Some food from the past few days...

Okay these photos aren't great because I felt odd at times taking photos of my food. I wasn't always alone so it was awk at times trying to snap a pic!

lol

Here are some though!!!

It was all very tasty!! :-)


A close up of my almond milk and scoop of whey protein powder and peanut flour:


My oatbran with a peach and cinnamon and 4 scoops of plain chobani yogurt (delicious!!!!)


Again....


My oatbran with 2 cut up figs, flax seeds, wheat germ and 2 scoops of chobani yogurt!


All mixed up!


Okay and I wanted to eat more spaghetti squash today. That stuff is just so good.
But....I knew if I wanted to be full I should probably add some protein to it.
So...I found some protein! Or what I think is protein LOL
Went to a place where you can get food and I got myself this:



....some cut up chicken....
IDK it was the only really thing that looked semi appeptizing. I'm curious as to how many calories that has....thoughts?!?!?? Idk I used about 1/2 of it and I'm guessing half of it is like 90...Idk it's not that much at all so many thats on the high side......


And then I cooked my spaghetti squash!! YUM! and added sauce and some chicken!!!!
Here is my amazing lunch today!!!! I also had a pear with it. Ate it without a photo =)



Mixed it all up!
I know...I know...the pictures not great but it was really good!


My dinner tonight!! Post-workout! :-)
Oatbran, scoop of protein powder, wheat germ, flax seeds, hemp seeds and a banana!




That's all I have for ya!
Better get started on some homework!!

I miss taking photos of my food.

I do. I do miss taking photos of my food.
So I'm still very sad and a mess. But I know my uncle and my grandmother are in a happier place and not suffering anymore. God is taking care of both of them <3

It took forever to fall asleep last night but once I finally did I slept well.

I did laundry and changed my sheets this morning. I love clean sheets! :)

A little after 2pm I had some food.
Oatbran, banana, wheat germ, flax seed, hemp seeds and a spoonful of plain chobani yogurt




And...
I took a picture of my back....I wanted to see if it was muscular.....I feel like it's deceiving and I'm not as muscular as it appears....I mean I AM flexing in this photo. It's not like I'm not flexing. I don't know how long I'm going to keep it up but I sort of wanted to posted it. Maybe it's just me and maybe this photo doesn't look like I have much muscle at all. I don't know!!!

(photo removed)

I'm going to maybe go to the gym in a bit....try and clear my mind....try and get some work done too...

I think dinner will be spaghetti squash if I can cut it open.
No friends to go to the dining hall with so I think I'm staying here.
We'll see if I'm successful at cutting it open! LOL
I'll take photos!!



I'm back!!!
Ok--here we go....

I got out all my supplies!!



I was very worried I would not be able to break this sucker open.
So I poked it with a fork and put it in the microwave for a minute.

Hmmm....I was still thinking....I wonder if I'm going to like this thing.....
I start cutting it open.....It's easier than I thought it would be!! My little knife is working!!! :-)



And I did it!!!

It was a small one! It fit in my hand.



And I'm looking at this thing....thinkng "Okay seeds...where are ya?" And I looked around....found some....found like 8 and then was like "Well that was easy!!" ummmm...NO! hahaaha there were a ton more buried all over the place and then tiny tiny ones.
It took FOREVER to get them all out. I'd say like 20 minutes? Maybe I'm exaggerating I don't know.....
But I just kept thinking.....this damn spaghetti squash better taste good....because I was very suspicious to say the least......

Finally I got them out!!
Or I thought I got them all out....

Popped it into the microwave.
It came out looking like this.



My thoughts.....hmmmm
1) I see SEEDS
2) Is that what it's supposed to look like??
3) Is it cooked??

I got a few seeds out I saw....and then decided it was cooked

I started digging in to one of them!



And went "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SOOOO COOL" hahahahahaa

I wasn't sure if I was going to like it so I started with just one half.
I cleaned it all out :-)
But this photo doesn't show how well I really cleaned it out. I cleaned it out after this photo more :-)



I added some sauce and this is what my FIRST bowl looked like.



My thoughts.....
1) It was YUMMMYYYYYYY
2) Why haven't I ever eaten this before?????
3) I am going to start eating this at home???
4) Who can I get to take out all the seeds so I can just eat it??? hahahaa

I attacked the second half!
My second bowl!!




Okay so it was good.
But I still think pasta is good from time to time. But this is definitely good. Like when I grow up I'd call it "pasta" and serve it to my kids :-) heheheehee
I don't know if I was really full after though.
I did have some veggies with it




But I gave my hungry body a rice cake, a small apple and 1 cranberry oatmeal protein cookie from the protein bakery! :-)

GOD-WHERE ARE YOU????????????????

