Work = Amazing

I love my job. I love it.
I love watching kids. They make me sooo happy and today was soooo nice I just chilled at this club in town and tanned and read a book and got paid. Literally...didn't watch the kids hahaaha and then it rained so when I was supposed to watch them in the pool I didn't have to because they weren't allowed in.
So I got a SHIT load of money today :)

On the other hand I didn't eat so well.
I'm seriously FREAKINGGGG OUT about having to go to the doctors thursday and just waiting for "OMG YOU ARE SO FAT YOU NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT"

I'm gonna break the scale I'm so fat.

So I took pictures on my cell today of the food I ate. Heres some photos from today of course I ate a shit load more. felt really out of control :( no fun and no good. also felt like my mom was judging me a ton. she saw mostly all that i ate. i hate that feeling. i wish i'd think and tell myself to stop eating--like i should when she judges me. shes telling me how fat im getting. and i just dont need her to tell me. i already know it.

This was my lovely salad at the club.
It had grilled chicken, sliced apples, broccoli, cucumbers, and egg with italian dressing. the dressing didn't seem heavy which was good.



Salad again



And a few hours later i had some pretzels (120 cal) and hummus. This whole thing of hummus was 250 calories but i only used the amount pictured for the amount of pretzels I had.



Spinach, egg and egg whites, cheese and flaxseeds
YUM! which i had a bigger portion. maybe then I wouldn't have eaten all the crackers, bread, peanut butter and CRAPPP


im huge.
i want to look good in a bikini
i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
but i have one problem--i love eating. which makes me really want to go back to purging. because i just can't see myself not eating. i can't. as much as i restrict and don't eat. i can't see myself not eating and loving food as much as i do. i can't see myself restricting for a LONG time :( ughhh IDK IDK IDK
i worked out a little today too i wasn't that motivated
i did:
40 minutes on the bike (that only burned 250 calories)
20 minutes on the stairs (that only burned 170 calories)
and walked on the treadmill on an incline for 10 minutes.

ugh im gonna need an intense workout tomorrow. idk if i'll get one in. depends when i wake up.
i have a speech appt tomorrow a little after noon so we'll see.
<3
i wish i was thin
<3

4:45am

I wish I could sleep.
OMG I should have taken nyquil right after work. FUCK MY LIFE.
I have this extremely sharp pain in my throat. It occurred the other night too. I'm in soo much pain and can't sleep I'm about to cry.
I'm sucking on some ice. OMG I'm in so much pain.

I suck.

I'm a failure.
I'm never going to be skinny.
I miss my therapist.
I think I have something called eat everything in site get fat syndrome.
FML FML FML

Thoughts race through my head 24/7

It's amazing just how powerful thoughts are. Thoughts are merely just a idea you made up or created in your mind. It isn't necessarily true. Yet thoughts are so powerful because often we believe that our thoughts are the truth. Why? Why do we believe that just a mere second of something we think is the truth? Why don't we back it up with facts?

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with my psychologist that went like this....
I made some comment about how huge I was and my mom and blah blah idk and my psychologist said...

"Let's say ur right and ur huge...so what...what does that mean?

"it means a shit load of stuff. im ugly, that no boy will ever want me, dumb, not athletic, failure, people that i could maybe be friends with wouldnt want to get to know me b/c im huge and they'd judge me before they get to know me, i can't go to the beach, people make fun of me, it means the only thing i can fit into is sweatpants and if i was actually in control i'd be thin."

"That's all in ur head"

"It's all in my head. but the truths in my head.

"I disagree."

Anyway--we talked about this later and I was like okay well then where do your thoughts come from? your thoughts are in your head? they come from you?? And boy did he shut me down. hahaa. he was like I look up a lot of facts and research and do a lot of fact checking. He said something along those lines and i was like blahh okay okay okay. I get it.

Idk what made me want to write about that but I did.

Anyway.
I was late going to the gym today.
So I only go to do the sport circuit class for 35 minutes or so and we like stretched and did abs or whatever for the last 5 minutes but DAMN!!!! Okay so this woman is a BEAST!!! She's so fit. She has so much muscle. Like when she lunges you see all her muscle but when she's standing up straight she looks so thin and so toned and just amazing!!!!
And okay so she only teaches the classes on Monday's but I just found out she's not going to teach the class anymore. I'm not sure why!?!??!!! I am sort of upset. I think she might be dealing with something or idk because some of the people were talking to her about medicine and stuff after the class but I know she gets frustrated with people not being able to do the workouts and she told me in the locker room one time like Thank you for pushing yourself and doing the workout because I'm not slowing down for people. It's an intense class and if they can't handle it they shouldn't be there. She was sweet.

Seriously I'd be in such good shape if I did that class more often with HER. I mean we barly stopped for WATER. I got in a few sips here and there but after like 10 mins even 20 mins I was sweating profusely!!!!!!!

