Anxious about the night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omggggzzzzzz

Yay for actually having "followers" lol
So I got off work 3 hours early tonight!
Which was niceeee.

My grandma is not doing well :(
She doesn't have much longer.
So sad.

I hope I'm done eating for the night.
Right this very moment I have NOOOO idea how many calories I've consumed. Scary! Scary! Very scary!!

So about 4 hours after I ate my post-workout meal (I wasn't even hungry!....like idk why the hell I ate....I ate just for the heck of it!) I had lots of water before my meal. I ate this:



A low carb tortilla (50 calories) with 6 slices of oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45 calories) and 15 baby carrots (55 calories?)
So I've consumed about 580 calories so far....

Worked for another hour and a half or so....

Then had a 100 calorie pack of almonds.



Then cut up a pear and put it in the microwave and sprinkled it with cinnamon.

Hmmmm....I feel sooooo SILLYYY writing everthing I eat. Like who really careS? haha aagain tho I am just doing this for me so whateves hahaa I'm going to continue.

Then like 30 minutes later I decided I should have some "dinner" so I ate 2 cold protein pumpkin pancakes that I made a few days ago and were in the fridge. soooo yummyyy!!! That was 60 calories. Then I had 15 slices of cucumbers with some hummus (maybe 70?) and a small banana (90?) with some teddies peanut butter and flaxseeds (150?), a low carb tortilla (50) with teddies peanut butter and flaxseeds (190), 1 slice of white bread (65) with teddies and flaxseeds (130?) and a diet coke with lime (BECAUSE I NEED TO DRINK MORE FLUIDSS!!! I'm usually too busyy stuffing my face!!!!!!!!)

Omggg I love peanut butter soo much.

Hmmmmmmmmm so about 1600 calories today. Ok. I need to stop.
About.....
140 g of carbs
97 g of protein
47 g of fiber
I'm going to try and just clear my mind. Journal through some things hmmmm....idk. I hope thats accurate.

Something I've realized....my metabolism is probably getting faster....because when I used to "binge" on like 800 or 1000 calories at once and for that to be my big meal all week I'd look 9 months pregnant!!!! Seriously--I sooo would. Now....I don't usually...I mean last night I def looked pregnant but I ate way more than I should have!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to stop worrying about food. I just want to be pretty. I want to be loved. I want to be cared about. I want to actually enjoy life and just be a college student!/kid!
You know why I love kids so much?? Because they love me. No matter if I'm HUGE they still give me kisses and hug me and say "I love you" and run around with me and play with me. I want to stop being a loser. I want to feel normal. Okay seriously tho--like hearing aids. okay maybe there not as common with teenagers...especially if you can't tell from their voice that they having hearing loss....i.e. ME....you cannot tell from my voice....and I'm not just saying that because it's me....you really can't....but isn't it just like wearing glasses or contacts? You have trouble seeing--you wear glasses. And thats okay. (In general) You don't get made fun of...people don't stare at you! people wouldn't think its weird to get glasses but then hearing aids? ummm ya. i feel like a loser and hide my feelings inside. hide my life behind my hair.

<3
Quotes
<3
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind.

When You Say 'No Thank You' To Food, You say 'Yes, Please!' To Thin.

My dream bodyyyyyyyyyy





I'm so bored. Idk what I'm going to do. Maybe write to a friend or make some protein pumpkin pancakes thingyyy and put them in the fridge. hmmmm idk! lol Maybe read a book. hmmm who knows. or just spend more time on the internet.

So I was reading Rachaels blog and I think I figured out something......I get mad and annoyed pretty easily. And yeah maybe the "situation" made me upset but I think a bigger thing for me to realize and that I just realized was it's probably me getting mad at ME. I'm my worst enemy. I'm upset with me....for eating, bingeing, not throwing up, not working out etc etc so I yell or get upset at someone or am rude when in reality I'm just mad at myself and take it out on me.

Hmmm....self-talk.....we all do it!!!!!!!

You can feel calm or worried, depending on what you tell yourself. Your self-talk can influence your self-esteem, outlook, energy level, relationships with others and how you experience life. It can even affect your health, determining, for example, how you handle stressful events, or how easily you replace unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones.

