Here on this blog....
I can be me.
I feel safe.
I feel okay.
I feel like I can be honest.
I trust you guys.
I'd love to share my new blog with you guys.
I am keeping this blog.
I'm not ready to give it up.
I'd appreciate any comments though about my new blog to be on THIS blog. PLEASE.
Because I don't want anyone who reads my current blog (not that I think anyone does....) but I don't want it to trace back to this blog. so please....please...respect my wishes!!! PLEASE!!!! Unless you leave a comment with your name or something then that is okay! As long as your blog isn't attached and people can't click on your blog!
Thank you for respecting my wishes.
[removed]
I'm not going to leave that address up too long.....just as an fyi
I hope if you want to check it out you do and PLEASE tell me what you think....because I would LOVE to know!
(My about section doesn't have anything about my struggles or if you think it does and i just am unaware please let me know...i know its not good im not being totally honest but i am NOT ready to be totally honest and for people to know....i just am not..and because i am not ready i really dont want people to know or share stuff i dont want to. so i hope you respect that. and understand when im ready i will share that if i even want to.)
Things have been okay.
I see my therapist tomorrow.
Which I am thrilled.
He is always amazing and so helpful.
But I need thoughts on something...
I've been awfully depressed.
It is not good.
Worst than when I was at school. This past week its just been never ending. I've had two good days. Today was better than usual and then a day a few days ago or whatever. IDK. But I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Monday....so January 3rd....except....I would be paying for it....all $575 it cost for the initial appointment....I am not willing to talk to my mom about it and she would want me to go to someone who is covered by insurance or someone else....and I've tried to get meds from other people! They won't give it to me. I'm convinced they didn't give it to me because I don't need meds and meds won't fix my problems...but my therapist thinks its because I wasn't honest with them.....
I've called some people that are on my insurance plan....some havent called back...one of them I've been playing phone tag with but I haven't heard from him in a week or so...so I doubt I'm going to hear from him again.
So I just am so torn! The inital appt is $575 and the follow ups are around $375 (i believe he said) anyway....who knows how many times I'm going to have to go or if I'm even going to get meds out of this whole process and if meds will even help me.
I ran 22 miles last week!
Thats good I guess.
And I don't run every day. I ran like 4 days last week.
I really need a nice healthy clense though. Like just nutritious and healthy food. Eating still of course like around 1600 calories or so but I just have been bingeing so much at home and it just SUCKS. and it no fun!!! Any tips or suggestions on bingeing???? I just binge sooo much!!!!! Or I have been bingeing a lot and it sucks.....i just eat...and eat...even if im hungry...i still eat.
EATING WON'T FIX MY EMOTIONS OR PROBLEMS.
EATING DOESNT FIX ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
Night guys.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
I love God!! (I wish I loved my body the same)
First off--THANK YOU all for the lovely comments :-)
It was so nice and means the world to me!!!!! I love getting comments! Sorry I don't leave too many comments anymore. I will try to get better. Right now is also really hard because its finals week and thats CRUNCH time!!!! So that means....well I finished my first semester (TODAY!!!! YAYYY) and only have exams left and I will be home soon but lots of crazzy studying is NEEDED!!!!!!!!
anyone use twitter?
I love God.
Its hard because my food issues tear us further and further away.
But he has a special place in my heart and in my life.
And when I am just able to be with him and pray with him and talk to him...it is the most amazing feeling.
You are never alone girls!!! Even if you don't believe in him I believe that he is with you so its okay you really are never alone.
Someones always going through the same thing as you too. Even if it doesn't FEEL that way.
So a quick post...or I want to try to make it quick because it's already almost midnight and I have yet to do any work!!
But...
This week thankfully has only gotten better. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough for me.
I was just feeling really out of control.
And I hate when I get like that.
I can't think rationally.
I am a mess.
I don't accomplish anything (like school work)
And I just HATE it.
And I don't know why....why that happened....I've been eating normally.
I thank the Lord for my therapist every single day.
I obviously am biased but I believe I have the best therapist ever :-D
Okay okay...there are other VERY GOOD therapist out there too. But my therapist is the best for me. And thats what's important. You're therapist has to be the best for you. Or at least someone who you trust, respect, enjoy talking to, listens well, understands you, and wants the very best for you. The therapist should also be professional.
He is the father I never had.
He knows everything.
I get annoyed at him. I've yelled at him.