I had a REALLYYY quick workout today! :(
Oh well.

I got my massage :)
I feel so good right now!!!
He definitely said my muscles were really tight and could tell from something in my back that I run, he said my legs were really tight and i need to STRETCH A LOT MORE!!! (something i don't do too often!!!) and he said my shoulder/neck is tight from lifting weights which is good because you'd rather have it from that then poor posture. So I should tell my mom that then :) Yayy posture :) hahaa and he said I need to drink LOTS of water after a massage like that...because toxins are trying to get out of my body and if I don't I'll be really sore tomorrow apparently,

So....I tried to relax during the massage. It was an hour long massage. It was different than massages in the past where I was always covered by a sheet. When he massaged my back it was my bear back. I mean it was fine he just saw my back nothing else and maybe it was easier to see the muscles and stuff and I don't know but that for sure made me more self conscious. I tried to just keep telling myself "It's okay. He does this for a living. I'm sure he has seen bigger people than me." then a voice came in and said "No he hasn't. He sees people that are fit and muscular and he's just tossing around your fat. People that are young like you are much skinnier than you" so my mind did mess with me at times. I also got self-conscious a bunch when he massaged my legs--"I was like crap when was the last time I shaved" and then when he massaged my arms I thought "crap i don't remember the last time I shaved my arm pits I hope there not hairy" hahaa I checked them after...they weren't horrible but i probably should have shaved before I went. Oh well.

Whatever. I mean for the post part I was pretty relaxed. It was really relaxing. I tried to not let my thoughts get to me. I really tried to battle most of them and to be honest I feel like I was pretty relaxed, calm and enjoying the slow music in the background.
I hope I marry some NICE but wealthy man who will either come and get massages with me every week or treat me to massages :) hahahaaa

So all I've consumed today is water. I'm just chugging down the water. I really want this plan to work and keep my calorie intake low. Jump this whole weight loss process and then go SLOWLY back into eating more.
We'll see how long it lasts.....my guess...being me....it won't last long but I can only be hopeful.



Ok I'm leaving for work soon.
Just cooked myself 1/4 cup egg whites (30 cal) and tossed in like 1/3 cup spinach (like 5 calories?)
And added some salt to it for flavor :) Whoops!! :)
I took a picture of it. But my damn camera's not working.

I LOVE MY THUNDER THIGHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

really??? you love your thunder thighs??? well....thats certaintly not me. i certainly don't like my thunder thighs. i had to put something catchy though. something shocking. something totally not true as a title.

I think I'm obsessed with shopping. With food shopping that is.
I bought 2 pints of bluberries, a 6oz container of raspberries, a bag of spinach, 1 bag of food should taste good sweet potato chips (b/c well it was on sale AND i had a $1.50 coupon off. silly me!!! i should not have) and the coupon entitled you to buy two which i didn't realize until i was checking out so of course i had to get 1 bag of food should taste good multigrain chips, OJ was really cheap so i bought a thing of that and lean cuisines were on sale so i got 3 lean cuisines.
And then yesterday I bought 2 containers of oscar mayer turkey and 2 containers of blue diamond almonds, bananas, 3 peaches and 2 kashi frozen dinners.
I think I'm addicted to food and buying food.

My workout today:
1 hour of pilates
20 minutes on the elliptical
and walked the dogs for like 40 mins
and played soccer with 2 young boys for 30 mins (i was sweating a lot!!)

I've eaten A LOT tho. I sort of wasn't feeling the workout. I guess I was sort of tired and not in the mood to work out.
I am going to work later. I hope it's fun.
Ohh and I forgot to say--so I've been pretty sore, stiff and stressed so I'm getting a massage tomorrow. I'm really going to try and NOT think about the person giving me a massage how much fat and how fat I am and just try to relax. It's going to be hard but I want to because I just wanna relax.

And I want my nose pierced so I'm thinking once I reach 125 again I'll get it pierced :)

And most importantly--I've been trying to work out (well I do every day so it's nothing different) but eat well and space it out as much as I can although I have not been doing a good job with that today and this morning when I weighed myself I've gained like 2.5 lbs and thats A LOT! considering how huge I am already. FML FML FML :(


*******************

Here are some photos.

So after I ate some Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato chips on the car ride home from the grocery store and gym I came home and OIAJ!!! I've never heard of it till being addicted to reading healthy blogs and all and it looked cool so I tried it!!!

Almost empty jar of peanut butter!!!! (so put some oats in it!!!!)


Had a little accident in the microwave!!! DAMN IT!!! LOL



All better!! And yummyy!!!