Focusing only on problems: This is the essence of complaining.We dwell on the problem, instead of solutions. Instead: Assume most problems have solutions and ask "How do I want this situation to be different?"

Catastrophizing: Every bad thing that happens is a horrible disaster. Instead: learn to be more realistic.

Expecting the worst: "What if he doesn't like me?", "What if I don't pass the exam?" Expecting the worst does not encourage you to behave effectively. Expecting the worst promotes anxiety.

My therapist has told me I'm catastrophizing. Catastrophizing a problem with thoughts I'm having. Pretty common I think. Well maybe not. I know I shouldn't.

**Update:
hmmmmmmm me a failure.
I ate a mini bag of smart pop kettlecorn (100 cal) and a LUNA vanilla almond bar (190) so now I'm at like 1900 calories today. great......that number scares me....scares me like shit. I can't take it. I'm telling myself you ruined it you might as well eat more you fat cow. But I'm glad....I fought off the urge and did not eat more. It was close. I almost did. But I didn't. Typical day----tons and tons of calories. Have I told myself how awesome I am recently????? hahaha NO! because I'm not. all I am is fat and worthless :(

Sleeping makes everything better.

Thank you Gigi, Twigs Can Fly and Rainbow Rachel for helping me keep my head up.
I really appreciate it. All the love and support I can get right now since I don't get it from my family means the world.

Sleeping does make everything better.
Once I finally am asleep that is. I hate nights when my head is just tossing and turning and spinning and my thoughts and running my life. It is never fun--unfortunately my nights are often like that.

But this morning I woke up and felt good!!
I got up ass up to the gym.
I woke up around 8:45am...and left for the gym. I was going to a class at 9:30 and it's an intense class. If I eat anything before I'd puke. So I don't eat anything before and hey I like it that way. Word on the street is that you burn more fat not eating anything before you work out and just get up and go. Yet before things said differently and to eat a little something before working out. Blah blah whatever. I usually don't eat anything before working out.

It's crazy how much skinnier I was at this time last year!!!!! UGH I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT! It just makes me depressed.
This isn't at my skinniest but here's a picture and I guess I look pretty good....IDK but I remember feeling HUGEE and not thin at all!!!!!!!!!!!! Not positive how much I weighed here....but def had food issues then...

(picture removed)

Ugh enough about the past.

My workout today went like this:
*1 hour of sport circuit class (I really pushed myself. was sweating a lot by the end.)
*treadmill ran for 10 minutes burned 130 calories (ran on 6.7 mph so I ran 1 mile in 8:58 (slow. i know. fml. yet i just did an hour of intense stuff so whatever. fml tho. and then for the last minute I ran on 8.8 mph)
*treadmill walked burned 30 calories
*3x of 10 hip abductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip adductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip abductors on 80
*3x of 10 hip adductors on 80
*stairs for 20 minutes burned 205 calories

Total: 365 calories burned + 1 hour of sport circuit class

Right after I finished running for 10 minutes one of the personal trainers came up to me and was like "are you trying to kill yourself what are you doing" ahhaa or said something maybe he asked if "i got killed in the class" because he saw me in the class and i saw him and i like made a gun with my hand and put it up the my head because i was dying and i saw him laugh :)
He's a sweetheart. I really like most of the personal trainers at the gym and they all recognize me/know me for the most part hahaa I've been going there really since my whole body image and food issues really started (i think?) I've been going there for a little over 2 years.

So I feel like I had a pretty good work out.
My shirt was literally soaked. Good thing I was wearing a white shirt!!! I hate when I'm wearing colored shirts and it's like ughh gross sweat. And when he did come over to talk to me I was like aww he came over to talk to me....and i look a MESS!!!!! hahaa blah blah im just rambling.