He gets annoyed at me. He's been very stern and serious with me.
But the best part about us each getting frustrated at one another is it shows how honest and open we are with one another. I've seen MANY other therapists and at times I feel like they are "higher" than me and I can't ever disagree....or I can't be like I'm mad at you....I don't know why I think that way....because I shouldn't....but I have with other therapists.
Anyways I cut and binged and just was feeling awfully fat and disgusting...ya know the whole hate relationship with the body that goes on.
But I am very happy with myself.
Because.....
lately my head gets to me when I run on the treadmill....
my head plays too many games with me....
but tonight i said to myself....your gonna go and run and....and run for YOU....run for HAPPINESS....run to FEEL BETTER...run and have alone time....time with yourself...and time with God.
And I did just that!!!
I ran about an 8:30 mile pace.
I ran 8 miles :-)
It took me 67:02 mins.
The treadmill was annoying because after 60 mins it puts you in the "cool down" mode....and it went to 4.5 mph and I had to increase it back up to my running pace and then shortly after it would go back down to 4.5 and i'd increase it again and run more...and then it'd go back down...and i'd have to increase it again....okay okay okay you get the idea!!! lol :-)
So that was annoying....but it was okay.
I am just so proud.
I am just so proud because I beat my damn negative thoughts.
I beat them and destroyed them.
I just maybe....maybe was so happy in my shower after my run that I had a few tears of joy :-)
I kept telling myself "go go gadget legs" on my run and "how great is it going to feel after this run is done"
Thats the longest run I've ever done on the treadmill
I hope this week is better and I love myself and try to love my body better.
It was so nice and means the world to me!!!!! I love getting comments! Sorry I don't leave too many comments anymore. I will try to get better. Right now is also really hard because its finals week and thats CRUNCH time!!!! So that means....well I finished my first semester (TODAY!!!! YAYYY) and only have exams left and I will be home soon but lots of crazzy studying is NEEDED!!!!!!!!
anyone use twitter?
I love God.
Its hard because my food issues tear us further and further away.
But he has a special place in my heart and in my life.
And when I am just able to be with him and pray with him and talk to him...it is the most amazing feeling.
You are never alone girls!!! Even if you don't believe in him I believe that he is with you so its okay you really are never alone.
Someones always going through the same thing as you too. Even if it doesn't FEEL that way.
So a quick post...or I want to try to make it quick because it's already almost midnight and I have yet to do any work!!
But...
This week thankfully has only gotten better. Monday and Tuesday were pretty rough for me.
I was just feeling really out of control.
And I hate when I get like that.
I can't think rationally.
I am a mess.
I don't accomplish anything (like school work)
And I just HATE it.
And I don't know why....why that happened....I've been eating normally.
I thank the Lord for my therapist every single day.
I obviously am biased but I believe I have the best therapist ever :-D
Okay okay...there are other VERY GOOD therapist out there too. But my therapist is the best for me. And thats what's important. You're therapist has to be the best for you. Or at least someone who you trust, respect, enjoy talking to, listens well, understands you, and wants the very best for you. The therapist should also be professional.
He is the father I never had.
He knows everything.
I get annoyed at him. I've yelled at him.
He gets annoyed at me. He's been very stern and serious with me.
But the best part about us each getting frustrated at one another is it shows how honest and open we are with one another. I've seen MANY other therapists and at times I feel like they are "higher" than me and I can't ever disagree....or I can't be like I'm mad at you....I don't know why I think that way....because I shouldn't....but I have with other therapists.
Anyways I cut and binged and just was feeling awfully fat and disgusting...ya know the whole hate relationship with the body that goes on.
But I am very happy with myself.
Because.....
lately my head gets to me when I run on the treadmill....
my head plays too many games with me....
but tonight i said to myself....your gonna go and run and....and run for YOU....run for HAPPINESS....run to FEEL BETTER...run and have alone time....time with yourself...and time with God.
And I did just that!!!
I ran about an 8:30 mile pace.
I ran 8 miles :-)
It took me 67:02 mins.
The treadmill was annoying because after 60 mins it puts you in the "cool down" mode....and it went to 4.5 mph and I had to increase it back up to my running pace and then shortly after it would go back down to 4.5 and i'd increase it again and run more...and then it'd go back down...and i'd have to increase it again....okay okay okay you get the idea!!! lol :-)
So that was annoying....but it was okay.
I am just so proud.
