocery store!!!!
Woohooo. I love food. I really don't want to gain weight at this damn school though. I hope I maintain control over this food!!!!!!!! I've lost like 10 lbs....who knows if its really 10 lbs though....and to be honest....I needed to loose those 10 lbs.
So I am addicted to shopping for food. I spent way to much money!!! BLAHHHH!!!!
Waiting for the bus I had a lovely LUNA-White Chocolate Macadamia Bar and 1 fig and 1 soy and flax rice corn cake thingyy.

Heres all the lovely groceries I bought..........





thoughts?? opinions?? comments???

I forget what Larabars taste like...I can't buy many granola bars.....ya know why??? They are my ENEMY!!! sorry I love 'em but I can eat an entire box. I will binge on that stuff. I got La Tortilla tortillas.......hmmm....IDK what I'm going to do with it......maybe bring it to the dining hall to have my turkey sandwich on? I mean my roommates are pretty chill with doing stuff like that I think....or I'll just get a sandwich and then take it back to my room....?? and then use a tortilla in my room and then eat the sandwich in my room....IDK!!! I got a banana because there are never bananas in that damn dining hall!!!! I also got some veggies....maybe I'll steam those up later?!?! 100 calories per a bag :-) YUMMMM and I got some spaghetti squash thanks to GiGi! She talks ALL about it with me ALL the time hahaa and I finally am going to listen and give it a try. I bought semi small ones because I hear they are a BITCH to cut open....so I'm NOT exactly sure HOW the HELL I'm going to cut those things up in this damn dorm room.

Oh and I'm doing well purging wise....binging is sometimes hard...but I've been okay.....no purging though....I don't even remember the last time I did....maybe sometime before I left for school..maybe begg. of august/mid august. It's hard with hall bathrooms. Harder than you'd think. People are constantly in there and I have no where to hide or whatever. Idk I have no urge. And because I haven't purged a lot since March/June/whenever I really stopped....I think it was around then....there have been only a FEW times where I have thrown up---obviously thought I was really upset and felt really guilty the times I have since then....and they haven't been many times...but...because of me stopping and no longer doing it---it means I don't have an "eating disorder" anymore. Right...????!!!! I mean I don't think I've ever had an "eating disorder" but a bunch of psychologists and a doctor told me I did...maybe I heard them wrong ;)

Oh ANDD I love my therapist from back home. He is amazing. So good to me. Understands me and ATTACKS my thinking. And does it in a nice and caring way. Yet just aways challenges me!! And its good because it is helpful for all those irrational thoughts I have. I called the counseling center here today at my school and I think I'm going to go meet with someone in like 2 weeks or so....I'll probably write about it if I do go. I'm not planning on telling them I've had previous counseling...because you know what happens then....they ask why you had counseling etc etc....I am planning on discussing my trouble with shyness and homsickness and ya. Thats really it. We'll see......

Hmm...thats it for now. I'm gonna go work up a sweat. Or try to.....
:-)
See ya!

Life? Happy? Sad? Content? I don't even know.

I love eating healthy.
I'm a health nut.
I love exercising.
I love being healthy.

I also am VERY VERY scared of food. Food scared me.
I love it. But am very very scared of it at the same time.
My roommates are all going away this weekend. Which means I have the room to myself.
Yay relaxation but scared shit I will go crazy and binge.
I need to remind myself to BREATE, RELAX, GO DO SOMETHING AKA GET MY MIND OFF FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! AND JUST BE MINDFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sort of feeling homesick.
Sort of just want a friend here besides my roommates...if I even call them friends...they are very sweet...but I feel like I sort of have jumped into their lives by transferring and getting placed into their room. I miss my therapist. I am exercising a lot...I think?? I am trying to lift heavy and lift more weights! I think its working/will work....we'll seee...I'll try to read some blogs this weekend!
Hope all you sweeties are doing well <3
Update me on your lifes!!!!

I'm surviving like a hermit crab.