Ok-so I came home....I was pretty hungry.
So I ate....
I really love feeling IN CONTROL. LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT. So I need to be in control. But I also know I set myself up for failure everytime I say no no no no no eating today no no no no. I just know I do. Maybe I USED to be able to do that. But for some reason I CAN'T seem to do that anymore.
So I'm really struggling with listening to the voice inside my head saying "Alright-fine-your going to eat....but you do realize all your going to get is fat and your never going to loose weight" and the other voice is saying "Listen you have some food issues...but you work out quiet a bit. And don't want to set urself up for a binge so just eat like 1200-1500 calories a day and eat healthy and work out and you will still loose weight." And then the other voice comes back and says...."How many times have you told yourself your going to eat 1500 calories and NOT binge????????? (the answer: A LOT!)"

Anyway-this is what I ate. I know....it doesn't look that appetizing but whateverrr!!!!



It tasted good to me.
So I drank 1 cup of almond breeze milk (40 cal) with 1 scoop of whey chocolate protein (120)
2 eggs (140), 1/2 cup egg whites (60), 1 tbsp flax seeds (30), 1 tbsp wheat germ (25), 1 tsp psyllium husks (15) and sprinkled some salt on top for flavor.
So......I consumed about 430 calories (17.7-8.5 = 9.2 net g carbs and 52 g protein)

I feel pretty content and full. I'm going to try to plan out my eating for like a while so I really eat healthy and stay on track and try to just be OKAY.

I'm screaming inside

My insides are bursting.

I just want to be happy. I just remembering life before this food crazy life started. I didn't care what I put into my mouth. I didn't count calories. I didn't even think about "calories." I didn't weigh myself every day....didn't weigh myself more than once a day...correction....I don't think I even weighed myself at all!!!!! I'd run around making jokes with friends. I LOVED life. I loved everything I did. I remember always having a smile on my face and it actually being a true smile. Nowadays---I have a smile on my face...usually. But is it real? No.

I remember being in my short cheerleading uniform and loving every minute. Not caring about how much I weighed. I used to love life. I don't know where that "me" is anymore.

I miss so many things.

I wish life was different.

I realize that the more I tell myself "you are only eating 800 calories" "you cannot eat today" "you eat like a big"....the more food thoughts I have...the more i eat!!!!!!!!!!! The more I'm aware of not allowing myself food. The more I give in and crave it. Because in my "mind" I don't want to eat and don't think I'm going to so my mind freaks out and I eat a ton. Even though I hardly ever restrict anymore (in my eyes...and in other peoples too...I mean really I really don't anymore) I will eat a shit load anyway.

I had pizza tonight. FAT FAT FAT me. I ate a shit load of stuff.

WHATS NEW!?!?!?!?!!!

I just want my therapist to come back.
I just want to go on vacation.
I just want to stay in bed foreverrrrrrr.

I'm waking up early to go to a gym class. :(

I really don't want to fill out this damn health form. Thats all thats on my mind. And that I want to text my psychologist but I know I really should not!

???

Today was horrible. I need to get back on track.
Eating when not hungry is no fun. I ate a shit load today. Feel horrible. Feel completely bloated and just MAD! I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life.

I'm really missing my therapist. It's only the beginning of the month and you say I have to last until the very end of July with no contact with him??
:(
I miss him. Hes the only one that understands me. I mean I could text him. But I don't want to. I don't want to bother him. I want him to relax and enjoy his vacation.
I'm a mess right now.
I have to complete this form for my new school. Yeah--of course...a health form with like your history and like your WEIGHT and a physical and stuff. Great...this means I need to go to my doctor....get a physical....and step on a scale. something i DON'T want to do. If I don't submit it by July 16th I won't be able to attend. Hmmmmmm. WHAT TO DO! LIKE I REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want someone to weigh me. I really want to text my therapist and tell him I'm so freaked out and tell him that I just want him to call them and tell them "don't weigh her"
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iaghovszkldxchilnjasvjknfwesdoijlknsd

Ugh.
Fat me.
Who will never ever ever loose any weight at the rate you've been going.

Food.

Food consumes my thoughts too often. Every second of my life really.

I have to run to work.