I am just so proud because I beat my damn negative thoughts.
I beat them and destroyed them.
I just maybe....maybe was so happy in my shower after my run that I had a few tears of joy :-)
I kept telling myself "go go gadget legs" on my run and "how great is it going to feel after this run is done"
Thats the longest run I've ever done on the treadmill
I hope this week is better and I love myself and try to love my body better.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Haven't blogged in a while
I haven't blogged in a while.
So...life...
Well I came home for thanksgiving break...I've lost some weight since the start of school...which is GOOD!! In the beginning it was probably due to restricting. I definitely restricted a lot more in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm eating an average of say 1600-2000 calories a day...sometimes more...sometimes slightly less....I am lifting weights and working out....
Okay anyway...thanksgiving wasn't that great. I ate too much. Way too much.
I SAW the weight. SAW IT!!! SAW IT CREEPING ON ME!!!! I LOOKED DISGUSTING AND BLOATED!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I need to just not have the mentality that I need to eat everything.
Luckily--all that weight I gained is slowly disappearing from just eating healthier and idk....it just has gone down i feel it and see it since I was home.
I ran that race on thanksgiving. It was a 6 mile race and I did it in 49:10 (I believe) I'm not sure of the exact time because they haven't posted it online :-( ughh!!!!
In regards to my disordered eating/food habits...
I am thinking I want to start a new blog.
A fresh one.
One that I am going to enjoy and hopefully that will be happy feelings.
I'll take more pictures of my food.
I'll still talk about my life and my struggles.
But not as much.
DEFINITELY not as much.
No way am I comfortable talking about the AWFUL AWFUL binges I've had....or the throwing up...or the extreme restricting....or the days where I burn over 1000 calories at the gym for feeling so damn guilty.
My most recent binge was an ENTIRE big bag of pretzel m&m's. UGH. LETS NOT GO THERE THO! it was awful. awful. idk why i bought it. why!?!??!!! Earlier that day I remember I binged on lots of fruit in my room too.
But see to me...bingeing on fruit may seem "healthier" but in my mind its not.
It's still a binge.
I still feel guilty, disgusting and out of control.
I still often feel fat, I often think my thighs are the most disgusting things ever are really big, I pinch my body, I pinch my fat, I compare myself to other girls. I still often get depressed too.
I still do all that.
I am in no way cured. Not yet that is. But I one day will. I will.
I think I am making this sound worse than it is....
Really...I mean I am eating a lot more, seeing good results by lifting heavier weights (like loosing inches) and hanging out with hot boys by the weights is ALWAYS a plus :-)
Seriously.
:-)
But I am doing well. I am.
Theres hope out there girls.
Just keep beating those irrational thoughts.
It's hard. It's not easy.
But it's what we got to do.
No one deserves to be unhappy.
No one deserves to suffer like this.
Calories won't make our lives better as much as we THINK it will.
Just because we think something doesn't mean we are right.
A thought is just a neuron firing in the brain. Did you know that??
We have TONS of thoughts throughout the day. Most we don't pay attention to. We also choose what thoughts we want to listen to and which ones we don't. Did you know that??
Do you not believe me?
Do you not believe me that just because we think something doesn't mean we are right?
Well...here's an example...
You are walking down a crowded hallway in school carrying lots of books.
Someone bumps into you from behind.
You fall to the ground and your books go everywhere.
You are EXTREMELY MAD and EMBARRASSED.
You start to yell at whoever that JERK was that pushed you over.
You turn around.
And you see the person.
And you realize they are blind.
How do you feel now....??
See....our thoughts are VERY powerful.
And they can change in an instant.
Calories and food won't make any of our problems better. They won't fix anything.
Oh and I saw my therapist over break.
It was really good to see him. He seriously makes everything better.
If I start a new blog hopefully those that are interested will read it <3
I'd love that.
But if you do...I would really respect it if you honored it and didn't make comments regarding this blog that I have now....any of my past...or anything that would not be appropriate to bring up.
And I hope you'd all respect that if you are interested. If you are interested let me know and I'll inform you whenever that new blog happens.
So...life...
Well I came home for thanksgiving break...I've lost some weight since the start of school...which is GOOD!! In the beginning it was probably due to restricting. I definitely restricted a lot more in the beginning of the school year. Now I'm eating an average of say 1600-2000 calories a day...sometimes more...sometimes slightly less....I am lifting weights and working out....