I'm surviving. But like a hermit crab. I hide in my shell when I want to. I find it difficult to meet people. I make too many judgments about myself all the time....and have too many racing negative thoughts...about people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me, people seeing how ugly i am, people not smiling, people not talking to me more than a quick conversation.......I don't really have friends yet. I don't. Okay--listen though--this blog is just helpful for me to speak my mind! to write about life! and thats really it--so please don't feel like you have to say anything. It is okay. And remember it is okay to feel sad and feel depressed and feel anxious. It is okay!!! It's just what we do with those feelings and how we act which depends on a lot of things. But feeling sad it okay! Too many times in this world we try to push negative feelings away

I am enjoying my classes though. Still not wearing my hearing aids really. At all. Whatever. I am praying to God he will give me the strength to do it and glorify me when I get the strength to do it.

I hope everyones doing well! I love the comments!!! LOVE EM!!! I try to read the blogs from time to time. It's hard. Because then I'm just on the computer....procrastinating....and not getting any school work done. and i really really want to focus on the work.

It's hard because I SHOULDNT but I compare myself all the time to people here. I have been doing okay. I really don't know how much I weigh. I did sort of have a bad weekend with eating. But I'm trying to not dwell on it....and to move on...if I keep dwelling on it it will only get worse and make me feel more crappy!!!!
I went to the farmers market today and got 3 peaches and 2 plums! I don't like keeping tons of food in my room-I have the dining hall anyway!! So thats enough fruit for me. They have bananas and apples in the dining hall which I sometimes bring back to the room but usually that only leads to binges to I am going to try to eat a piece of fruit in the dining hall or only take back one. All depends on the mood and stuff. Usually its good for me to eat a banana or something in the AM and then go right to class....that avoids binges...when I ahve somewhere to go like class....usually less apt to binge. But thats like only if theres very minimal time before I sat eating...okay I'm making no sense. hahaa sorry. but im trying to only eat my meals and not like eat meals and snack. and just be satisfied with the meals.

I am really praying a lot. I need the lord. I need him back into my life. I don't need boys. I need him. And through him all is possible. It's what I really believe. Through him I'll start to have friends at school, through him I'll feel okay about wearing my hearing aids, through him I'll find a boy that loves me for me, through him I'll succeed in school and work, through him I will feel beautiful, through him he'll give me the will to do all he created me to do! It wont come right away but it is possible. I just have to believe in him and love him. I have this girl--she helped me when I first started struggling with my body image and all. She was the only one I told and trusted and who still was my friend and listented to me. She is GORGEOUS and is very thin might i add and i just look up to her in everything--she is so inspirational. she loves the lord. loves him and just told me how beautiful i am and how great of a friend i am and it just meant so much to me. and i was feeling SOOO CRAPPPY this night. this was this weekend--i was feeling really crappy after feeling so out of control from eating so much. so she made me feel a ton better and renewed and just hopeful that things will be okay. and it just made me happy to talk to her.
<3


I have lots of work I should be doing so I am going to go but I am doing okay. I of course miss my therapist!! I actually deleted all my texts with him and his contact info from my phone. Oh well hahaa. Idk why I did. I mean I have his number memorized. So it doesnt really matter. I just part of me always feels like a bother and i just wanted to try and separate myself from him and relax and just idk. Its not like I'm seeing him anyway right now he's 3 hrs or so away so ya. He has lots of other patients he's dealing with and doesn't need me to add onto that list.

College!

So I had my first day of classes. My roommates are awesome--they are super pretty and go out and stuff. I love it.
I do miss my therapist a lot though.
Sorry I haven't written much or been commenting and shit. I've been super busy and don't know how much blogging I'll be able to do. :(
I've been eating very little. Idk I just haven't had much of an appetite. Last Wednesday I weighed 140.5 lbs and then last thursday I weighed 142 lbs. Thursday I left for college.....and I don't have a scale....but my roommate does and I just couldn't resist....I weighed myself after dinner/after eating all day and shit and I just don't think it was accurate. It told me I was 130.5
I really hate numbers but I just don't see how that is possible.
I mean I def do want to loose weight.
This cafeteria food is a lot healthier.
I'm working out though and I am eating.
I am taking really good classes too.
Idk what else to write :/

Vacation!!