2 slices of Jilian Bakery 1 net carb bread with teddies peanut butter (I OPENED A NEW JAR! DAMN ME!!! I COULDNT RESIST!!! FAILUREEE!!!! and a banana)



Had tons of crap today.
Feel like shit.
Going to bed.
Gym and massage in the morning tomorrow then work later in the afternoon.

For the rest of this month I'm sorry--I have to loose weight---I'll eventually try the healthy way but it just doesnt work for me. Doesn't work for my body. I can't handle it. And since I am not puking anymore well then I need to do something about it...either start puking again which I don't want to do because I'd always get super anxious about when I could and shit and hiding food and it was just no good. So I am just gonna stop eating and really start restricting. 400 calories a day for the rest of this month. And thats all. No more than that.

I'll need all the support and luck I can get. I'm going to rely on this blog for keeping me in check.

Healthy? Binge? Purge? Restrict? Exercise?

Ugh idk.
I drove to the airport this morning. My grandmas not doing well. But omg soo many people were out biking! They all looked so fit! I was like omg is this like a normal routine for all these people! I bet it was. They looked so good!

I ate a shit load. Ugh. So mad. Like 2500 calories. (actually...probably more...more like 2700 or so...) I hate myself. THAT IS SOOO EMBARRASSING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!And I could throw up if I wanted to. I could. No one is home and no one is coming here. I just don't know. I'm so torn. Part of me wants to especially because I want to go work out and I can't work out with all this food in me!!! But I don't think I'm going to. Idk why. My throat is just killing me and I know it will hurt 100x more if I puke. Idk whats wrong with my throat it hurts a ton.

Yeah--so yesterday I didn't stop at 1300 calories. I went to "bed" but didn't fall asleep/couldn't fall asleep and my throat killed. I got up and had 2 chobani yogurts, a pear, low carb tortilla with teddies. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHH!!!!!!!

Anyway- I think I'm gonna go lay down and then work out. I'm sad.

16 days till I see my therapist. Could it get here any slower??? :(
I feel so alone.
If anyone wants a texting buddy I'd be more than willing to text. Seeing as I have no friends and no one texts me. I need to not give into cravings so easily. I emotionally eat like it's my job :(

***********************
Hey-it's me again. I didn't throw up.
To be honest I have NOOOO idea how I stopped. No idea. Like seriously no idea. Maybe it was the fear of getting caught thats stopped me. I fear that sooooo soooo much. I have no idea how I used to do it sooo often and not get caught.
I sulked in my bed for some time.
And wanted to stay there all night but I told my fat ass self to get up and go work out so I did.

My workout should of included weights but it didnt....
-elliptical for 45 minutes burned 385 calories
-bike for 30 minutes burned 170 calories
-walked on this inclined treadmill for 15 mins on 19 incline on 2.7 mph burned 160 calories
total burned: 715 calories?

That was my first time walking on the 30 degree inclined treadmill they have at my gym. It was quiet cool and fun!!!! I'm glad I tried it lol

Idk what tonight has in store for me. I'm really not that hungry. I know you should eat after you work out to restore muscles blah blah blahh but I'm not right now. I'm not even hungry thanks to all I ate earlier!!!!
I think in my mind I still fear from the times I was really bad and didn't eat my mind still fears that I'm going to go back to that so I eat a lot now all the time. Hmmmm idk just a thought.


Another update:
SO I think friends are coming over??? idk.
I just baked these yummyy thingsss



And for dinner I ate 6 whole grain perdue nuggets (240 cal) with honey and 7 pieces of broccoli and 12 slices of cucumbers

I hate being this fat
I HATE NOT LOOSING WEIGHT!!!!!!!

I just don't know anymore.

"But when you start to look at what you really want from life, these extra mouthfuls of food are not going to meet your needs, nor will they bring you satisfaction for the rest of your life."

I was reading http://www.thinspiredblog.com/ and came across this and thought this was SOOOO true.....

"As a figure-conscious adult woman, I constantly find myself contorting my body: sucking in my stomach; tilting my hips; lifting my chin; the list goes on. The goal being to minimize the amount of space I take up at all times.

Do adult men do this? No. They sit with their legs open, slouched on a couch, taking up enough space for two people. Children are the same. They sit comfortably or run free, and the only time they worry about their size is when they wonder if they’re tall enough to ride the roller coaster."

There is a little baby photo and her butts sticking high into the air. And the baby "has no idea that sitting like that becomes of the question when you’re worried about the size of your ass. She has no clue that the rest of her adult life will be spent sitting with her legs crossed, her arms tucked in, and her neck up…trying to be as small as possible.
At what point do our inhibitions take over and we stop sitting comfortably, start sucking it in, and stop sticking out our butts?!"

I just thought this was sooo true. Like seriously looking at old photos or just thinking back being sooo comfortable in my skin. Oh how I wish I was still like that. But seriously baby's they are adorable even when they stick their butt into the air!! And seriously though women care so much more about the space they take up then men. Lara is sooo right!!