Okay anyway...thanksgiving wasn't that great. I ate too much. Way too much.
I SAW the weight. SAW IT!!! SAW IT CREEPING ON ME!!!! I LOOKED DISGUSTING AND BLOATED!!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I need to just not have the mentality that I need to eat everything.
Luckily--all that weight I gained is slowly disappearing from just eating healthier and idk....it just has gone down i feel it and see it since I was home.
I ran that race on thanksgiving. It was a 6 mile race and I did it in 49:10 (I believe) I'm not sure of the exact time because they haven't posted it online :-( ughh!!!!
In regards to my disordered eating/food habits...
I am thinking I want to start a new blog.
A fresh one.
One that I am going to enjoy and hopefully that will be happy feelings.
I'll take more pictures of my food.
I'll still talk about my life and my struggles.
But not as much.
DEFINITELY not as much.
No way am I comfortable talking about the AWFUL AWFUL binges I've had....or the throwing up...or the extreme restricting....or the days where I burn over 1000 calories at the gym for feeling so damn guilty.
My most recent binge was an ENTIRE big bag of pretzel m&m's. UGH. LETS NOT GO THERE THO! it was awful. awful. idk why i bought it. why!?!??!!! Earlier that day I remember I binged on lots of fruit in my room too.
But see to me...bingeing on fruit may seem "healthier" but in my mind its not.
It's still a binge.
I still feel guilty, disgusting and out of control.
I still often feel fat, I often think my thighs are the most disgusting things ever are really big, I pinch my body, I pinch my fat, I compare myself to other girls. I still often get depressed too.
I still do all that.
I am in no way cured. Not yet that is. But I one day will. I will.
I think I am making this sound worse than it is....
Really...I mean I am eating a lot more, seeing good results by lifting heavier weights (like loosing inches) and hanging out with hot boys by the weights is ALWAYS a plus :-)
Seriously.
:-)
But I am doing well. I am.
Theres hope out there girls.
Just keep beating those irrational thoughts.
It's hard. It's not easy.
But it's what we got to do.
No one deserves to be unhappy.
No one deserves to suffer like this.
Calories won't make our lives better as much as we THINK it will.
Just because we think something doesn't mean we are right.
A thought is just a neuron firing in the brain. Did you know that??
We have TONS of thoughts throughout the day. Most we don't pay attention to. We also choose what thoughts we want to listen to and which ones we don't. Did you know that??
Do you not believe me?
Do you not believe me that just because we think something doesn't mean we are right?
Well...here's an example...
You are walking down a crowded hallway in school carrying lots of books.
Someone bumps into you from behind.
You fall to the ground and your books go everywhere.
You are EXTREMELY MAD and EMBARRASSED.
You start to yell at whoever that JERK was that pushed you over.
You turn around.
And you see the person.
And you realize they are blind.
How do you feel now....??
See....our thoughts are VERY powerful.
And they can change in an instant.
Calories and food won't make any of our problems better. They won't fix anything.
Oh and I saw my therapist over break.
It was really good to see him. He seriously makes everything better.
If I start a new blog hopefully those that are interested will read it <3
I'd love that.
But if you do...I would really respect it if you honored it and didn't make comments regarding this blog that I have now....any of my past...or anything that would not be appropriate to bring up.
And I hope you'd all respect that if you are interested. If you are interested let me know and I'll inform you whenever that new blog happens.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Life.
So...
I currently just scrapped the peanut butter jar clean. mmm...wonderful. :(
Except I am not going to fret about it.
It was probably 2 servings worth. So yeah a lot of calories but whatever. I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at like 4am and it SUCKED staying in bed for a while doing nothing...thinking about food...whats new!!
Anyway...a friend e-mailed my therapist saying she was concerned about me and I know she probably mentioned that I threw up and was bitching about my body. I did NOT expect her to email my therapist though. I'm glad she told me she contacted my therapist rather than hearing it from my therapist. ugh.
I guess that just stresses me out. I don't want her to think I have an issue. Because yeah I did do that but I am SOOO much better than where I used to be. And my friend was just like you have a great body and don't need to worry about that. BLAHH!!! Umm sorry....have ya checked out my thighs or the rolls and rolls of my fat stomach?!? ugh I think not.
Sorry...I just NEEDED to VENT. My goodness.
So today's my day off from working out.