I'm leaving tomorrow AM and going to spend the weekend...or well until Monday AM with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I'm excited. They are renting a gorgeous house on the beach.
Not excited to wear my bathing suit. We'll see how that goes.
Sorry I haven't commented.
Life has been sooo busy. Just go go go go all day. When I get some down time I promise I will read and comment....I really care about you guys and thanks so much for leaving comments. It means A LOT!!!!!!!

And GUESSS WHAT!!!!! I'm soooo happy :)
My therapist was like so when do you leave for school. I go next Thursday. He goes so am I seeing you Monday? I go as of right now no. He goes we'll why not? And blah blahh and added me to his schedule :) yayyayyy
That makes me so happy I get to see him again.
He is amazing.
I could not imagine life without him. He is my savior. Well God's my savior. But he's my second savior. :-)
He is amazing. Amazing. The best psychologist in the worlddddd!!! haha granted I am biased but I mean hes just awesome :)

I have a demonologist appt monday and he was like so how do they do that? is it a lazar? I go "I don't know" and then he asked another question and I go "I don't know" and then maybe he asked something else too and I said "I don't know" LOL and he goes...."I don't know why I keep doing that you already told me you don't know. When my wife does that to me and I say 'I don't know' to her and she keeps asking me and I say 'I don't know' then I go 'I don't know would you like me to change my answer?'"
HAHHAA I love him. He's like then she gets annoyed. lolzzzz
:-)
And he just gets me and is chill and just is amazing at listening and doesn't judge me or criticize me for the destructive behaviors I do--all he does is question my thoughts, question my beliefs and constantly beat down on me--in a nice way tho--sometimes I don't even realize he is doing.

But I'm doing well. I mean I guess. Not really. I am eating and working out. Like I'm not loosing weight but its not like I like my body. So in my opinion it doesnt matter--I'm still not doing well because I'm not happy.

Thanks for the comments :-) it makes my day :-)

Done with work for the summer....?? What!?! :)

So yes-I am done working for the summer. Well okay I'm working for maybe 3 hours today but its not for the regular family I work for. So it's different. Yesterday was my first day off. I went to target and a mall. Got all sorts of fun goodies :) Spent way to much money might I add but had fun. I went by myself and wore my hearing aids. A "homework" assignment from my therapist. Oh idk why I listen to him!??!?? And do what he says. Maybe it's because he's the only one that listens and cares about me. I mean yall listen to me too :) and hear all my crap which is great and awesome but you know what I mean? I think.

By the way--thank you ALL for the amazing thoughts on hearing aids. I seriously never would of imagined some of the comments. Part of my mind is of course saying--oh they are just saying that, oh they are making that up, oh they are being nice...etc...etc....but part of me really wants to believe that I can be semi-normal and have friends and have a boyfriend with them. Thats my dream. But to be honest--I just don't see why any boy would want a girl with hearing aids.
And thanks for the text this morning lulu :)

So yesterday--oh my gosh! Such an INTENSE workout. My shirt was soaked...SOAKED in sweat. hahaa literally. not kidding. I needed it though.

I'm off to go see the podiatrist because I'm tired of getting shin splits and I'm going to see if he thinks I should get orthotics. We'll see what he says. Then off to babysit for a bit. Then might come home or just go straight to therapy. Then after therapy I'm going to the gym. So then I'd be home around 8. And then shower and eat.

I've been eating a lot lately. My weights not changing.
My life is going to be completely different in exactly ONE WEEK. I will be moving into my dorm room....next Thursday am.

But ummm....kashi oatmeal chocolate cookies---ummm just bought them yesterday and damn are they good.
My breakfast today was 2 of those and an egg. I gave in to the urge/craving. I know all urges go away and cravings sometimes too. But I just decided to listen to it. Sometimes I just have too. Usually I end up eating more crap later when I avoid my cravings.

So it's my last time seeing my therapist :(
I'm going to miss him. ummm...A LOT. like A LOT. he is the most amazing person I've ever met.
On monday we talked about choices and decisions. And we have the power to make choices and decisions in life. And he was bascially talking to me about this situations with a friend and her view on hearing aids and then my view. And how much of a freak I think I am when I wear them...and he said you have data...you have two sides to choose from/to believe and you tend to gravitate towards the negative...Idk if yall really want to know what we talk about I can maybe write more. Sometimes its too personal and thats the beauty of therapy.
But on monday he seriously helped me out a ton. He beat down on my thoughts. And questioned lots of my irrational thoughts and we just talked and it was just amazing.
Oh I am going to miss him.
Who knows if I'll see him again. Well as a patient of his that is. I'm sure I'd see him around but Idk how much longer I'm going to see him. Going off to school and stuff sometimes makes shit confusing.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I will comment soon/I'll try to ladies!!