On to my day---

So I woke up. Weighed myself. Depressed. Typical. Yet I'm really going to try and eat and exercise and not get into any messy cycle. It just is not working right now anyway so I'm just going to test this and see if exercising a lot and eating like 1500-2000 calories will make me loose weight.

Who knows whats going to happen.

I woke up and decided instead of eggs I'll have some oatmeal and pumpkin. I went online after I woke up and was looking at all this yummy food of oatmeal and pumpkin.



All stirred up!!



1/2 cup of oats (150) with 1 cup of water, a little less than 1/4 cup Libbys Pumpkin Pie (45 ish) and 1/4 cup trader joes dried cranberries (about 90-100) and 2 tbsp flax seeds (60 cal)
Total calorie intake for breakfast: about 350 calories

Then of course I just stayed on the computer for a bit. Ummm...and tried to take food off my mind. It worked a little. It didn't come to my lips. I decided to make some Pumpkin Protein Pancakes. Yummm...
It did take a second for them to turn out just right so the two bad ones I ate. Whoops!!

Heres the mix:



Ingredients (I sort of just put it in and see how it looks and kept adding as I went. but heres all i ended up putting in):
1/2 cup egg whites (60 cal)
1.5 scoops of whey chocolate protein powder (180 cal)
2/3 cup Libbys Pumpkin Mix (180 cal)
Cinnamon
Cream of Tartar
Each mini pancake--about 25 calories (maybe 30? but im going for 25 cal)

And the wonderful results!!!



It made 17! (and then the two mess ups I ate make 19! hahaa)

I put them in the fridge. I'll eat them later.

So around 12:30 I ate 2 mini protein pumpkin pancakes like I already said before so that was about 60 calories, water, low carb tortilla (50) with oscar mayer oven roasted turkey (45 cal)

So now I had about 505 calories...

Then not to long after...at 1:15pm I drank some more water and had 2 more mini protein pumpkin pancakes (60 cal) and a pear (about 100?)



So like now I've had about 670 calories I guess....

Then I went to work and then the gym!!!!!!

Workout went like this.....
-bike for 15 minutes burned 120 cal
-1 hour sport circuit class (pretty intense. i guess. i tried hard idk)
-treadmill walked for 30 minutes on 10 incline on 3.3 mph burned 260 cal
So.....hmmm....like 380 calories burned + 1 hr of sport circuit class......sooo im assuming I burned like 750 calories at the gym??? hmm...idk.

The personal trainer running the class came up to me and told me "your going so fucking slow today" or something very similar to that. I don't know how well I took that comment. He's a sweetheart. He really is. But maybe I was taking it too easy. I think I was. So the last round I really pushed myself. I pushed pretty hard. IDK.

Then I came home shortly after that and ate!
I wasn't hungry at first but then as I was making food I started to get hungry! I drank lots of water at the gym and continued to!
So around 8:20 I had some dinner!
Of course had to add some peanut butter to it!!



This was my dinner



So I had some broccoli, and 4 mini pumpkin protein pancakes (120 cal) with 2 tbsp of teddies peanut butter (190 cal) and put some pam on the pan and cooked up some perdue grilled chicken--had the whole thing--so that was 315 calories

So as of right now I guess I ate like 1300 calories?? WOW. I feel like I ate a lot more. hahahaa. hmmm....debating between eating more or just calling it a night! But if I ate that and exercised as much as I did.....thats like a total intake of 550 calories? idk. thats probably not accurate.

<3

*Update hahaa I was just thinking--I should probably go shower. I didn't shower at the gym today and then ate right when I got home..smelly smelly me!! Okay ya I'm gonna go relax and shower and try to get my mind off food and look forward to a yummy day tomorrow. Tomorrows my weigh in day so I'm sort of freaking out.
I'm not even hungry anyway. Plus I feel really bloated, ugly and fat. Ok I know fats not a feeling--let me fix that....I feel really disappointed and alone. I just don't feel good. Maybe tomorrow after I sleep off this "food belly" i'll feel better...?

And omg I forgot to say--BLAHHHH I called my doctors today. Because I really need to get a physical for school. This SUCKS. Sucks sooo much. I really don't want him to weigh me. I wanna hear your thoughts--should I send him an e-mail and express my concern?? (he does know i've dealt with depression--hes a really really nice doctor i just am so torn) should i suck it up and just deal with it and suffer the fact that i made myself this huge and just deal with it??? should i text my psychologist and see if he has some advice/could call my doctor??? (even though i really really want to be good and don't want to text him!!! i want him to enjoy his vacation. it is soo damn hard not texting him!!!) or should i just not go to this new school because i need a physical exam???????

so torn.