Really??? Where are you right now??????
I had an amazing workout. I WAS excited to eat after.....then I heard the news....and my appetite collapsed.
I ran 7 miles.
But then my life was torn apart.
The second I ended my run-my sister wanted me to call her back/call her asap. And I did.
What does she tell me??
My grandmother just died.

THE PROTEIN BAKERY!

Okay--so.....I'm doing OKAY right now. Had an apple for breakfast. Shortly after I had some coffee with almond milk. Then after classes for the day....about an hour ago...I had some oatbran with peanut flour and a cut up apple. AND then I opened my box from the protein bakery!! I ordered a pkg of oatmeal cranberry cookies (2 cookies in a pkg) and a pkg of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (again 2 cookies in the pkg) and okay so that was $4.50 and then shipping.....damn shipping.....was $9.25!!!! goodness gracious. hahaaaha.
I opened my package of cookies and SURPRISE they threw in extras!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaa :-)
That was exciting!!!
Not that I need the extra calories. The stats are pretty good. Idk.......
But I ate one package....so yes....two cookies....of the pumpkin chocolate chip walnut cookie. Which was one they threw in for free.....?....which was SOOOOOOO SOOOOO SOOOO good! :-) And then they also through in this blondie.

I snapped a photo :-)



I weighed myself this morning.
I've lost weight.
But it was weight I needed to loose.
I'm not going to weigh myself until October 1st.

Hope everyones doing well.
Thanks for the comments :-)
I'm going to go pump some iron (this weekend) and run some miles in a few :-) after this food digests.

Okayy sooo.....an update....I went to the grocery store!!!!
Woohooo. I love food. I really don't want to gain weight at this damn school though. I hope I maintain control over this food!!!!!!!! I've lost like 10 lbs....who knows if its really 10 lbs though....and to be honest....I needed to loose those 10 lbs.
So I am addicted to shopping for food. I spent way to much money!!! BLAHHHH!!!!
Waiting for the bus I had a lovely LUNA-White Chocolate Macadamia Bar and 1 fig and 1 soy and flax rice corn cake thingyy.

Heres all the lovely groceries I bought..........





thoughts?? opinions?? comments???

I forget what Larabars taste like...I can't buy many granola bars.....ya know why??? They are my ENEMY!!! sorry I love 'em but I can eat an entire box. I will binge on that stuff. I got La Tortilla tortillas.......hmmm....IDK what I'm going to do with it......maybe bring it to the dining hall to have my turkey sandwich on? I mean my roommates are pretty chill with doing stuff like that I think....or I'll just get a sandwich and then take it back to my room....?? and then use a tortilla in my room and then eat the sandwich in my room....IDK!!! I got a banana because there are never bananas in that damn dining hall!!!! I also got some veggies....maybe I'll steam those up later?!?! 100 calories per a bag :-) YUMMMM and I got some spaghetti squash thanks to GiGi! She talks ALL about it with me ALL the time hahaa and I finally am going to listen and give it a try. I bought semi small ones because I hear they are a BITCH to cut open....so I'm NOT exactly sure HOW the HELL I'm going to cut those things up in this damn dorm room.

Oh and I'm doing well purging wise....binging is sometimes hard...but I've been okay.....no purging though....I don't even remember the last time I did....maybe sometime before I left for school..maybe begg. of august/mid august. It's hard with hall bathrooms. Harder than you'd think. People are constantly in there and I have no where to hide or whatever. Idk I have no urge. And because I haven't purged a lot since March/June/whenever I really stopped....I think it was around then....there have been only a FEW times where I have thrown up---obviously thought I was really upset and felt really guilty the times I have since then....and they haven't been many times...but...because of me stopping and no longer doing it---it means I don't have an "eating disorder" anymore. Right...????!!!! I mean I don't think I've ever had an "eating disorder" but a bunch of psychologists and a doctor told me I did...maybe I heard them wrong ;)

Oh ANDD I love my therapist from back home. He is amazing. So good to me. Understands me and ATTACKS my thinking. And does it in a nice and caring way. Yet just aways challenges me!! And its good because it is helpful for all those irrational thoughts I have. I called the counseling center here today at my school and I think I'm going to go meet with someone in like 2 weeks or so....I'll probably write about it if I do go. I'm not planning on telling them I've had previous counseling...because you know what happens then....they ask why you had counseling etc etc....I am planning on discussing my trouble with shyness and homsickness and ya. Thats really it. We'll see......

Hmm...thats it for now. I'm gonna go work up a sweat. Or try to.....
:-)
See ya!

Life? Happy? Sad? Content? I don't even know.

I love eating healthy.
I'm a health nut.
I love exercising.
I love being healthy.