Thoughts are so powerful!!!

Quick post---going to go to bed

Thanks for the comments--I will respond later!! SORRYYY!!!
Love you guys tho!!!

So tonight I saw some friends. I really wanted to go to the gym for an hour after my therpy session....I havn't been since LAST FRIDAY so its going to be 6 days of no gym! I am going tomorrow no matter what!!! Long story for why I couldnt/decided not to go. But I walked a bit and didnt eat anything today so whatever.

But thoughts are so powerful and I'm so glad I saw my therapist tonight.
He is amazing. Hes so easy to talk to. He's making me wear my hearing aids with my hair pulled back/in a pony tail to see him. I'm going to be coming from work on monday so he isn't making me wear them to babysitting but to see him he really wants me to.
My last time with him is on Monday.
:(
I didn't want to see my therapist but I'm so glad I saw him tonight.
LOVE IT!!!
<3

I promise I'll read blogs when I get home!!

I've been so bad--sorry.
Yesterday woke up early then knowing me and my family didnt leave till 9am. we were planning on like 7am and then drove...and drove...and stopped for gas...and drove...and drove...stopped to go to bathroom...and drove etc etc unti midnight.
Finally home.

Anyway-after my long journey I'm home.
About to go to work right after my shower and then seeing my psychologist later tonight.
Blahhhhh

But I was like FOR SURE I gained weight. I did not exercise. I hung out with my friends. Ate all day. And ate crap. And do you know what pralines are?? Praline cookies that is?? Ya lets just say I ate at least 4 BIG ones of those yesterday :(
SO sweet--sooo UNHEALTHY!!!!!
I saw changes in my body. I feel FAT. I feel HUGE. The number didn't change. I was shocked.

Thats all.
I have to run. I'm dreading therapy tho. I dont know why. Probably because I feel huge and dont want to leave this bed.

Healthy?

First off--thank you everyone for leaving such wonderful comments. It means a lot to me. Not everyone thinks like you guys do. So thanks. It made me really happy to hear all of that. I hope to one day feel fully comfortable. I think the hardest part is like friends, family and people that have known me all my life have never known I have hearing loss or imagined I'd ever have hearing aids in my opinion....so its just hard...I guess I'm having trouble with my old friends--people in the past--people that new me before I got the hearing aids--do i just wear my hair up and let them see it? do i talk to them about it? do i just ate like its no big deal and just relax? i dont want it to be a big deal. i dont!!! i dont want them to notice. i dont want it to be a big issue--but im just really insecure.

I'm eating well. Haven't been exercising lately. Right now I'm in this place where I'm not happy with myself at all, not happy with my body etc etc but I eat. And eat a shit load. Its just hard. Like am I healthy because of the food I eat/number of calories I eat??? But I don't feel healthy because to me healthy is loving yourself and being good to yourself and just happy.

Its nice saying by to my college friends from last year. Its good to see them. I'm happy I'm here but its also sad and hard. I'm torn. I hope I'm making the right decision by transferring.
I don't know what else to blog or write about.
My therapist is awesome.
It's crazy how I can be so happy and love my friends but then just be really unhappy and sad and not want to see anyone and hate my therapist.

I got lunch today with a gorgeousss gorgeousss friend whos hearing impaired. Much more than I am.
We got lunch and frozen yogurt too!!
It was yummy!!
Heres a picture of the frozen yogurt and my left over panini is underneath.



Oh and I went out to dinner with my mom last night! Had an amazing raspberry pear salad!! It was soo good! With a raspberry vinaigrette. It was one of my friends birthdays so we got a little silly/drunk :) I wasn't really drunk though and then the cops came and busted this party we were at. No fun :(
They had an ice luge, jungle juice, beer, shots, lots of shit and crazy people.