Sarah left a comment asking what my workouts are like. We'll....it depends...I currently am training or whatever ya wanna call it for a 6 mile race on Thanksgiving and hope I will be able to run a half marathon in March!!! That would be soo amazing. But my mind OFTEN gets to me when I run and tells me I can't do it/can't run that far etc etc...
But yesterday I worked my butt :-) woohoo I did 50 pushups (not woman ones either! :-) yayy) and Quads and Gluts and then ran a mile in 7:01 mins. I literally died after running that. I was exhausted.
I TRY to run about 11-15 miles a week. It's sometimes less. I weight train A LOT. Seriously you ladies out there--being toned is where it's at. Like my thighs I hate my inner thighs where all the fat is but my legs are pretty toned and my arms are pretty toned. My stomach...ehh not so much but it certainly has improved and gotten more toned. And when I said weight train.....I mean lift heavy...I lift heavy weights. I'll do barbell squats with 60 lbs and do lunges with a curl with 17.5 lb dumbbells and sumo squats with 60 lbs and you get the drift....But like I use 15 and 12.5 dumbbells for some things that are harder for me. Again its all whats heavy for you!!! you don't want to hurt yourself when your working out by lifting too heavy of a weight!!!
Life is blahh....so much work....literally so much work. I should get on that.
I'm just really stressed right now and I don't even know why!!
:-(
I am excited to go home soon.
I am excited to go to the gym, run my race, see my friends and hopefully go to church.
Oh and...I am speaking in a few weeks about my hearing aids....CRAP!!!! I'm so nervous!!! No one knows--not even my roommates...I'm speaking on this panel. Hopefully not too many people will go!!! lol
I currently just scrapped the peanut butter jar clean. mmm...wonderful. :(
Except I am not going to fret about it.
It was probably 2 servings worth. So yeah a lot of calories but whatever. I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed at like 4am and it SUCKED staying in bed for a while doing nothing...thinking about food...whats new!!
Anyway...a friend e-mailed my therapist saying she was concerned about me and I know she probably mentioned that I threw up and was bitching about my body. I did NOT expect her to email my therapist though. I'm glad she told me she contacted my therapist rather than hearing it from my therapist. ugh.
I guess that just stresses me out. I don't want her to think I have an issue. Because yeah I did do that but I am SOOO much better than where I used to be. And my friend was just like you have a great body and don't need to worry about that. BLAHH!!! Umm sorry....have ya checked out my thighs or the rolls and rolls of my fat stomach?!? ugh I think not.
Sorry...I just NEEDED to VENT. My goodness.
So today's my day off from working out.
Sarah left a comment asking what my workouts are like. We'll....it depends...I currently am training or whatever ya wanna call it for a 6 mile race on Thanksgiving and hope I will be able to run a half marathon in March!!! That would be soo amazing. But my mind OFTEN gets to me when I run and tells me I can't do it/can't run that far etc etc...
But yesterday I worked my butt :-) woohoo I did 50 pushups (not woman ones either! :-) yayy) and Quads and Gluts and then ran a mile in 7:01 mins. I literally died after running that. I was exhausted.
I TRY to run about 11-15 miles a week. It's sometimes less. I weight train A LOT. Seriously you ladies out there--being toned is where it's at. Like my thighs I hate my inner thighs where all the fat is but my legs are pretty toned and my arms are pretty toned. My stomach...ehh not so much but it certainly has improved and gotten more toned. And when I said weight train.....I mean lift heavy...I lift heavy weights. I'll do barbell squats with 60 lbs and do lunges with a curl with 17.5 lb dumbbells and sumo squats with 60 lbs and you get the drift....But like I use 15 and 12.5 dumbbells for some things that are harder for me. Again its all whats heavy for you!!! you don't want to hurt yourself when your working out by lifting too heavy of a weight!!!
Life is blahh....so much work....literally so much work. I should get on that.
I'm just really stressed right now and I don't even know why!!
:-(
I am excited to go home soon.
I am excited to go to the gym, run my race, see my friends and hopefully go to church.
Oh and...I am speaking in a few weeks about my hearing aids....CRAP!!!! I'm so nervous!!! No one knows--not even my roommates...I'm speaking on this panel. Hopefully not too many people will go!!! lol
Thursday, November 4, 2010
It's been a while....
Wow-It sure has been a while since I last posted!!
I love blogging but I'm also terrified someone I know will find this.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog--like about my life at school, work, food, fitness....and LESS about these destructive thoughts I have. But I think writing about my struggles that I don't share and about how I REALLY feel about my body is helpful.