I also am VERY VERY scared of food. Food scared me.
I love it. But am very very scared of it at the same time.
My roommates are all going away this weekend. Which means I have the room to myself.
Yay relaxation but scared shit I will go crazy and binge.
I need to remind myself to BREATE, RELAX, GO DO SOMETHING AKA GET MY MIND OFF FOOD!!!!!!!!!!! AND JUST BE MINDFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sort of feeling homesick.
Sort of just want a friend here besides my roommates...if I even call them friends...they are very sweet...but I feel like I sort of have jumped into their lives by transferring and getting placed into their room. I miss my therapist. I am exercising a lot...I think?? I am trying to lift heavy and lift more weights! I think its working/will work....we'll seee...I'll try to read some blogs this weekend!
Hope all you sweeties are doing well <3
Update me on your lifes!!!!

I'm surviving like a hermit crab.

I'm surviving. But like a hermit crab. I hide in my shell when I want to. I find it difficult to meet people. I make too many judgments about myself all the time....and have too many racing negative thoughts...about people not wanting to be friends with me, people judging me, people seeing how ugly i am, people not smiling, people not talking to me more than a quick conversation.......I don't really have friends yet. I don't. Okay--listen though--this blog is just helpful for me to speak my mind! to write about life! and thats really it--so please don't feel like you have to say anything. It is okay. And remember it is okay to feel sad and feel depressed and feel anxious. It is okay!!! It's just what we do with those feelings and how we act which depends on a lot of things. But feeling sad it okay! Too many times in this world we try to push negative feelings away

I am enjoying my classes though. Still not wearing my hearing aids really. At all. Whatever. I am praying to God he will give me the strength to do it and glorify me when I get the strength to do it.

I hope everyones doing well! I love the comments!!! LOVE EM!!! I try to read the blogs from time to time. It's hard. Because then I'm just on the computer....procrastinating....and not getting any school work done. and i really really want to focus on the work.

It's hard because I SHOULDNT but I compare myself all the time to people here. I have been doing okay. I really don't know how much I weigh. I did sort of have a bad weekend with eating. But I'm trying to not dwell on it....and to move on...if I keep dwelling on it it will only get worse and make me feel more crappy!!!!
I went to the farmers market today and got 3 peaches and 2 plums! I don't like keeping tons of food in my room-I have the dining hall anyway!! So thats enough fruit for me. They have bananas and apples in the dining hall which I sometimes bring back to the room but usually that only leads to binges to I am going to try to eat a piece of fruit in the dining hall or only take back one. All depends on the mood and stuff. Usually its good for me to eat a banana or something in the AM and then go right to class....that avoids binges...when I ahve somewhere to go like class....usually less apt to binge. But thats like only if theres very minimal time before I sat eating...okay I'm making no sense. hahaa sorry. but im trying to only eat my meals and not like eat meals and snack. and just be satisfied with the meals.

I am really praying a lot. I need the lord. I need him back into my life. I don't need boys. I need him. And through him all is possible. It's what I really believe. Through him I'll start to have friends at school, through him I'll feel okay about wearing my hearing aids, through him I'll find a boy that loves me for me, through him I'll succeed in school and work, through him I will feel beautiful, through him he'll give me the will to do all he created me to do! It wont come right away but it is possible. I just have to believe in him and love him. I have this girl--she helped me when I first started struggling with my body image and all. She was the only one I told and trusted and who still was my friend and listented to me. She is GORGEOUS and is very thin might i add and i just look up to her in everything--she is so inspirational. she loves the lord. loves him and just told me how beautiful i am and how great of a friend i am and it just meant so much to me. and i was feeling SOOO CRAPPPY this night. this was this weekend--i was feeling really crappy after feeling so out of control from eating so much. so she made me feel a ton better and renewed and just hopeful that things will be okay. and it just made me happy to talk to her.
<3


I have lots of work I should be doing so I am going to go but I am doing okay. I of course miss my therapist!! I actually deleted all my texts with him and his contact info from my phone. Oh well hahaa. Idk why I did. I mean I have his number memorized. So it doesnt really matter. I just part of me always feels like a bother and i just wanted to try and separate myself from him and relax and just idk. Its not like I'm seeing him anyway right now he's 3 hrs or so away so ya. He has lots of other patients he's dealing with and doesn't need me to add onto that list.

College!

So I had my first day of classes. My roommates are awesome--they are super pretty and go out and stuff. I love it.
I do miss my therapist a lot though.
Sorry I haven't written much or been commenting and shit. I've been super busy and don't know how much blogging I'll be able to do. :(
I've been eating very little. Idk I just haven't had much of an appetite. Last Wednesday I weighed 140.5 lbs and then last thursday I weighed 142 lbs. Thursday I left for college.....and I don't have a scale....but my roommate does and I just couldn't resist....I weighed myself after dinner/after eating all day and shit and I just don't think it was accurate. It told me I was 130.5
I really hate numbers but I just don't see how that is possible.
I mean I def do want to loose weight.
This cafeteria food is a lot healthier.
I'm working out though and I am eating.
I am taking really good classes too.
Idk what else to write :/