Let's just say I need to be more realistic so I don't completely set my self up for epic failure. How my life has been since January. Failure failure failure. Which is the reason why I really don't have an eating disorder. Yeah I've been told I have EDNOS and I was diagnosed with bulimia (?) but in my opinion i had/never even had Bulimia. I maybe have a lot of issues with food...ya...ok...but i dont have an eating disorder....im not loosing weight!!! so no eating disorder for me!!! I'm not loosing weight. Yeah mabye I'm depressed and have lots of irrational thoughts. But it's all I know. It's just me and my life. It's what I'm going to have to live with.

Workout:
stairs for 60 minutes (level 10) burned 590 calories
treadmill walked for 15 minutes on 10 incline at 3 mph burned 130 calories

Post-workout:
FOOD FOOD FOOD on my mind!!!!
2 cups of almond milk (80) with 2 scoops of whey chocolate protein powder (240)
gala apple with 2 tbsp teddies flaxseed peanut butter (180)

I AM ADDICTED TO PEANUT BUTTER. I WISH I WAS ALLERGIC!!!!

Then I had 28 blue diamond almonds (160 calories)
Which is now lke 740 calories total....so I just ate more than I just burned. great.....

Then I took a shower......food still on my mind
Ate 2 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (60 calories)
800 calories total.....
Then had a low carb tortilla with teddies peanut butter and chia seeds.
GREAT........
I'm just awesome!!!

My life sucks.

My life really does suck.

I have so many insecurities.

I hate my body.
-Even though my arms are pretty toned compared to my friends I hate the fat I find on them
-I hate the stretch marks I have
-I hate my nose
-I hate my wrists (they are too fat)
-I hate my double chin
-I hate the lines on my neck
-I hate that my collar bone doesn't stick out

Shall I go on?????

The real problem that I have......is.....I can't accept myself....I can't accept myself for who I am. I can't accept my weight. I can't accept my flaws. I can't accept my thunder thighs. I can't accept the fact that I wear hearing aids. Yupp. You heard me right. I wear hearing aids. No one knows except my family and a FEW friends. I don't even know if my therapist knows/has seen them. I wear my hair down. They look like this.





I have A LOT of normal hearing. Yet can and do benefit from hearing aids. When I talk. I talk normally. You cannot tell I have hearing loss.
I hate people knowing. I am really insecure about it. If I have to wear my hair up. Chances are I just wont wear my hearing aids. They have really helped me. They've helped me not say "what?" or "huh?" and asking people to repeat things. You know I'm sorry guys---sorry for not hearing you. It's heartbreaking to have someone yell at me when I didn't hear them the first time. Yeah--I understand it's a inconvenience for you, but it's an inconvenience for me too.
Anyway-I'm really insecure about it. I just got them in August 2009. Haven't even had them for a year.
I think I'm weird, a freak, get way to many stares and just have so many problems.

I'm usually fine wearing it when I'm some place where I'm either never going again or won't really run into too many people. Sometimes I have this care-free attitude. Like I'm usually fine wearing it around people I don't know. But around people I do know/used to know me---I have a really hard time wearing them. And like next year at school--omg going to have a really hard time. I like to keep it a secret for as long as possible. I seem to love keeping secrets. Holding in little secrets that just I know about.

Yet...now a bunch of people know about it...but uhhhh I don't even think anyone reads this damn blog hahaa.

Failure. ohh...ya....thats me.

I hate myself.

End of story.

I have so many problems.

I hate feeling alone. Fix that...I hate living life alone. I hate not being understood. I had not having someone to just give me the most amazing hug and tell me that everything will be okay. I miss hugs. I need more of that in my life. I want someone to love me.

I did work out today.
This was my workout:
-stairs for 10 minutes burned 100 cal
-3x of 15 side of ears, skull crushers, side to side with 15 lb dumbells
-3x of 20 sumo squats with 30 lbs and 15 leg lifts (on a slant!)
-3x of 10 arm curls with 17.5 lb dumbells and 10 straight arm liffts out to side with 10 lb dumbbells
-stairs (really slow) for 45 minutes burned 330 cal
-bike for 20 minutes burned 125 cal
-3x of 10 of the hip adductor on 80
-3x of 10 of the hip abductor on 80
-30 leg presses on 140

but fuck my work out. i ate like a pig today. so screw me!!!