I have no idea what I weigh. Last weighed myself almost a month ago. That terrifies me.
Sarah-you're comment the other day made my day :-)
So sweet of you. It means so much to me when people think about me--i mean i usually think about a lot of you all too and random people in life but it's just when you feel so hopeless you think otherwise.
Anyway--I think I'm going to try and blog more. It's a wonderful form of therapy.
No joke ate 5000 calories yesterday.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a WHILE.
I'll admit. I purged...twice yesterday but the second time was a struggle for me. I fear getting caught so much when I purge. I really like doing it. That sounds crazy and weird but it just helps me so much. Like I'm getting stuff out of me--everything out of me that sucks in life.
My therapist from back home is getting frustrated with me and feels helpless and is just annoyed at me. I don't blame him!! I mean I text him all the time and am "crying out for help" I mean I guess I am....I am...I am crying to him for help with my issues....but he really wants me to see someone on a daily basis and that can actually talk to me and not just text back and forth.
I really ought to stop texting him.
I guess I text him A LOT when I am lonely and feel crappy. He always knows what to say.
But I feel so bad when I text him!! I feel like such a bother and a pain. He sees so many other people--and I'm sure if I got these many issues lots of people have tons more than me.
He's just super super busy.
I've found myself getting super super depressed lately. It's NO fun!!!! I wish people took me seriously and saw how much pain I was in and that I actually could benefit from anti-depressants! But nope--everyone says I'm fine....so we'll that means I'm fine then...right...?!!!?!
I didn't work out yesterday.
I just finished an exam so that stressed me out.
I haven't TOUCHED the dessert bar at my school yet. The reason--I want to be "healthy" and I am TERRIFIED of the dessert bar. Once I go there once and break my good habit--disaster will strike!!!!
I think I'm going to make apple chips this weekend.....slice up some apples....put some lemon and cinnamon on them and then pop em in the oven! Sounds cool right!??!! lol and healthy! I guess...I mean it's just an apple!
I am trying to run a lot and work out a lot. I hope to run a half marathon in March!! Okay people--lifting weights and lifting heavy weights will seriously get you lean! I can't even tell you--like my stomach is looking amazing--except now its disgustingly bloated but l like four days ago or so my stomach was looking good. And I'm sure in a week or so after some clean eating and exercising my stomach will get back down. My legs look leaner. I could fit into these size 26 new jeans i got that I couldn't earlier this summer. Yet my other size 26 jeans I can fit into this summer. IDK!!! But I hope im not jinxing myself right now.
I have a shit ton of laundry to do today. What is everyone up to today??
How is everyone doing??? Please let me know!! I will try to check out peoples blogs and comment. It's hard. It's hard because I use this to vent and to write about my emotions and relate to people. And I offer words of care to people because I understand....and I get it...and life just sucks when the spiral keeps going down hill but I know I can only really care for myself and not really anyone else.
Any motivational quotes? Sayings? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas of a post to write??
okay well maybe I'll write again later today if not then this weekend or something =)
I love blogging but I'm also terrified someone I know will find this.
I'm thinking of starting a new blog--like about my life at school, work, food, fitness....and LESS about these destructive thoughts I have. But I think writing about my struggles that I don't share and about how I REALLY feel about my body is helpful.
I have no idea what I weigh. Last weighed myself almost a month ago. That terrifies me.
Sarah-you're comment the other day made my day :-)
So sweet of you. It means so much to me when people think about me--i mean i usually think about a lot of you all too and random people in life but it's just when you feel so hopeless you think otherwise.
Anyway--I think I'm going to try and blog more. It's a wonderful form of therapy.
No joke ate 5000 calories yesterday.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a WHILE.
I'll admit. I purged...twice yesterday but the second time was a struggle for me. I fear getting caught so much when I purge. I really like doing it. That sounds crazy and weird but it just helps me so much. Like I'm getting stuff out of me--everything out of me that sucks in life.
My therapist from back home is getting frustrated with me and feels helpless and is just annoyed at me. I don't blame him!! I mean I text him all the time and am "crying out for help" I mean I guess I am....I am...I am crying to him for help with my issues....but he really wants me to see someone on a daily basis and that can actually talk to me and not just text back and forth.
I really ought to stop texting him.
I guess I text him A LOT when I am lonely and feel crappy. He always knows what to say.
But I feel so bad when I text him!! I feel like such a bother and a pain. He sees so many other people--and I'm sure if I got these many issues lots of people have tons more than me.
He's just super super busy.
I've found myself getting super super depressed lately. It's NO fun!!!! I wish people took me seriously and saw how much pain I was in and that I actually could benefit from anti-depressants! But nope--everyone says I'm fine....so we'll that means I'm fine then...right...?!!!?!
I didn't work out yesterday.
I just finished an exam so that stressed me out.
I haven't TOUCHED the dessert bar at my school yet. The reason--I want to be "healthy" and I am TERRIFIED of the dessert bar. Once I go there once and break my good habit--disaster will strike!!!!
I think I'm going to make apple chips this weekend.....slice up some apples....put some lemon and cinnamon on them and then pop em in the oven! Sounds cool right!??!! lol and healthy! I guess...I mean it's just an apple!
I am trying to run a lot and work out a lot. I hope to run a half marathon in March!! Okay people--lifting weights and lifting heavy weights will seriously get you lean! I can't even tell you--like my stomach is looking amazing--except now its disgustingly bloated but l like four days ago or so my stomach was looking good. And I'm sure in a week or so after some clean eating and exercising my stomach will get back down. My legs look leaner. I could fit into these size 26 new jeans i got that I couldn't earlier this summer. Yet my other size 26 jeans I can fit into this summer. IDK!!! But I hope im not jinxing myself right now.
I have a shit ton of laundry to do today. What is everyone up to today??
How is everyone doing??? Please let me know!! I will try to check out peoples blogs and comment. It's hard. It's hard because I use this to vent and to write about my emotions and relate to people. And I offer words of care to people because I understand....and I get it...and life just sucks when the spiral keeps going down hill but I know I can only really care for myself and not really anyone else.
Any motivational quotes? Sayings? Thoughts? Ideas? Ideas of a post to write??
okay well maybe I'll write again later today if not then this weekend or something =)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A nice break
It's nice being home for the long weekend.
It's a nice break.
I'm eating A LOT though.
I don't know.
I ran a 5K this morning. My time was 24:22. Ugh. I've done better/probably could have done better. My thigh/hamstring is KILLING me. I really want to go to the doctor/physical therapy for a few days while I'm home and get a massage of some sort on my leg/thigh. The pain just hurts.
I made this DELICIOUS Pumpkin Gingerbread with Buttercream Frosting.
OMG DELICIOUS.
Perfect!!
Got it off here :-)
http://ohsheglows.com/2010/10/02/pumpkin-gingerbread-with-spiced-buttercream/
Love it!!
I wish I could see my therapist while I'm here. I don't think I'm going to/can.
Whatever. :-(
I just wish I could be skinny. I'm trying to be happy and trying to work out and eat well.
It's just hard. It's a mess of a secret life.
It's a nice break.
I'm eating A LOT though.
I don't know.
I ran a 5K this morning. My time was 24:22. Ugh. I've done better/probably could have done better. My thigh/hamstring is KILLING me. I really want to go to the doctor/physical therapy for a few days while I'm home and get a massage of some sort on my leg/thigh. The pain just hurts.
I made this DELICIOUS Pumpkin Gingerbread with Buttercream Frosting.
OMG DELICIOUS.
Perfect!!
Got it off here :-)
http://ohsheglows.com/2010/10/02/pumpkin-gingerbread-with-spiced-buttercream/
Love it!!
I wish I could see my therapist while I'm here. I don't think I'm going to/can.
Whatever. :-(
I just wish I could be skinny. I'm trying to be happy and trying to work out and eat well.
It's just hard. It's a mess of a secret life.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Moods.
It's crazy how moods control you.
I'm in such a crappy mood right now and hate when I get like this.
I miss my therapists.
My mind is saying negative thoughts though...like he hates me and doesn't care...etc..etc.
I am depressed/sad. I think its because I'm fat, I'm scared shit I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow its the hardest crap in the world and I'm just lonely/have no friends.
ughh life is sucking right now.
I'm in such a crappy mood right now and hate when I get like this.
I miss my therapists.
My mind is saying negative thoughts though...like he hates me and doesn't care...etc..etc.
I am depressed/sad. I think its because I'm fat, I'm scared shit I'm going to fail this exam tomorrow its the hardest crap in the world and I'm just lonely/have no friends.
ughh life is sucking right now.
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